


Quartet

by perryvic, Zaganthi (Caffiends)



Series: Arpeggio [3]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-27
Updated: 2011-02-26
Packaged: 2017-10-15 23:30:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 57,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/166008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perryvic/pseuds/perryvic, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caffiends/pseuds/Zaganthi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was a figure, almost half buried in a snow drift, not wearing anything like sensible coats or pants, and for a brief moment he had a terrible fear that they'd *killed* someone, right up to the point where he heard the man say, "Ow."</p><p>The sound of that one syllable was enough to make him freeze.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The best snow boots had laces.

That had always been Rodney's opinion, laces at the front and good stiff sidewalls, none of that Velcro and pull string crap. A good heavy flap over the laces to keep the water out, to keep little feet as dry as possible, was also important. Jeannie had only accused him of insanity once. That was the year before when she'd let Alex go skidding out the front door two days before Christmas, where he'd promptly tripped down the porch stairs and wrenched his left ankle, while Carson had been getting dressed to go pick his mother up at the airport.

So when Rodney insisted that at least one adult check Alex's boots before he went out in the snow and the ice, well, at least no-one scowled about paranoia. And Alex didn't care, because he'd gotten to pick out the most hideous, hideous purple boots that year and neither of his fathers had said no. The new boots were a somewhat less eye-bleeding blue, but that was only because Alex was growing at an unpredictably steady rate. One week, a sweater would fit and the next week Rodney could see the edges of it crawling up away from Alex's wrists, up towards his elbows in a subtle march that made Rodney wonder if the washing machine was actively shrinking clothing.

"Uhmpf, umphf. Can we go now?" His newly tied and sealed to repel moisture right boot kicked a little, dangerously close to smacking Rodney in the shoulder while he carefully knotted Alex's left shoe. He had skinny ankles and high arches and knees that were sharp as the suggestion of points on his ears. Bird bones, Carson's mother had smiled, while John's father had said that he was just like John had been. Jeannie reminisced about how Rodney had once been a skinny, weedy thing, so Alex had been doomed to that frame from the start. Rodney didn't want to call it doomed. After all, John had grown up to a beautiful man and Rodney's shoulders had filled out and no-one was any the wiser to any complications there were.

Alex had ten fingers and ten toes and no genetic anomalies other than the ATA Gene, and a wristwatch that he'd opened as an obscenely early Christmas gift from Sam Carter, which blinked, beeped and possibly sang the American national anthem as long as he kept it powered with kinetic energy, which Alex had in surplus. He was waving that arm idly, a little distractedly while Rodney closed the covering on the left boot.

"There we go. Put your mittens on while I find my gloves."

God knew where those mittens actually were, before Alex arrowed for the coat closet and started to crawl around over the other pairs of shoes and umbrellas that were stuffed in there. Rodney watched him while he fished in his coat pocket for his gloves. He'd probably stuffed them in a pair of someone's shoes. Possibly his own -- they lit up when he walked, those seizure inducing red led lights that flickered around the sole with every stomp and step -- because he loved them. Already head deep into gadgets, which Rodney knew because he'd had to pry the little handheld educational game that Alex had gotten for his birthday out of Alex's hands many times, late at night, already.

One day Alex would work out that Rodney could see the faint light coming from his bedroom, that it always scared the hell out of him, always pulled him out of a sound sleep. There were lights that were fine -- power supply lights, always on lights, standby lights, they were things he was used to. But that clean white glow of the semitransparent reflective TFT reminded some part of his subconscious of something, and Rodney couldn't remember what the hell it was. Rodney was sure he'd given Alex a few scares when he'd bolted out of bed to make sure he was all right. It was one of the many, many stupid little things he and Carson were working through. Not that working through things were stupid, no, but Rodney always felt he could surmount things through *willpower*, through working through it in the most sensible, physical implications of the word.

It just pissed him off that things rose up years after the fact like a bad STD. At least that wasn't the problem, but it did impinge on his vacation. Maybe it was all stirred up because he was doing more than living day to day to day, but planning, wondering, scheming a little. Carson was a, he couldn't imagine life without Carson any more than he could imagine life without Alex crawling backwards out of the coat closet with his mittens in his mouth. "Got'm!"

Thinking about doing it all over again, trying to see if it was even possible to have another child, with Carson this time, was exciting and frightening and pinged all of the memories of the last time and in connection with that, everything that had ever gone wrong on Atlantis.

"I thought I was going to have to send a rescue party in after you!" Rodney stepped closer and scooped him up in a rush, hands tight under Alex's armpits. "Right, into the snow for both of us. Right now. Madison's got a head start on the snow and Carson probably thinks we're lost. Here, turn the doorknob for me or I'll have to have you grab onto it and then I’ll twist you."

Alex giggled a little and then turned the doorknob so they could go out into the freezing Canadian winter. "Where've they all gone, Daddy? Did they take the sledge? Carson says I'm an accident waiting to happen on a sledge!"

"Sled, and you are. But we can go out on it if you let me sit behind you on it, all right?" It was a big, full sized sled and Rodney preferred that for just that reason. He reached to grasp Alex's hand, closing the door carefully behind him. He had the spare set of keys in case Jeannie had forgotten hers.

"Okay. Carson calls it a 'sledge' though," Alex said, taking his hand. "Maybe we can all get on the sl...sled at once and it'll go really fast because of the weight of us."

"Carson's Scottish," Rodney reminded. "And what that ultimately means is that you're going to hate your English teachers when you get to school because of your deviant spellings." They started down the stairs slowly, and then Rodney turned to lead the way up the curve of the hill that was Jeannie's backyard. He could hear Maddie's happy squeal.

"Mo…om! Uncle Carson's stuffing snow in my coat!"

"That's a terrible thing to say!" Carson protested. "I would never do such a thing! Never ever ever... C'mhere!"

There was another peal of protesting giggle as Madison ran around in circles and then fell over in the deep snow. "Honestly, I don't know which of you is the bigger kid." Jeannie was walking over to them both and then very slyly slipped snow down Carson's back.

"Argh!" Carson protested. "Thank goodness the both of you are here to witness such cruelty. The Millers are ganging up on me!"

"So that explains why Kaleb's crouched down by the barbeque with a camera?" Rodney caught at Alex when he stepped a little too deeply into the snow and scooped up a handful of the stuff when he got Alex straightened up. The snow was ravaged by footprints and bodies flopping over, but Alex was heading with singular determination towards the wooden sled with the red-enameled runners on the underside.

"I want to go down the hill! Maddie, I want the sled now..."

"You always want the sled now," his older cousin said. "Uncle Carson, can we have the sled now?"

There was no answer to that question as Carson was apparently staring at the sky with a slightly puzzled expression which made him a perfect target for a snowball.

Jeannie laughed and Rodney flicked the snow off of his glove. "Sorry." Except that, no, he really wasn't. "Do you want to go down the hill with him first?" They'd probably have to go three or twelve times, because Alex loved the feel of the cold wind in his face and everything rushing at them.

It was times like that that he knew genetics bred true. "Me? I'll take the next run." Carson was still looking around. "Rodney, did you just... feel anything unusual?" he asked in a low voice as Jeannie 'tsked' and got the sled ready for action.

"No." Rodney looked around for a moment and then looked at Carson. "Why, did you?"

"Umphf, sledding time! It's sledding time, Daddy! I want to go down the hill and then down the hill again, and then maybe we could go down the street and down the hill, and then..." And then he was pulling at the fabric of Rodney's pants and Rodney was throwing Carson a 'help me' look as he went with the tugging.

"No playing on the street. The worst thing I want to land in is a shrub, not a hybrid car and I'm going, I'm going. Carson was just saying that he felt something funny."

"There was a tickly feeling." Alex said it with great thought and it was difficult to tell whether it was his very vivid imagination. "But it's gone. Sled now? I wanna go fast!"

Carson shook it off. "Ach, it must've been a chill. Okay, then... how about I give you all a push down the hill this time?"

"Yey!" Madison ran to the sled. "Let's go!"

"All of us, huh?" Rodney grinned as he got to the back of the sled, as far to the back as possible, sitting down on it and stabilizing it while the kids clambered on. Both Madison and Alex. Madison was a good kid -- she and Alex had enough horseplay and shouting matches to match what he and his sister had, but at the end of the day, she was always considerate of Alex and he was, mostly, with her. It was in the little things. Leaving room for him on the sled, pouring an extra glass of apple juice when she poured one for herself. Good kids.

It helped that Madison wasn't stupid either, though paternal pride would have him discretely thinking that his Alex was evidently the genius of the family. He hadn't really needed Carson's serious 'we need a talk' not long after Alex was 18 months because by then, from the way he was talking and reasoning and working things out, it was obvious.

"Everyone hold tight now!" Carson instructed as he leaned down to push as if he was launching a bobsled. "Ah-one, Ah-two and three! Go, go, go!"

In the moment they went over the brow of the hill, he though he heard someone shouting "Rodney!" but there was the rush of wind in his ears and --

A shape in front of them and Alex was right at the *front*, dammit. Rodney was halfway trying to lean over both of the children to protect them from whatever it was that they were about to make contact with and then what they were making contact with and mowing down before Rodney twisted, shoved a leg out and jammed the sled's travel by twisting it sideways into a snowdrift from the clearing off of the driveway he and Carson and Kaleb had done the night before.

Alex was curled into his stomach with his feet rather bizarrely sticking up in the air and Maddie was squirming to her feet, showering them all with snow. He could hear Carson calling out behind them as they evidently were trying to run down the hill at the same time.

"Daddy, I think we ran over someone," Alex announced solemnly when he got his breath back. "That's not a good thing."

"No, no it's not." But Rodney still pulled Alex towards him as he straightened up. Fuck, his knee was going to kill him, but at least he could get to his feet to see just who they'd hit with the full weight of one adult and two kids on a downhill sled.

There was a figure, almost half buried in a snow drift, not wearing anything like sensible coats or pants, and for a brief moment he had a terrible fear that they'd *killed* someone, right up to the point where he heard the man say, "Ow."

The sound of that one syllable was enough to make him freeze.

He froze and then he let somehow got over there, on his knees, digging at the snow with one hand while he kept a hold of Alex. "Carson! Help me, we've got, I think it's..."

Carson arrived, breath billowing. "Who? Jeannie's neighbor?" That was the logical thought. "The way you hit him he might have a broken leg. Careful there, Alex!"

"I'm helping!" Alex replied, helping to scoop snow a little erratically.

"Rodney?" The voice still sounded muffled by snow but he was even more sure, especially when he saw Carson pause and stiffen.

"Bloody hell!"

"John." Rodney stared down at him, reaching for the upper part of his arm and then pulling hard to get him out of the snow. "This had, are you, this, this is a joke, isn’t it, it can't be, John?"

The man half rolled over and... there it was. It was John, there in the flesh, looking haggard and worn but definitely… John.

"Oh my god," Carson was just staring, even as John opened his eyes and focused on him and then broke out in a smile.

"Y'know, if I'd pictured a homecoming after five years, this wasn't my first idea of how it would go. Rodney, god, Rodney..."

A hand clung around his arm almost desperately.

It was *John*, it was *John*, really John, looking like hell, like an Athosian, and Rodney leaned in and grabbed him in a hug and he really hoped that they hadn't broken John's leg.

"Bloody hell," Alex muttered, pulling at the snow around John.

"Alex..." He could hear Carson say half-heartedly behind them, still stunned.

John was holding him, and then leaning into him as if all the strength that had gotten him here was fading away. "I'm, I'm sorry, Rodney," he was mumbling a little incoherently. "I'm sorry."

"Here, lad, I need to take a look at you," Carson murmured. "You took a forceful knock there and you don't look that steady in the first place."

"Who is it, Daddy?" Alex was peering at them both, practically tugging on his arm for attention.

"It's, it's John, Alex. It's John. Okay, uh, let's get into the house. Alex, can you help your cousin get into the house?" Rodney pulled John up, struggling but he got him up to his feet and Carson was close, there.

John's leg was folding up on him even as Carson took his other side, slipping an arm under his shoulder. "Easy there."

"C'mon, Maddie!" Alex called out even as Jeannie was standing there watching in stunned amazement.

John wasn't dead. Or John was dead and this was some alternate universe John, or, or, Rodney didn't know because it was the SGC and there were so many possibilities up to and including that John didn't die but ascended and was eventually kicked out of the super-human party and descended. "Did the Apollo just think it was a good idea to beam you down here? How did you even get back, what happened, you were..."

"Apollo?" John sounded a bit dazed which was unsurprising since he'd just been hit by a sled. "No, I came on my own. Well, Sweetheart flew me here from orbit."

"Easy, lad," Carson soothed and looked over at Rodney mouthing something about John maybe being delirious.

There wasn't any maybe about it. Rodney led the way up to the door, knowing that he and Carson were the only things keeping John upright because he felt like dead weight. John hadn't contacted the SGC, then -- Rodney would have to do it for him, and thank god Jeannie had a secure connection finally. "Here, hold on, we're just going to take you to the living room, you were just hit by a sled..."

"Noticed you were driving," John answered, hissing a little as he tried to get his leg to bear his weight. "Damn thing was nearly healed too."

"Mer, what do you want me to do?" Jeannie asked even as Alex and Madison were watching them all make slow progress.

"He's going to need some clean, dry clothes. Do you have any?"

"Stop putting weight on it," Rodney said, half demanding as he held the door open with the back of his arm, the three of them heading into the house sideways so John was still supported. "Was it broken before? Alex, can you get the jammer orb out of my suitcase and put it in the kitchen? We need to make a few phone calls, I think..."

"Okay, Dad!" Alex was very excited about having an important role in proceedings and dashed off with Madison running along behind.

It seemed whatever John had been about to say about his leg had been derailed by that comment. "Dad?"

"Yeah, it's, I don't even know where to start, but uh, Carson's going to fix your leg because that's what he does and I'm going to call the SGC, because you're *alive*, which is contrary to the funeral and, and..." And he was staring at Rodney, expression open even as Rodney helped him down onto Jeannie's sofa. "And you're in Canada without a passport or any form of ID and it's almost Christmas and I don't want to have to bail you out of jail for some kind of international incident."

"It's almost Christmas?" John was just staring at him. "But I haven't got anyone anything."

Carson eased him down. "I think there's been a wee knock on the head too."

"Before or after I mowed him down with a sled? I was just thinking that I never really want to find out if prison actually decorates for the holidays or not."

"Daddy, dad, dad." Okay, so the orb wasn't in the kitchen but it was in Alex's hand and he was shoving it excitedly at Rodney, with no sense of the gravitas that oh, god. John was really alive, and Rodney was going to have to explain that sometimes, sometimes, hah, the military made horrible mistakes when they declared one thing or another, and that his *other* daddy was actually still alive, and that was a talk he'd never prepared to have with Alex. They'd done the Carson's not really your biological father, but he loves you very much and he's a better cook than Rodney was, so if it wasn't for Carson they'd probably be starving and sad, and somehow that was still a much more reasonable talk than anything Rodney could come up with to explain John to Alex just then.

"Carson, are you going to be all right here, while I call to see just what, I mean, he had to have breached atmosphere at least."

"Relax, Rodney," John drawled and it was like any one of a hundred missions. "I left her parked under cloak up there. No one'll know. I... just had to see you. Told Sweetheart to take me to you."

"Who or what is Sweetheart?" Carson asked as he started examining his leg.

"Best spacefighter ever. I left her parked out back. No one will see her."

Parked under cloak. Rodney had the worst mental image of the Daedalus, or Apollo smacking into whatever John was referring to, except they were all parked in geosynchronous orbit. Still, it wouldn't prevent bits of trash and debris from...

He needed to focus, so Rodney took the jammer from Alex and turned a little. "Okay. I'll be back in a minute. I think the concussion you got either when you landed or when we hit you is getting to you. I'll just..." Go duck into the kitchen and pick up the phone, which he was doing, dialing Colonel Carter because it was the first thing that sprang to his mind and she'd be in the office where O’Neill, no, probably not.

Alex decided this meant he could now indulge his curiosity. "You have a fighter? Can I see it?" he asked hopefully. "Does it go fast?"

"Yeah, it goes really really fast... ow!"

"Sorry, John, just hold still.”

"Why's it called Sweetheart?"

"Because she's a sweetheart of a plane, never let me down. The name kinda stuck. Hey, what's your name?"

"Alex John McKay!" Alex announced proudly.

"Well hey, good to meet you, Alex *John* McKay." John offered his son his hand to shake. "Gotta say you're very… uh."

"I know, Daddy says I'm a genius just like him," Alex interrupted and grinned.

"Alex, what did we say about that?" Carson admonished gently.

"Aw, Carson..." Alex looked down. "I'm not meant to just tell people that. They might be put off."

"Hey, well I've been friends with your Dad for some time and I think I can deal."

Fantastic. He had no idea that he was talking to his own son. John probably thought, well, hell. Who knew what John thought? John *knew* about Rodney in that very intimate way, and he needed to focus while he listened to the ring, ring ring, waiting for Carter to pick up.

"Carter," came her slightly terse answer. "Rodney, this really isn't a good time. We're in the middle of trying to track something here and..."

"Is it a ship in geosynchronous orbit? I ask this, because Colonel John Sheppard just showed up in my sister's yard and he says he flew a fighter from something that he parked in orbit down here."

"Holy..." Sam abruptly started paying him more attention. "John Sheppard? Killed in Action, you saw him shot half a dozen times John Sheppard? Ask him what it is? What's parked up there?"

"Hold on. Carson thinks he has a concussion. We hit him with the sled coming down the hill," Rodney pressed his palm against the receiver and leaned out into the living room, stretching the cord on the phone. "John, just what did you park up there? The SGC's frantic."

"Atlantis. I flew Atlantis home," John answered from the other room. "Killed all the Replicators and brought her home. Busted the gate though. Sorry about that."

"It's Atlantis. He -- the Replicators are gone, the gate's broken, and I, Carter, I'm going to hang up on you now, this is in your hands, I did my duty." He'd let her know and now he was going to hang up over her protestations because holy shit, that really *did* have to be John in there.

"Rodney! Rodney we're going to have to..." He chose that point to hang up. Atlantis fully functioning able to fly through hyperspace, and John...

"Okay, well the good news is that if there is a fracture, it's only a hairline and the worst thing is that you took a bad knock to the stitches you've already got in there." Carson said. "Been in the wars, lad?"

John laughed a tight, sharp bark of laughter. "You have no idea, Carson. No idea."

Rodney held onto the Orb, wandering disjointedly into the living room again. "Hi. I, uh. They'll probably be sending someone around soon but we'll deal with that when it happens. You're back."

"Yeah." John was able to track him with his eyes, so he couldn't be that concussed. There was a long pause and then John said, "Sorry I'm late."

Which was the most ridiculous and infuriating thing to say ever.

"You've missed a lot. You, I'm sure we've missed a lot, but I'm not going to grill you on what you did to the Replicators, because we've been struggling with them again ourselves, and the Ori, so actually I am interested on how to kill them off, but..." Rodney glanced over to Carson, and then to Alex, and Jeannie was staring at all of them, with Kaleb hovering in the background staring at John like he still wasn't sure if he should call for help. "Uh."

"John, it's good to see you again," Jeannie said simply.

"Hey, Jeannie," John gave her a little wave. "Kaleb, uh, sorry about dropping in unannounced. In my head this was going to be a more casual sort of reunion. Uh..."

"Okay, John, I think we need you to have a lie down somewhere," Carson murmured and it was then that Rodney realized that John, for all his laid back drawl had been clinging on to Carson's hand as if he was dangling over a cliff.

He looked bruised around the eyes and Rodney wanted to reach out and wipe them away. "We can put you in, uh, the guest room we're in." He reached a hand for John's other hand, ready to haul him up again. It would be easier for Carson to do whatever he needed to do, even if it meant they'd have to get John up the stairs.

"Sure," John said reaching for him.

"And you can change out of those wet clothes," Carson said.

"They're cool clothes," Alex contributed. "Can I have clothes like that?"

"No." Rodney helped John get up again, glancing to Carson. "Actually, you can if you go into acting."

"Here we go." Carson got an arm under him. "Have to say, John, I'm just guessing here but I think you're way underweight."

"Yeah probably," John answered. "I've been..." He shrugged obviously not knowing how to explain. "I've not been good for a while."

"You still got here. You, you came home." Came back to him and Carson, and all of them, and Alex, and hell, things had just gotten complicated but there wasn’t time to think. They got up the stairs slowly, with Alex lingering no less than three steps ahead of them on the stairs, fingers busily fussing with the poles on the banister. Rodney was distracted enough that he didn't realize until they were past the top of the stairs and heading towards the guest bedroom that Alex had to have climbed up the back of the sofa and from there over the railings to get in front of them without sliding between anyone’s legs.

Alex did that sort of thing. He climbed and threw himself off of things, or into things. But he did helpfully open the door for them and ran and jumped on the bed as if they might've forgotten where it was even as they helped John onto it.

"Here we go lad," Carson murmured. "You do realize they'll have the SGC here in a couple of hours or so?"

"Yeah." John looked at them. "I just needed to see you. Been keeping me going." He gave a lopsided smile. "They can have me in a bit."

"We're not letting them walk off with you." Not that he thought they'd do anything to John, but he didn't need the hassle and if they *did* need to report someone to be debriefed, then John wasn't going to go alone, because he looked like death microwaved on full power for about 5 minutes too long. Alex bounced on the bed again, even as he and Carson tried to get John so he could lie down on the bed.

"Here, you can have Carson's AND Dad's pillows!" Alex said, arranging them helpfully for them all, and the look in John's eyes as he obviously registered that news was terrible.

"Thanks, Alex," he said with a smile that wasn't as joyous as before. "Congratulations huh? You and Carson?"

"Yeah. Alex is, he..." He was brilliant and bright and helpful and the whole thing was exciting for him and not trauma-prone, which was good. Less to deal with later, Rodney decided while he and Carson helped John lay down. Rodney moved to pull at the bizarre Athosian style boots John was wearing. Why the Athosians had never learned proper waterproofing, Rodney would never know.

"Think I'm gonna find out that lots of things have changed huh?" John said. "Sorry for interrupting your vacation."

"We'll have none of that, John. It's a proper miracle having you back and you are more than welcome to interrupt us when you are coming back from the dead," Carson answered, helping to strip down his pants as well. "Let's get this shirt off as well."

And there it was, quelling the horrifying thought that he had *imagined* what had happened to John because here he was, alive after all, but there was the feeding scar on his chest, and there were bullet wounds scattered over his chest and torso. He could see Carson frowning a little as if trying to work it all out in his head.

Rodney left the snow sopped clothes sit on the floor for a minute while he reached into a half unpacked suitcase to pull out a pair of his own Pajamas. Hell, they could've put him in Kaleb's clothes, because he was the same weedy build and that was a depressing thought. "Your brother's flying up here before New Year’s, so you picked the best time to show up. You're not interrupting a damn thing, John, here. Ignore the fact that half the equations on these pajamas are wrong -- apparently novelty sleepwear absolves a designer of basic math skills -- and Alex is your son."

John frowned a little and seemed to be trying out words that never made it to an actual sound.

"...what?"

"Rodney!" Carson hissed at him. "I'm sorry, John, Rodney really doesn't mean to send someone into shock like that."

"John is my other daddy?" Alex stared at them all. "My other dad has a fighter plane!"

"What? I couldn't think of any other way to say it!" Rodney helped John get his arms into the pajama shirt while Carson got the bottoms on John.

"....Alex is my son?" John repeated faintly and he really had drained of color.

"John's been MIA for five years and he's partly concussed and disorientated and you pick *now* as a good time to tell him that you had his baby?" Carson remonstrated.

"Rodney had my baby?" John looked one shade of color away from passing out completely.

"Hey, hey, sit up and breathe, John, you can't just pass out on us, Jeannie will kill me after Carson's done doing it." He wanted to lean down and slap John a little, but putting a hand under his head might've helped. Rodney wasn't sure.

"Rodney... oh for god's sake, do you ever listen to me? Give me the pillows, I need to elevate his feet," Carson demanded.

Alex bounced off the bed. "I need to tell Maddie I've got *three* dads!" he said and ran out of the door, bellowing for his cousin.

Carson fussed at elevating John's feet which did, rather surprisingly, help although John still looked pale.

"All right," Carson took a deep breath. "John, we'll talk about this in more detail, but the upshot is that after Rodney made it back after the mission where Kolya had you both hostage, a little while afterwards, he discovered in defiance of medical odds that he was pregnant. Usually people with his genetic profile are in effect sterile. However, this was the exception to prove the rule. At the point where we were going to tell people, make a decision, the Ancients returned and threw the 'squatters' out of Atlantis. Rodney… understandably had issues and I asked him to live with me. Our relationship developed from that point. After Alex was born, we've taken care of him, and we thought your father ought to know that he had a grandson from you so we connected with them... does that make more sense?"

John nodded a little, though he still looked wild-eyed.

"Which is why your brother's visiting, because we've kept in contact with your family through the years and Alex will love to get to know you. Your father swore Alex was just like you." Rodney shifted, awkward, glancing to Carson for cues on what to do. "And this is why we should all be glad I'm not a field medic."

"We really should," Carson confirmed. "Well, first thing I'm going to do is to get you something to drink and eat because even if you've eaten recently you could do with it again. We'll work out everything else, but I'm sure there's no reason if they want to debrief you John, that they can't beam us up to the Apollo or something and return you right here. And I'm absolutely sure rustling up a passport is within their capabilities. Rodney is going to talk to you and try not to send you into shock anymore."

Carson raised his eyebrows meaningfully at John and then after patting John on the arm, left them alone.

The worst part of being left there with John was that his first thought was to tell John that by the way, his father had died. He bit that one back and glanced over towards the door. Alex had run off to crow at Maddie, but there was no telling when he'd be back. "So."

John seemed to be thinking. "Y'know, I was just so intent on getting back to you I didn’t think of what I might find."

"I had Alex. It was a weird, hard decision to make, but..." Rodney stayed where he was, still looking down at John's pale, dazed face. "And I mean weird, because pregnant men aren't even funny in comedies."

"I raped you, Rodney," John said. "I'm sorry. I..."

He looked unsettled and lost.

"It wasn't rape. It was horrible circumstances. It..." Was something he didn't try to think about, but Rodney was used to *not* thinking about it more than he was used to thinking about it.

"Rodney," John was struggling with that. "You can't rape a willing... I mean, I got it up, I should've been unreactive."

"Oh, yes, because human anatomy always works that way -- look, I'm not going to find you male rape pamphlets that tell you you're wrong, though I'm sure Carson would know where to find them, and published by two or more reputable sources, but it was a prisoner situation. You had a gun to your head. I couldn't *not* do it."

John stared at him a little. "Shit, none of this is going the way I thought it would," he managed. "You were meant to tell me that you hated me then I was going to tell you how much I missed you and I thought I loved you and... this is some weirdass dream isn't it? "

"Do you dream about getting run over by sleds much?" Rodney looked to the door again and kept watching John's face. "I've missed you. I missed you a lot."

"You've got Carson," John answered. "You've got a family. I don't think I'm much good with family and... I'm a bit screwed up, Rodney. Even by my standards."

"Then Carson can handle two people who have PTSD. Three, if you count him and we should, because, look, no-one walked away from that mission in one piece and you're alive, which is a miracle by itself. You have a son. He's always wanted to know who his biological father is. You can stay with us."

John looked surprised. "Hadn't you better consult with Carson on that?" he asked.

"Consult with me on what?" Carson said as he came back in the door with several steaming mugs and what appeared to be the entire contents of the snack cupboard. "Jeannie was making the kids hot chocolate so I thought that would be good and then I raided the cupboard for all the things we went crazy on as kids."

"I'm still pretty bad on that. I mean, I haven't run out and bought a car from our finances without consulting him, bad, but I nearly did get Alex a kitten, and uh..." Rodney looked over his shoulder, and finally thought about taking his winter coat off. The gloves were probably down in the living room, and there was a 40 to 60 percent chance that Alex was wearing one of them on his head like a cock's comb. "Thanks," He smiled at Carson when Carson passed him a mug, while they both tried to get John propped up a little closer to sitting.

He definitely needed to talk to Carson alone.

John's hands were shaking a little as he took the mug and drank some of the sweet chocolate. "Teyla sent back presents for everyone and Ronon," he said suddenly. "I left them in orbit. Sorry."

He almost asked if John had left Ronon in Orbit, but it clicked after a minute. "You came back. You came back, John. That's better than anything, you... you're back."

"It's wonderful to have you home," Carson said soothingly. "There will be time for catching up when you've had a little rest and the SGC have been here and Alex and Maddie have gone to bed."

"We'll try to keep Alex from interrogating you." He could keep himself from interrogating John, but it was hard to not watch the way John clutched onto that mug.

"I appreciate it. Good to see you again. I'm glad you're happy."

"You have a wee rest," Carson said, beckoning Rodney up and away. "Chances are we'll end up going over all this again when things have settled down."

Which, given their track record, would be too far off in the distance. Rodney took the hint, though, watching John as he stood up. "We'll be downstairs. Yell if you need anything."

"Okay, thanks, guys," John answered and as they shut the door behind them, he could hear him rustling in one of the snack bags.

It was just surreal, incredibly surreal and Carson looked as shaky about it as he did.

"I think I need to sit down a moment," Carson said eventually. "Somewhere private."

Rodney reached for Carson, grabbing at the fabric of his shirt, leaning into him. "Private is hard to do in this house."

"Yeah, I know," Carson pulled him into the bathroom. "Dear god in heaven, Rodney, I'm not sure what to say. John's alive."

"John's alive," Rodney murmured, following Carson and pulling the door. Yeah, that was going to have to do, standing in the bathroom and being grateful that Jeannie's bathroom floor was vinyl and not real tile so there'd be less of an echo.

"He looks like he's been a bloody prisoner of war for five years," Carson said. "All the classic signs of advanced battle fatigue. What did he say he had to consult with me about?"

"That I had to. He started going on about not being good with families and how he'd expected things to be different and I told him he could stay with us." Rodney leaned his ass against the edge of the sink.

Carson exhaled. "Okay," he said. "Alright..." He hesitated a moment. "All of us? Together?"

There was something off about Carson's tone of voice. "Is there some deeper implication I'm missing here? Just until, until, look, I don't know until when or how it's going to work, but you said for yourself that he looks like a PoW, and I'm never going to be able to look at that place setting in the cafeteria again."

Carson looked down at his hands. "At the risk of being selfish, I love John, I really do, but does this mean you want me to leave? I mean he is the natural father..."

"Do I want you to leave?" He leaned forwards, grabbing at Carson's shoulders tightly. "I know I'm not the best with relationships, but we're sharing a house, a life, so how did we get from where we are now to whether I want you to leave? I was, oh, this is just hellish."

"You loved... love John," Carson said looking at him. "He's Alex's father, I'm just Carson Beckett, the guy who took advantage of a gap in your life. I love you, Rodney, I love Alex and I want you to be happy. Being with John would make you happy."

"You're an idiot," Rodney sighed, leaning into Carson, shifting his hands to hold onto Carson. "You're just Carson Beckett, guy who's made my life enjoyable for the last few years, Carson Beckett, guy who Alex runs to when he's twisted his ankle, which is a stupid habit that he takes after John with, but you, you're family and I was going to talk to you about trying to do this, this whole routine again, and then we ran over John with a sled."

Then it was Carson's turn to look stunned. "Wait, what? You were going to talk to me about becoming pregnant again? With me?"

"Right. You dote on Alex and you're from a huge family. I had Jeannie to grow up with." He turned his head, mugging onto Carson for a moment. "I was going to spring it on you, sort of 'Hey, how do you feel about Christmas sex without birth control', if we ever got Alex to go to sleep."

"Oh my god." He literally felt Carson relax then. "I'm sorry, I'm just a wee bit rattled and you know how I get. I...I bought you a ring ...for a commitment if nothing else Rodney. This has just thrown me for a loop."

"Which means it's the worst time to make 'do you want me to leave' decisions, because that's stupid. I'm not going to throw you over just because John's back. That's really stupid. In fact, if I can say that again," Carson gave a half-laugh then and Rodney pressed his hand down along Carson's spine. "I love you. You're… I already realized what you meant to me once, when the Asgard took you."

Carson kissed him. “But you do love John don't you?" he asked, warm and solid against him.

"I don't know. It's been years and he's, I, I don't know. I'm not going to say yes and then have you martyr yourself or do a yenta or I don't know what you're thinking, but you're mine and I've lost you once and I can't just keep losing people and then having them waltz the hell back into my life over and over again."

"My mum always says that love is not something that decreases for the sharing, just your heart grows bigger," Carson said. "She used to tell my brother and sisters that when there was another one of us on the way. If you love me, and you love John then we can make that work. I know you, Rodney, you can make anything work."

"Right, well. I don't know how it looks in your head, but the reality's standing a little differently right now, so let's just... try to help John and carry on with our lives and just, I don't want to put things up in the air." Any more than they already were. Hell, they were having a conversation in his sister's bathroom. Rodney exhaled, and inhaled the vague scent of Carson's shaving lotion.

"We'll do this, then. Give him that time. He's going to need a lot of help and support. It's been five years, and I still don't know how he survived. Any one of those bullet wounds could've killed him."

"I saw him get shot. There's a feeding wound on his chest." Rodney rolled his shoulders and pressed his mouth against Carson's neck. "And this is completely inappropriate, but I'm going to blame shock. You're not allowed to leave."

"I won't leave, I promise," Carson murmured, moving to allow a closer access. "I'd never leave you, never. Or Alex, never."

"Good. Because I love you. I actually have a cost-related spreadsheet proving that we could afford another child, particularly if we invest for college now like we did with Alex..." He kept his eyes closed, trying to not think too hard on the bigger picture of John being home.

Carson chuckled, "Rodney, between us we earn probably five times the income my parents had to raise seven. It's not about cost. Let’s see what happens. We've just had an amazing Christmas present early and I'm sure John is more than a little overwhelmed."

"Right." Rodney exhaled again, concentrating on Carson's fingers against the nape of his neck. "We should probably leave the bathroom in case there's someone who actually needs it."

"Aye well, we might end up sleeping here if John gets the guest bedroom," Carson said with a smile. "Let’s resume this a little bit later shall we?"

"Jeannie's sofa’s not so bad," Rodney sighed. "Later." He was even going to be mature about it and pull back from Carson, reaching to open the door so they could leave.

After all, they had to see what devastation Alex had managed to cause in the time they were distracted.

* * *

The last thing John thought he would be doing in his first day back on Earth was sleeping, but he had, twice so far, despite all the revelations spinning around his head. Once after Rodney and Carson left to give him time, and then straight through after General O'Neill had turned up with a few people to say hi, and grill him on the basic details.

He'd been so tired after that he didn't actually remember if the General had left before he had fallen asleep or not. For once, he woke without the nightmares, but he lay there thinking a while.

He was a father. Rodney and Carson... together.

It was surreal. He was a father and somehow that had brought Rodney and Carson together. He was sure that Carson was a good parent. He'd always gotten along well with kids, and Rodney seemed so at ease with the boy. And they'd named him Alex John.

Yeah, surreal didn't even scratch the surface, and somewhere miles above the planet the SGC was boarding Atlantis, his city. O'Neill was probably with them.

Atlantis would be fine with him. Sweetheart. Well, she was being transported, too, and he was willing to bet that meant O’Neill was going to fly her and suddenly everything he did have left was being taken away.

And for all anyone had said, he wasn't sure if he had something to replace it with or not.

His goddamn leg hurt as well. Talk about the worst dramatic entrance ever. Fly the galactic gulf and get taken out by a sled. Yeah.

There was creak of a door hinge. He was almost immediately at battle readiness, hunting instinctively for a weapon. But instead of an enemy or even an adult, it was Alex, apparently overwhelmed with curiosity so he was sneaking in.

"Hiii." His whisper sounded excitable as he crept in. "Hi, John."

"Hi, Alex," he managed, shifting himself to look a little more together. "Bit early for you to be up?"

"No." He tottered closer into the bedroom, peering at John. "Dad and Uncle Carson are on the sofa. Dad said that you're my other biological dad."

John found himself patting the bed next to him. He was used to the Athosian kids sprawling all over him as part of Teyla's 'therapy' to keep him sane, and Alex was apparently his son so...

"So they tell me," he admitted. "I didn't even know Rodney was going to have you."

"Yeah, Dad said that. He also said that the military 'sometimes' makes mistakes. Rabbit ears around words mean that's a lie, so..." So, and Rodney had said it just like that the night before, staring at John expectantly, just like Alex was. His pajamas had some kind of cat pattern on them.

He smiled at that. "Well, they were pretty close to the truth this time around. Your dad and I were on a mission and things went wrong. I was hurt pretty badly and if this other guy hadn't have rescued me, I would've been... I would never have come back. But I got better and then I had to try and find a way home and carry on protecting our friends there and well, it took me this long to get back to everyone."

"And now I get to meet you." Alex was still *peering* at him. "Where do you live? Can I see your fighter plane?"

"I haven't got anywhere to live yet," John answered truthfully enough. "And sure, but I think they're taking her back to Colorado Springs with them... the military guys."

Alex was so together for a four year old, going on five, that it threw him a little.

“Oh. You should live with us." Alex decided it, still staring at him. "Everyone talked about you a lot last night."

"They did huh?" John said raising an eyebrow. "What did they say about me?"

That was a little disconcerting.

"Aunt Jeannie said you looked sick. Dad said you were going home with us. Uncle Kaleb played Monopoly with us when Dad and Uncle Carson went to talk on the porch." It was a little disjointed, but for four, that was a pretty good intel report.

"Wow." John contemplated this information. "Ever considered becoming a spy?" he teased a little and grinned. He could see the tell-tale points to the ears, the shock of messy dark hair that he could just tell was his, but Alex's eyes were Rodney-blue.

Bright, sharply, Rodney-blue. "No. I like maths. And playing outside. You owe me a sled ride. I didn't go on it but once yesterday, and we hit you. Are you okay?"

"My leg’s a bit shaky, but that's not really to do with you guys, I hurt it before," John said. "Soon as I'm okay to get up we'll have a go on that sled again, huh? I used to like going really fast and then putting my arms out to see if it was like flying."

"That's the best way. Dad likes to hug me all the way down and Uncle Kaleb mutters about uh, Somebody Frome." Alex shifted, peering at John. "You're in dad's pajamas!"

"Yeah, I guess I am. He let me borrow them," John answered, finding it best when it came to kids just to roll with the subject changes. "So, hey... you're my son and I don't know much about you. How about filling in some of the gaps?"

"I'm almost five." There was no holding up of fingers -- Alex was probably past that stage. "I go to school next September. Dad didn't want me going yet. Says I need to be bigger. I'm going into first or second grade. Dad and Carson argue about that."

"What do you want to do?" John asked, studying him

"Learn a lot." Alex was all grins when he said it. "And play games. I play a lot. Games . I have a handheld, and a console, and a computer, and I want a kitten. I heard Dad and Carson talking about it. I don't think I'm getting one for Christmas. Pets, Dad said, do not fit well in that big bag."

"I miss playing games," John answered. "Now that's something I could do, even now. Give your Dad time, he used to tell me how much he missed his cat when we were away and... when it comes to learning, I bet you've got them all beat. So has Carson been like, your other dad?"

"Yes." Alex nodded eagerly. "I love Carson, 'n my Dad. Because they're going to make me Mickey Mouse pancakes when they get up. With jelly. And then I'm going to wake Maddie up and then we can all go play outside, because it snowed again."

"Wow, again?" John said and felt a pang of *something* but he wasn't sure what. He just felt so disconnected from everything. "How many days is it until Christmas anyway?"

He didn't know and it felt pretty weird and he wanted to do something to make up for things. Maybe he could order stuff online or something. Ask Jeannie to buy a few things. He had to do something."

"Four? No. No." There was a thoughtful look. "The fourth day will *be* Christmas, so, that makes three. Three days until Christmas. I'm glad you came! You came for Christmas. Dad talked about you a lot, and Uncle Dave. He said I'm just like you and you grew up, uhm, willful and cool."

"Oh, he said that did he?" John raised his eyebrows a little. "I'm really glad to meet you as well. Where I was before, I used to get jumped on by a lot of kids, usually for stories. No TV, no computer games."

"I like stories. I have a whole lot of books. I got a Pinocchio book for my birthday, and it's got pictures and it's better than the movie one. Will you tell me stories, too? If your leg hurts 'n you can't sled?" Ah, there was a hint of continuity in his thought.

"Sure, I'm sure I can come up with a few things." He'd corrupted Earth movies for stories for the Athosian kids, but he'd picked up a fair few Athosian, Genii, Satedan, Manaran and all over Pegasus folk tales of one kind or another. Some would do really well. He made a mental note that Alex was reading early as well. "I'm pretty sure I can persuade them to let me sled a bit. You know... you've got my ears there I reckon," he said reaching out to touch the tip of the nearest ear with fascination.

"Dad said that." Alex grinned, that crooked smile that mirrored Rodney's. "Are you going to stay?"

"Here now? Yeah. Back at yours?" John hesitated. "I guess we'll see how it goes. You guys have been a family for a long time and then I come out of nowhere. That's got to be pretty weird for all of you."

"So? Dad said I came out of nowhere, and Dad loves me a lot." Alex shifted, knees pressing against John's leg, he was inched in so closely.

"Good point," John said, wishing it really was that easy. "I'm just saying, some bad stuff happened to me and I might not be the best person to have around okay? Nothing to do with you or your dads, more to do with me." He wasn't sure if Alex understood but at least he wasn't hiding anything.

Alex eyed him for a moment, and then declared, "Okay," as if it was that easy. "What did you do? To get to fly?"

"Well, what have your dads told you about what they did?" John asked, noticing Alex had crept closer again.

It was almost creepy of Alex, but he seemed fascinated by John. "Yes. They work for the Government, and they're scientists, and before me, they were on a big special project that they can tell me about when I get older. When I get a 'curity clear-rance."

"Well, I was on the big special project too," John answered. "And my job was to protect everyone else. So when your Dad was busy saving everyone, because he did that a lot, I had to make sure no one stopped him. And on the times when things went a bit wrong, then Carson would make sure we got better again. But...well, I got left behind and that meant I had to keep on fighting the nasty people to protect our other friends and to find a way home. And there was a lot of flying... too much flying I guess but I had to keep doing it."

"Dad said you died protecting him. And that you were a good person and I would've liked you, and I do like you." He turned his head, peering towards one of the half opened suitcases and then slipped off the bed. "Are you getting up?"

"I guess we could. Those Mickey Mouse pancakes sound good. You reckon they're up yet?" John asked even as he swung gingerly around.

"Yes. I jumped on the sofa before I came up here. Dad squawked." Alex flipped the suitcase open carefully, pulling free what looked like a stuffed white tiger. "This is for you. If you can't sleep. I forgot I brought him."

John smiled a little taking the gift. "Thanks. He got a name?" he asked, appreciating that he'd thought of that, to give away a toy that was worth packing was a big deal.

"Monticore. Dad suggested it and Carson smacked his arm for it, so I think one day they'll tell me why it was funny. So, he's Monticore." Alex grinned and added, "I got him when we went to the zoo. I like zoos and museums and we do all sorts of things. And have breakfast. "

"Right now, Monty here can guard the bed while we go look for breakfast," John said. He was pretty hungry. The snacks had been wonderful and almost too sweet but yeah, he could eat. He stood a little unsteadily, wincing a little at the painful leg, but able to walk.

"Did we do that when we hit you?" Alex asked, watching him wobble. "With the sled?"

"I hurt it some before," John said, working the kinks out. "The sled didn't help but I did most of it before, don't worry. Let's go, I'll catch you up."

"Okay!" Alex pivoted, moving fast now that he thought John was going to follow him and he padded out into the hallway with stocking feet and a determined pace.

It seemed strange, of all things, to be walking on carpet. Carpet didn't happen much in Pegasus, it was stone floors and rugs. He looked at himself in the equation ridden pajamas and surprised himself by spotting the incorrect ones immediately as he was going along.

He blatantly stole a robe and headed off downstairs, testing his strength.

The stairs creaked as he walked down them and he could hear sound in the kitchen. There were blankets on the sofa, and it looked disarrayed, the coffee table pushed back from it.

"Okay, and... Jeannie, do you have that weird butter substitute?"

"It's not a weird butter substitute," Jeannie said and oh god, he could smell coffee. Real coffee. He was practically salivating at the smell. And toast - just the smell of toast was enough to amaze him. "Use what you want, we'll have to go shopping soon. It says we're going to have some bad storms so I want to get everything in early just in case."

"Do you want me to go with you?" That was Rodney's voice offering and John just wandered into the middle of an easy sort of chaos. Alex was sitting on a stool near the center island, watching raptly as Rodney whisked a bowl full of batter. Carson was over by the coffee pot, pouring cups out.

"Please, Mer, do I look like I want to stab myself in the hand with a fork? No. We always end up arguing over something. If I take anyone, I'll take Carson. He knows when to shut up and carry things," Jeannie said.

"Thanks a lot, Jeannie," Carson said dryly, even as John limped in silently. Stealth was a habit that he didn't even have to think about, even with a limp.

“Hi, John! Here, sit by me." Yeah, he was still novel for Alex, and probably still novel for them all, because Rodney tilted his head, staring at John just as intently as Alex was.

"Oh, hey, you're up. Good. I was going to run upstairs and see if you wanted pancakes, but since you're here -- do you want pancakes?"

"My secret spy network told me there were pancakes, so I came on a mission," John said smirking a little at Alex. "Is that... coffee? I haven't had coffee for...uh..."

He actually couldn't remember.

Five years was a good, round-about guess, though. "Yeah. No, have all the coffee you want, you've pretty much moved into the cheap person's version of Starbucks. Carson also makes a great cup of tea." Rodney sat up a little straighter, whisking the pancakes for a minute longer.

"Tea is something I have a lot of experience with," John said, fascinated at Rodney actually cooking. "So, you know... cooking?"

"It was learn minimal cooking or have Carson kill me. And Jeannie." Rodney shifted, reaching to pull a pan down from where Jeannie had it hanging on the wall. "And it's really just science, when you come down to it."

"I have special Scottish training," Carson replied. "I made a lot of tea when I was young. Alex lovey, don't eat the raw batter, it won't taste nice."

"I was just having a taste!" Alex said taking his finger out of the edge of the bowl.

Carson presented John with his coffee, resting his hand gently on his shoulder for a moment that rather unexpectedly made his throat tighten with emotion. "Toast, John?"

"Yeah...yeah, I'd like that," he managed. "Uh...Y'know, I'm kinda without, well, anything actually. Is there any way I can get some things?"

"Oh, uh." Rodney gestured to Carson and Jeannie a little. "They’re going grocery shopping, and Kaleb and Maddie are possibly going with them, but you, I and Alex can go shopping, and that wasn't anything nearly like a decent sentence."

"No, no it wasn't," John agreed. "O'Neill said something about sorting out some emergency funds for me until they can sort out things."

He'd never had much stuff, but his bank account would've gone to his family and anything meaningful he'd left to people from Atlantis.

"I should have money anyway." The bounty on bringing home planet defending weapons was likely to be pretty damn high as well. "Getting boxers would be a good start."

He caught Rodney grinning, and Alex *peering* at him. "You don't have underpants? I thought everyone had--"

"Yes, you have to wear them," Rodney cut off, picking up the batter bowl again.

"Spoilsport," John murmured and smirked.

"John, you are already corrupting our son and Rodney you should know with Alex that you have to specify *where * he has to where them," Carson said even as John sipped the coffee and closed his eyes in near rapture. "He means NOT wearing them on your head, Alex. That doesn't count."

"If you wear your underwear on your head, Alex, I'm taking pictures and sharing with the world," Madison declared from the dining table. It looked like she had a book with her and a glass of juice.

"She would as well. And most likely pull it out when you get your first Nobel," Jeannie said.

"Joint Nobel," Madison corrected sipping the juice. "Me and Alex."

"Alex and I," Kaleb corrected as he wandered through. "Hey, pancakes."

Rodney was going great guns on them and this felt good. Felt like the family chaos of Teyla's long house with the complicated Athosian family links drawing in all and sundry. He hadn't realized that Teyla had effectively adopted him to give him the privilege, but she'd been right about dealing with people helping.

It had helped bring him back from the brink, so maybe there wasn’t any harm in pursuing a little of that with Rodney's offer. If Carson was even willing to allow it, and if he didn't, John could understand. "They're all shaped like Mickey mouse," Rodney shrugged as he carefully flipped a two-eared pancake over and cooked it on the other side.

"Aye, it apparently makes them taste better," Carson said. "Toast for you, John."

He put a plate down in front of him and looked at the food, a little stunned by the way it was just there. No meager winter stores, no lean times, no trading for every mouthful or hauling in harvests.

"I managed to not even burn it, John," Carson prompted. "Spreads over there if you want them."

"Thanks." It was a bit much in terms of culture shock.

"So, I'm going to take Carson and Kaleb... Maddie do you want to help buy things for Christmas? We have to make cookies tomorrow, it's tradition and Mer, you’re taking John and Alex. Just make sure you get enough to see us through the storm that’s coming in."

"Enough what? Clothes and underwear or am I buying other things?" Rodney turned and carefully laid the first three pancakes melded into one giant mickey shape on Alex's plate, before he started another one. "Do I need a list?"

"Mer, you're the one who always says, Oh hey, I could just do with a pack of… whatever," Jeannie pointed out.

"Syrup!" Alex demanded, poking at his pancakes and at Carson’s look, added, "Please."

John was getting a feel for the way the parenting worked with Carson and Rodney although he suspected if Alex wasn't so bright he would be terribly over protected.

"Good, lad." Carson approved. "We can make a list of things before we go."

"I probably need help remembering what I'll need," John said, having noticed Alex brighten at the talk of a list.

"I can help with a list! I can write and *everything*."

"Yes, but are both groups going to the grocery store, or?" Rodney gestured vaguely with his spatula.

"You go clothes shopping for John. Get what he needs, we'll take care of the rest... You'll just bring back extra's anyway," Jeannie said. "Do you have something aside from those pajamas for him to wear?"

Well, he could've gone out in public wearing pajamas, but it would've been awkward, John figured. Rodney looked at John, sizing him up as he started to slide another piece onto a plate. "Kaleb, can he borrow some of your clothes? We have the same shoe size, so you get my boots."

"Sure," Kaleb answered and John couldn't help but notice that Rodney seemed to have gotten over any lingering resentment to his brother-in-law. "After the pancakes we'll go take a look, see what we've got."

"I appreciate it," he said with his best manners. "After the pancakes.”

* * *

His life has taken a surreal turn.

On one hand, he was struggling to be normal. To just carry on and wedge John in, except that wasn't working. He'd gotten Alex into the backseat, strapped into his booster seat for his own safety, and then John had gotten into the passenger seat beside him, while Rodney buckled himself up and started the drive.

It just wasn't working. It *was* surreal, and Rodney decided to embrace that. "I guess it's been a while since you've been in a car, too."

"Pretty much," John answered laconically and his voice was at odds with his appearance. Funnily enough he didn't look any older, but he looked worn down, fragile and that wasn't something he could square in his head with John. "Pretty much fighters or a city."

"Was it a big city?" Alex asked from the backseat, headed turned to look out the window, which Rodney could only see because he'd glanced in the rear window.

"Were you staying with Teyla? We're going to have to talk later. I, I want to help."

"Yeah, it's a big city," John answered, and there was just something a little off about John. As if he was visiting a strange world on a mission and was charming the natives. "Yeah, eventually I caught up with Teyla and Ronon. Ronon's got a daughter now... Melina. Gonna be a looker when she gets older. And Teyla was pregnant when I left as well."

Teyla, pregnant. Well, it was less shocking than Rodney had expected the news to be and he hoped they were all well. Better than well. "Huh. I'm glad they're alive."

"We ever go back, Teyla'll be like an Empress or something. She was pretty much in charge of the alliance," John answered staring out of the window.

He could feel John slipping away. It was tangible, and baffling, because he'd just gotten there, just come back, and he was further away than ever for somehow who'd just come back from the dead to them. "I'm sorry we didn't look for you." It came out in a blurt and it wasn't something Alex needed to hear, but…

John flashed him a sudden surprised look as if that was the last thing that had occurred to him. "Rodney, it's okay. I knew that. You saw me pretty much die. That's a good reason for not coming after me."

"We, and by we, I mean the team and Carson, went out and searched the uh, area for you. Looking for you." For his body and they hadn't found it, which Rodney had thought meant that John had been desiccated away. "And about what I said last night, Carson and I talked about it and the offer still stands."

John reacted with a pause of silence and then spoke. "Carson agrees?" he asked. "If you're both sure I'd like to try. On the understanding that, well I don't mess stuff up for you guys."

"Is John coming to live with us?" Alex asked from the back of the car, sounding hopeful.

"Yes." Then Rodney glanced to John again, and added, "Yes? We had Elizabeth stay with us for a few months after her lease expired at her apartment, while she got herself together." The whole process had taken Elizabeth almost two years, from start to halting finish, but she was brilliant and Carson hadn't wanted depression and stress to pull her down. "Not that we're just offering for a few months, this isn't some weird post-college until you get back on your feet thing."

"It isn't?" That did seem to surprise John and he was actually looking at him again which was good and also distracting because he'd forgotten about John's eyes and what they could do to him. "Tell me about the others? I want to know if they are okay."

Of course he would. That was more like *his* John.

That was more like the John who'd gone missing, who Rodney had missed. "Radek's working at the SGC again. He was at Area 51, but transferred back. Lorne's commanding a team. I telecommute and go in on certain days of the week. Carson is the reluctant CMO." And it worked. Alex had plenty of attention and near full time supervision and hands on learning.

"Reluctant huh?" John smiled a little. "I remember him being possessive about his infirmary. Still playing prime not prime with Zelenka? Lorne been promoted yet? How about Elizabeth, what's she doing?"

"She's going out and negotiating treaties. On a team, ala Daniel Jackson. I spend very little time out in the field now." And with good reason, though the base itself could be just as deadly at the end of the day. "Zelenka's great in the lab. Better than before, seeing as he's been sort-of seeing Elizabeth. A lot of the mission is still with the SGC."

That seemed to provoke more quietness and thought. "They're probably going to want to hold on to me, only..." John hesitated. "I'm not sure if I can keep doing it anymore."

And that was eerily similar to how Carson had been after his alien abduction incident. And this was John, who could tolerate pretty much anything.

"Then take some time off. And by some, I mean a few months. They did it for Carson," Rodney commented quietly. "And we can talk about that later."

John was still looking at him as if he wanted to say more but from the way his eyes flicked to where Alex was, he obviously was holding back. "Carson had time off?" he asked.

"Carson was on a very long mission that he didn't agree to. By the way, some of the mission's old allies have a new, uh, healthier look." Rodney glanced at Alex again in the rear view mirror and Alex waved vaguely.

"Stuffs dads can't talk about, I know. Military stuffs. And I'm not allowed to join until I'm 18 and stupid enough to sign up for it."

"I take it that's a quote huh?" John answered. "Speaking as someone stupid enough to sign up."

"Not that you're stupid. You wanted to fly, the Air Force is the best way to fly. I just said it to... well, we go to all the work functions, a lot of them are over here, and Jeannie wanted him to not just assume that the military was for everyone. And Alex, what word aren't you allowed to say?"

"Not allowed to call people stupid?" Alex half asked hopefully. "Even if Dad does."

John smiled a little at that. "Problem is, compared to him, we can't really call it a lie."

"No, see, that is a lie. I've talked with your family, John. Math genius pretending to be less smart than you are, oh no, you can't get away with that any more. You're disgustingly well socialized for a math nerd." He hoped that the nerd part went over well with John, but he was -- all stories from John's past pointed to that.

"Look, on my own," John started saying and then had to pull up another smile. "You would've laughed, Rodney. I had to be the McKay of the operation. That fact alone might explain the five years."

He glanced briefly at John then eyes back to the road. "You were?"

"Yeah. I take back at least half of the times I was pushing you to get something done in a hurry," John answered. "Y'know, even I was amazed I remembered as much as I did from what you were doing. Good job you like to talk stuff out to yourself."

"Really? What did you..." Shit, he couldn't finish the question, and just kept his eyes on the road even though the idea of talking that out excited him. Because John, with a brain and admitting to it, talking about some of his scientific experiences in Pegasus was almost irresistible. "We'll talk about this later."

"Okay," John said and he had a faint smile as if he had achieved something there.

"I can do algebra!" Alex contributed even if he stumbled a little over the word. "Dad showed me how. It's easy!"

"Easy huh?" John asked. "Why don't you tell me how you do it?"

"It's a real number system. A plus B, equals B plus A. And if it's AB equals X, then I can divide AB by A, and X by A, and then B equals X divided by A."

It warmed Rodney's heart to hear Alex going on like that, meaning it and understanding it, but still able to enjoy everything he came across, from games to sledding, to riding in the back seat of the car.

And thank god Alex was relatively calm when they were out shopping.

John managed to ask sensible, relaxed questions even as they got there and parked then started shopping.

The first stop was clothes and John unsurprisingly headed for black. And when he came out wearing it, even with his worn look, he looked like a supermodel.

It was just a department store, just a normal men's store with the chair outside of the fitting room, where Rodney could sit and wait for John to step out and model a little, while he kept Alex on a short leash. It was a shame Jeannie had vetoed his proposal to put Alex on an actual leash. "Everything you've tried on looks disgustingly good, if that was what you were looking for?"

"You know me," John said. "That's what it was all about." He looked sardonic. They had several bags full now. "What else should I get?"

"Well, you have shoes, pants, shirts, underwear... you need a wristband and a haircut. But I sort of like your way past regulations style." Alex tried to do a handstand on the arm of the chair Rodney was sitting on.

"Presents! Need to get presents!" Alex pointed out. "That's what you said."

"He has a point," John agreed. "I ought to get something for all of you."

"No, John. You came back. That's plenty of gifts and we weren't expecting you, so..." John was already turning back towards the dressing room, and hell. They could just scan the tags of what he was wearing at the checkout and call it a day right there, no changing back into Kaleb's ill-fitting clothes.

"McKay..." The tone was so familiar, so much John it nearly took his breath away but whatever reaction he had was short circuited by Alex piping up "Yes?" and John nearly choking on a strange rusty sounding laugh.

It caught Rodney by surprise, too and he grinned as he stood up. "Look, we'll wander the mall for a little while, if that's what you want. And pay for that. We can hit the food court, get ice cream..."

"I just want to get something. I know I don't have to but, I want to," John said. "Alex can help. And yeah the food court sounds good."

"I want to help!" Alex hopped up and down, swapping legs, while Rodney picked up a handful of bags and reached for Alex's hand with his other hand.

"Oh yeah, we're in for it now. Alex will find little fiddly things no matter what store you go into."

"Great. I love that stuff," John answered, picking up bags and moving with a limp towards the checkout.

The weird thing was, shopping with John and Alex was like having two kids. They both got excited about the same toys, said wow and cool about the same things and had a disturbing tendency to agree on things that went fast, blew things up and generally shiny things. It meant the shopping part went easily, it was in the food court John started to look wild around the eyes.

Too many people, was Rodney's first assumption, or too many choices. He started to herd Alex and John back towards the back of the court, where he could set up 'camp' and get John to some clear air.

John was looking shaky, pale and he was flinching at sudden loud noises near to them but still, stupidly, stupidly he was insisting he was 'fine'.

"I'm okay," John insisted again. "No big deal."

"No big deal, sure, right. Here, you sit here with Alex." He walked them closer to the potted plants, and decided that that was as good a place as any to put bags down in a chair and leave John and Alex. "And I'll get the ice-cream."

"Alex and I are just fine," John said. "Just my leg hurting a bit."

It wasn't. Rodney knew panic attacks when he saw one and John had that look. A tinge of blue to his lips, sheen of sweat on pale skin.

He knew that feeling because he'd had it himself, but as much of a tiny adult Alex was sometimes, he'd also begged for silly putty when they'd been in the store and a puzzle. He couldn't talk about panic attacks in front of Alex. "What kind do you--"

"Chocolate! And fruit! And sprinkles?"

"Make that two," John added. "And syrup. Lots of syrup." He coughed a little, probably because his throat felt tight.

"You need to make a list of things you want to see and do that you've missed," Rodney caught himself suggesting as he fished into his pocket. "I'll be back."

"Okay," John said. He'd be okay, he'd been through pretty bad stuff. Turning into a bug, flying nuclear bombs, all of that stuff and he'd just kept moving. Rodney really wanted to get him alone, ask him things that would bring back his John. There were glimmers and glints there under the surface.

But it was all under the surface, tucked away safely where John probably thought no-one could get to it. But he was interacting with Alex smoothly, so relaxed. Maybe telling him in that blurt had been a bad idea, but at least there hadn't been any more lost time that a careful workup would take.

By the time he got back, John was still pale but he and Alex were fiddling with a toy puzzle. "Huh, so which way now?" John was asking.

It was strange but John was good with kids. Surprisingly good. Or maybe he was just good with Alex but there was an ease of communication there.

It seemed effortless and it made Rodney smile as he edged in closer to them, completely unnoticed.

"Left," Alex directed, leaning in towards John. "Then up. Then, I think -- oh! Dad!"

"Hey," John said looking at him, waving just a little with a hand he could see was trembling. "We've nearly solved the puzzle we are giving to Kaleb."

He was definitely going to have to get Carson to look John over again.

"If it takes two of you, then Kaleb's going to be at it a while." Rodney pulled out the chair on John's other side, sliding heaped up wide paper cups of ice-cream at both of them.

"That's the idea. Apparently Alex is going to help me wrap them all up for you," John said even as he took a spoon and hesitated before trying a spoon of the gooey encrusted ice-cream. "You get one for yourself or are you going to help me out?"

"Oh, uh." Shit, he'd been distracted thinking about and looking over his shoulder at them. "Slipped my mind."

"Help me out here then. Not sure I can take too much at once anyway," John said. "Besides, it’ll be like old times."

"What's like old times?" Alex chirped up.

"Your dad stealing my desserts," John answered.

"I used to thieve his jello," Rodney agreed, offering John the spoon first. "I used to thieve a lot of your food."

"Carson tells me off when I do that!" Alex complained.

"He used to tell your dad off too," John said. "But I used to get extra helpings knowing he'd steal some."

"Which makes it not really thieving," Rodney offered, watching John take a taste first.

"In a manner of speaking," John replied with a smile. The look on his face was close to orgasmic as he took a mouthful. "This is pretty good."

"Dad? Do you get things knowing I'll get some too?" Alex asked as he took a mouthful.

"Usually, yes. If it's good and something you'd eat. Like... breadsticks," Rodney offered, watching them both. John's face was too blissful, too long-deprived of enjoyable things.

John groaned a little. "You realize you have doomed yourself to years of him stealing food from you," he warned.

"Is not stealing , Dad said so," Alex replied licking his spoon.

"This is not an excuse to stand in the pantry and snack randomly out of bags, Alex." He cleared his throat a little, hinting that he knew what Alex did when he needed a snack, trying to hide it.

"Aw...." Alex whined a bit but he couldn't complain with an ice-cream in front of him.

"Here, have some," John encouraged.

The spoon was coming towards him and Rodney caught himself smiling as he opened his mouth a little. "Did I get it coated in enough syrup?"

"I'm not sure I actually found any ice-cream yet under the toppings," John said giving him the spoonful and then looking a bit awkward about the gesture.

"I like the toffee flavors," Alex contributed, already getting messy. "Auntie Jeannie says you only feed me on unhealthy food and we should be vegetarian too."

"Pffft. We get lots of healthy food. Carson makes sure of that," Rodney smiled as he got a little of the ice-cream for himself, all of it into his mouth before he tried to clean the spoon to hand back to John.

John gestured for him to have more. "I can imagine."

"We have broccoli!" Alex announced as if it was something to be proud of. "We put it in a cheese sauce and it tastes good. Jeannie says we can have that with Christmas dinner. Dad says she has to do a turkey for us."

It made Rodney want to wilt. "Not that I'm holding her at shotgun point, but she's more likely to cave now that you're here. Oh! If you want something else with dinner, I can call and tell her..."

"Something else?" John looked at him. "I thought this was dinner?" He looked a bit stunned.

"Noo, it's a treat," Alex said still digging in. "Dinner later."

"Right, okay," John was looking at him directly then and it was like he could see how lost he was. It was only his second day back and Rodney guessed there were five years of habits to deal with.

"Alex behaves when we shop and he gets a treat," Rodney shrugged as he explained it sotto voce. "And usually by the time we're done with whatever we came out for, we're all cranky and pissed off and need the sugar."

John nodded as if remembering this. "Not used to the whole lots of food thing," he said. "That's going to take a while to come back."

Of course, they had been out there with no MREs, no nothing. He'd gone a bit junk food mad when he'd got back as well so it would be even worse for John.

"I always behave," Alex said making considerable in roads into his treat.

Rodney handed the spoon mindfully back to John. "Usually, you do. You'll get used to it, eventually," Rodney encouraged. "When I got back, I went on a binge about three weeks after we came home."

John had some more but he didn't look inclined to binge. He just savored the taste with a concentration that was almost embarrassing.

"It's snowing,” Alex announced, pointing dramatically at people walking through the mall with fresh snow still clinging to their coats. Those were the moment that always gave Rodney a glow. Alex could just pursue logical conclusions like that easily.

At four. he could also talk coherently and go on and on about math, but it was times like that, the little proofs of abstract understanding that made Rodney's heart warm. "Must be snowing hard if they still have it on them. Or they parked waaay out in the parking lot."

"If it’s snowing hard, we better not hang out for too long," John said. "Don't want to get cut off from the--"

He cut himself off and Rodney knew that John had been about to say 'from the Stargate'. He watched John eat some more to cover his near gaffe and wondered if that had happened. Five years, that was a 'long' time and in Pegasus drama could happen every day.

Every damn day, five years, 365 Earth days in an Earth year, so that was the possibility for a minimum of thousand, eight hundred and twenty five unique dramas, and probably more. "You're not going to be cut off from anything."

"I know," John said after another mouthful, pushing the dessert over to him. "Sorry, I don't think I'm used to the rich food."

"I'll eat it!" Alex offered.

"I guess it was a good thing that I only got two," Rodney mused, leaning back in his chair a little. "If I bring you home all strung out on sugar, Alex, Carson won't forgive me."

"So I'm seeing a trend here. Carson keeps the pair of you in line huh?" John commented.

"He tells Dad what he should do," Alex said. "But Dad doesn't listen that often."

"When was the last time that I didn't listen to him, hmn?" Rodney ate a spoonful of goo over chocolate ice-cream.

"Alla time," Alex gestured with his spoon and a glob of ice-cream went flying onto John's face. "Oops!"

John wiped it off. "That's okay. Didn’t hit anything important."

Rodney reached for a wad of napkins to try to wipe at John's face. "This is why sugar and you are a bad combination."

John smiled a little at him but he did look a bit uncomfortable and genuinely nauseous and had that feel to him which Rodney remembered as being 'I need out now, but I've got to be polite'.

"Aw, Dad..." Alex complained. "I wanna play ‘n the snow. Maybe we'll get snowed in the car!"

"No, no, don't say that..." Rodney waved a hand slightly as he stood up. "In fact, we could go home now to avoid most of the snow. John?"

"Yeah, yeah that would be good." John answered, pushing himself up very unsteadily. "If... if you're both done as well?"

"We're done," Rodney said decisively, sliding his extra ice-cream into Alex's bowl and then tipping the first bowl upside down over Alex's. "There we go, a sealed ticking time bomb of sugar for you, Alex. We'll put it in the freezer when we get home and you and Maddie can polish it off later."

Alex brightened at that thought and there was no trouble getting him to get up, run around - that bit was Alex's contribution - and get back to the car.

John on the other hand was walking like an old man as they braved the mall again to get to the car. Initially it was hidden by the bags he was carrying but he definitely looked like he was gritting his teeth as they got in the car.

He finally gave up, reached for John with a hand on his arm. "Are you all right? Because you don't look all right."

"Too damn rich," John gritted out. "Stomach cramps. I'm f- I'm... really stupid. Should've known. I just want to lie down and let it pass."

That was it. Rodney made sure John was buckled in, made sure that Alex was still safely seat belted in, and he turned the car on fast and backed out. "We're taking you home and you don't have to do the silent stoic thing, John, it's really not a good idea.”

"What's wrong with John?" Alex chirped up.

"I'm fine," John said automatically, hand pressing to his side as if that would help. "Cramps. Ever eaten too much or something... too rich, Alex?"

"It's a stomach ache," Rodney said quietly, peeling his way out of the parking lot. "John needs to rest and lay down."

"Oh. I had a stomach ache once. Dad says I was too young to remember it but I do remember.," Alex started on one of his rambling tales that took in the scenic sights of his life to date including the time they had Lost Monticore and that the tiger could cure a stomach ache and if he couldn't then Carson could because he did all of that and he brought his dad chicken soup when they were ill which was not like normal chicken soup and there was bread and...

And John just answered with encouraging sounds and monosyllables.

He was trying and Rodney appreciated that, but he didn't have to try. He didn't have to and it hurt Rodney to see John faking it so badly just to keep Alex from being concerned. "Carson can make John some of that special chicken soup," Rodney assured, pulling into the parallel parking space in front of Jeannie's house.

"I'll go tell them!" Alex said wriggling a bit.

"Yeah, okay," John said, swallowing even as he tried getting out of the car the moment they stopped. "I think I'm gonna camp in the bathroom a while," he warned.

“Upstairs bathroom is better for it," Rodney declared, turning the car off before he twisted around to pop open Alex's seatbelt. "Here, go run in the house and get Carson."

"Okay!" He was off like a blur into the house, powered by sugar and John visibly wilted.

"Hey you remember the… Planet of the Not-actually-strawberries, no matter how much they taste like them?" John said. "This is... a bit like that."

"You'll need the chicken soup afterwards," Rodney decided and if John said anything else for a moment, Rodney missed it because he turned the car off and got out of the driver's seat, moving around to the passenger side.

"Yeah well, I'm pretty pissed that there's all this food and I want it but..." He nearly staggered and clutched hold of Rodney. "Shit." The front door slammed and Carson was hurrying out to them without a coat on and with his boots half wedged on.

"Alex said John is ill? Bloody hell, John, if you fell over in the snow we wouldn't find you, you're that pale," Carson said.

"Stomach pains. Probably rich food," John said tersely.

"There was ice-cream," Rodney explained as he started to help John hobble into the house. "And people and stress, and I'm sorry, John, I shouldn't have just dragged you out like that."

"I wanted to go," John said. "Should be able to deal."

Carson was on his other side. "John, I think it's pretty obvious your body has been under terrible stress for a long period of time. I would be very surprised if you didn't have some form of Combat Stress disorder."

"Whatever it is, it sucks," John said succinctly.

"It does suck," Rodney agreed as he bumped the front door open with his free arm. "But that doesn't make it any less existent."

"Or less serious," Carson said as they pushed inside. "Up the stairs and I'll see what I've got to help you out. You probably need a lie down as well."

John wasn't fighting that suggestion either.

At least he and Carson knew how to carry a semi dead-weight body up stairs. They did it carefully, barely having to pause, because the sooner John was somewhere that he could be sick in private, the better.

They barely made it to the bathroom before John practically lunged for the toilet and started retching. Carson steadied him and looked at Rodney. "Can you get my bag, love? I've got a few things in it?"

"Sure." He was pretty sure Alex was going to follow them, unless Jeannie had pre-empted that by grabbing him by the arm. He wasn't even sure Jeannie was home yet and how was that for analytical thinking? "Alex?"

Sure enough, their curious nearly five year old was in the hall outside, looking anxious. "Is John okay?" he answered in a small voice. "Did I make him sick?"

Rodney grabbed up Carson's bag. "No, you didn't make him sick. He came here sick and we're all going to try to make him better. Can you wait out here while I get Carson his bag?"

"Can I help?" Alex asked. "I can get the bag?"

"You're going to help me unload the car real quick, so no-one steals it." Rodney tried to sooth, before he turned to head back to the bathroom.

"Okay," Alex answered a little subdued, following them.

It was probably very scary for Alex, but Rodney could still hear John retching when he walked back in, holding the bag out for Carson. "Alex and I are going to empty the car and lock everything up. I'll be back in a few."

"We'll be fine here," Carson replied taking the bag. "Take your time and ask if Jeannie if she has any spare hot water bottles or warmers? They'll help."

"There’s one under the sink cupboard," Rodney said aloud, leaning in for a moment to put a hand on the back of John's shoulders for a moment.

He could feel it when John tried to answer and threw up instead.

"If you could get that for me that would be great," Carson asked.

"Yeah, right. Right." He pulled away after one last lingering pet against John's back, and headed into the hallway again to see the wounded look on Alex's face.

"Carson will make him better?" he asked hopefully. "He said he wasn't well but..." He literally ran and clung to Rodney. "Dad, make John be okay!"

"Uhmph, right." Rodney knelt down and scooped Alex up to hold him tight against his hip. He wasn't sure where the worried sensitive side of Alex came from, but Carson nurtured it, and Rodney worked hard to not stamp it down the way his own parents had, the way that John's parents had done to John, crushing down his impulses. "You're coming with me. It's just a bad stomach-ache, Alex. He’s going to be all right. We're just getting your Aunt Jeannie's hot water bottle."

“Will that help?" Alex remained clingy. “Will that make him better?"

"It might take some time. He might have... a lot of stomach aches," Rodney advised as he started to tromp down the stairs. He was off balance, Alex balanced carefully on one hip with his other hand on the stair railing.

He was worried himself, but for Alex he could pull himself together. They still didn't know what John had been through or how bad it was going to be, but he was sure that Carson would fix it given time, for all his voodoo science.

That was what Carson did. That was what he did. It was Carson's best skill, fixing them all.

* * *

It could be night or day, John wasn't sure. He kept waking up but not properly. One time he'd woken practically flailing and to his surprise he'd been steadied by Carson's soft words and strong arms until he slept again.

This time he woke and his stomach muscles were sore but he had finally kept something down and he felt like he was at least a little awake.

He'd had a good day and change of high activity, and then he'd just crashed and probably lost a day or two to being sick with Rodney and Carson in turns just being there, trying to do whatever it seemed like he needed.

The really annoying thing was that he wasn't fighting anymore, he wasn't scrabbling for food to be shared out through a settlement. He could relax and eat what he wanted and he'd enjoyed it right up to the stomach pains. And out with so many people had been a strange ordeal because he could feel himself looking for danger, threats, all of it, every moment. What really worried him was the strange sensation that he was twisted up as tight as he could get with regard to fighting. One more pressure and he didn't know what the hell would happen.

But there wasn't one more pressure. There wasn't any pressure at all and Rodney was the one leaning into the room just then, voice quiet when he said, "Hey. You okay."

"Hey." John shifted up focused and dislodged a cooled down hot water bottle. "Yeah, not so bad now," he admitted.

"It's still early," Rodney murmured. "Five AM early. It's also Christmas Eve, which somehow means that Alex is downstairs on the sofa with Carson watching DVDs of Muppets to keep him from running around."

"And you're in here?" John said. "There should be sleeping?" He turned to peer at Rodney.

"I'm here because I had a foot in my kidney because Gonzo's chickens are *that* funny, and I think that brain damaged sense of humor is all your fault," Rodney stepped into the room, closing the door behind him.

"Cm'here," John answered, wanting someone close. He wondered if Rodney knew how Carson had laid behind him and held onto him.

Rodney moved slowly, kneeling down onto the bed then stretching out beside him. "I missed you."

"Yeah. Kinda missed you guys," John said. Ridiculously missed him. Them. Everyone. He grimaced a little. "Didn't think I was coming back."

"I thought you were dead. We're lucky I didn't name Alex, John." He shifted, slipped his arms around John in an uneasy, wary way.

"You hardly ever called me John," John said. "He's… he's a great kid."

And he couldn't believe he was his father. He wanted to be his father, but he didn't know how. "He is. He's half your genetics and he likes you a lot, and I really want this to work, John..." Rodney stayed close, wasn't really moving.

"So do I." John admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "But I’m having problems making things feel real. Feels weird."

"You'll feel real eventually. The disconnect. Carson says that's a symptom." Rodney moved and his arms flexed. Still strong and maybe Rodney was manlier than he'd been when John had last seen him, which was kind of funny for the back of John's mind. That Rodney was so clearly male and that he'd carried a child, kept a pregnancy, when Rodney had gone on and on about his sister and Madison.

"World's moved on without me," John murmured and reached for Rodney without thinking. "I keep thinking of everything I've missed, all the things no one knows about. And the way I didn't belong there without you. I just couldn't. "

"It doesn't mean that you can't move on with us. I want to..." Rodney's voice was pitched so low, so quiet. "What can I do to help you?"

"Help me remember who I am," John said, not sure of what he was asking exactly. "Talk to me like we used to, give me something to hang on to."

He hated being alone, hated the isolation that hollowed him out and here he felt at once surrounded and lonely because he was a stranger.

"We never exactly laid together in bed, hugging," Rodney pointed out. "If I'd known what your taste in pajamas was then, I would have mocked you for it."

“C'mon, we slept in the same tent plenty of times. And the puddlejumper. And a few caves," John answered. "And...up a tree I think. Besides, I was wearing your equation pajamas. Difficult for you to complain, even if the equations don't solve."

"I kept catching myself trying to solve them at 3 am when I couldn't sleep. They're from Carson's mum." Rodney exhaled, and John could feel his closeness and warmth, breath hot against John's skin. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Don't know," John admitted. "Not sure where to start."

He really didn't know what would make things click again. "I'm not good at this. Ask me something. I just want to hear your voice."

"How did you get the city back, John?" and it wasn't a de-briefing voice, it was tinged with awe and real curiosity.

"Took us all that time to figure an anti-Replicator weapon. Todd the Wraith worked it out after I went and got him a dormant sample in popsicle Niam," John said. "He... well he coded it into me so it would work through the ATA interaction with technology. I flew the Sweetheart there, punched through the shield and crashed in the gate room and Oberon stuck his hand in my head and the whole damn lot disintegrated."

"That's..." Rodney's fingers moved on John's stomach, idle. "That's so disgustingly easy sounding? We're still struggling with the Ori, and Carson saved the Asgard, but you saved the whole of Pegasus. Are all the Wraith gone?"

He huffed a near laugh. "Yeah sounds easy." But it was anything but easy, any of it. "There was, there was a big showdown between the Wraith and the Replicators and everyone else pitching in. I took our fleet there and extended the cloak around them from Atlantis. Wraith were nearly wiped out and at the end, and I was going to finish the war by crashing on Asuras, let them take me but Ford did it. Ford did it so I would come home."

His voice went inexplicably tight and rough and he could *hear* Ford’s last words as clearly as if he was standing there saying them.

"You found Ford." Rodney exhaled hard then. "Jesus, you found Ford. I'm sorry. You just under-state everything. You did that when we were there in the city on the expedition."

"I, I found him, yeah," John closed his eyes for a moment. "I don't know how else to explain things. He was a sonuvabitch to get off of the enzyme. He was the one who had found the Sweetheart, though. That really turned things around for us because we had the ZPM from the cloning factory to power her."

"There was a cloning factory." Rodney repeated that and then added, "See, now I feel out of the loop. You ran solo missions for five years, didn’t you?"

He had to think. "Uh, not quite that long," he admitted. "I was with the Wraith for a few months after the Replicators took Atlantis. Then we had to find a puddlejumper and I had to fix it. Then we found Niam, took him to the Wraith, started forming a real alliance, running ops with the Genii and others. One of those was the cloning factory and that's where we bumped into Ford. Then we found the Sweetheart. Guess I didn't start flying her…"

He did a mental calculation and surprised himself. "Maybe three years?"

"You ran solo missions for three years and you wonder why you're a mess. Do you remember how tense and messed up we all were after a week of the go go go? I remember."

John shrugged a little. He did remember, all too well. "Teyla and Ronon got pretty pissed with me," he said, his hand finding contact with Rodney. "The Sweetheart, she tries to help you out when you're in there, like the biofeedback on the command chair? But once you're out..."

It was like slitting his wrists and letting energy bleed out in a gush.

"It all fell apart again." Rodney's hand was hesitant for a moment, but he clutched back at John's fingers. "You don't have to do that anymore."

"I know, it's just..." John gripped those fingers back. "Habit I guess."

He'd spent a lot of time thinking what he might say if he got the chance, and here he was blowing it or finding it was superseded with other circumstances.

"Problem is, I don't know what else to do," he said.

"Take some time off. Go academic for a while? Or go back to the SGC," Rodney suggested quietly. "Or take some time off and then go to the SGC."

"Yeah well, right now I can't even manage a shopping trip," John replied with disgust at himself. "And all my workings have been on the fast and loose side of getting something done. It ... it always took me a long time to do something I knew you would've done in minutes."

"Because I'm a scientist. You're not. The fact that you did any of this, it's amazing, John. You *did* these things you were never trained for."

"Ronon would laugh at me when I'd tell him to stop interrupting so I could get something done," John said with a smile. "Hey, I got something out of Kolya in the end. Managed to not kill the bastard and got a hyperspace control crystal for the jumper out of it."

He didn't really expect for Rodney to go stiff and still beside him. "Huh."

Shit. Shit, he'd not remembered. Kolya had raped Rodney and that was ten times worse than torture by Wraith. Five years and he’d managed to finally push that out of his conscious thoughts.

"Damn, Rodney, shit, sorry. I wasn't thinking..."

It was a hell of a time to finally push that out of his conscious awareness. "Just, just keep talking, it's okay. I haven't thought about him in a while."

"I didn't want to work with him but it was the only way to bring in all the Genii and their allies," John said. "Which was a pretty big federation. Apparently though, Teyla was technically in charge, and don't tell Elizabeth this, but there were times when she completely outclassed her. People were willing to sign up because *I* had no private agenda for my world or whatever," John explained. "Just getting rid of the Replicators and the Wraith, even if they were leery about Todd."

"Todd is...?" Ah, there were pieces to fill in about what had happened, but Rodney was still stiff, anxious feeling.

"Uh, the Wraith we escaped with?” John said. "I called him Todd. He uh, turns out Wraith can push life back into people as well as suck it. He did that after I got shot, but the bullets were still in there so they had to get them out... the Wraith worshippers. Kept me high on drugs for nearly a month or more. He'd gone off looking for his Hive and left me there."

"And you couldn't get to the gate." If he had, they would have opened the gate for him, probably with a ring of Marines at the ready.

"Strictly controlled gate access. Todd came back and took me with him as his _lhamorata_ ," John grimaced a little. "A Wraith version of a pet. It was appearance only but sometimes playing the part took things close to the edge."

"How long did that go on for?” Rodney’s fingers moved a little, shifting and then squeezing John's hand again.

“Not sure. Until two of Todd's rivals decided to try and torture information out of me." John nearly twitched at the memory. He hadn't told Teyla or Ronon the details of that and he wasn't going to go over it now. "Then Todd said he was going to have to let me go to protect me. He gave me supplies and set me loose."

"And then you found Teyla and Ronon?" Eventually, yeah. Maybe sometime he could tell Rodney about the torture. "You realize you're shortening years of events into a few sentences."

"Pretty much," John shrugged. The immediacy of worrying about where the next meal was coming from, recovering from this or that or anything else, dealing with people, retraining himself to actually *think* and remember the things Rodney talked about. That had been a daily struggle. "Hey, you know what? Ford used to tell them stories about you. There's a whole generation of Pegasus kids growing up with the heroic stories of McKay, Sheppard, Teyla and Ronon."

"Huh, a whole new mythology. Jackson will have a field day with that." Rodney shifted, knee pressing against the back of John's knee. That was comfortable.

"It was pretty weird,” John admitted. "They'd all be talking about Sheppard and I'd be there thinking, hey, technically that's me. But it didn't feel like me. They never connected it with the guy they jumped all over."

"This is where I should make a joke about your less than impressive looks," Rodney laughed a little and then muffled a yawn. "Do you feel up to coming downstairs and doing not much of anything today?"

"Yeah, I've stopped cramping. Even managed to keep down the toast," John answered. "I can watch DVD's with the best of them."

He paused a moment. "I'm not good at this Rodney, never have been. But, I thought about you pretty much continuously for five years. I didn't even know what I wanted until I didn't have it. I'd leave... I'd leave everything for a shot at it. At you."

"This isn't... it's complicated. Do you think that *I'm* any good at this? And I love Carson. He kept me together. He still does."

"I know." He did know, and he could see it. Rodney was an infinite amount more together, less strung out, more content with Carson. "He's good for you. He's better than I could ever be for you, I can see that. That wasn't something I thought about. And he's being so damn good to me I. shit, Rodney, no one could hate Carson. No one should."

"When you came back? I mean, we'd just carted you up here and fed you, and he pulled me into the bathroom to ask if I wanted him to leave now. Which is stupid, but... I mean, we had, have plans. Sort of. Did I mention this is complicated and that I find relationships ten thousand times more exhausting than fixing programs?"

"Jesus, no, Carson shouldn't think that," John said wide eyed. No, that wasn't what he intended at all. "Relationships are tricky, I'm not good at them. In fact, it says something that I have to be on the verge of some sort've breakdown to talk about them this much."

"You probably are on the verge of some breakdown. We all need therapy. I hope a sort of quiet domestic life isn't going to bother you. Sure, work is still, well, it's still the SGC. It’s all verge of the moment life or death work, always has been, but at the end of the day, coming home to a home, it makes a huge difference."

"We used to have that," John answered. "In Atlantis." He exhaled. "You sure you want me cluttering up your life? I can find an apartment near you and do it that way?"

"We have room." Rodney's fingers shifted again, a restless motion. "So, uh. Apparently you're not bothered by the idea of being with men, huh?"

"Uh." That's right, that hadn't really come up before they left. "No?" he said trying to sound innocent.

"And the fact that I'm, uh..." Rodney's fingers shifted. Somehow, conversations like that *were* easier when it was too dark in the room to see the other person's face.

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't surprised," John replied. "But hey, you're the one who pointed out the sex with a glowing squid Ancient. And some of the allies were pretty free and easy with sex. Not that I got to have much of a go."

"It's taken me a while to get comfortable with it myself," Rodney shrugged. "Just, I needed to check."

"Technically lhamorata have sex with their Wraith masters," John said blandly, even if they hadn't gone *that* far. That he really recalled. "So gay and interspecies. If I could deal with that prospect. Rodney, I'm pretty open minded about stuff like that."

"How do... Wraith actually do that, because I don't think we ever had the time to work that part out." It was a random curious question, but less into touchy territory.

"They have… bits. And erogenous zones on their hands - feeding hands," John replied. He had done a bit of that in public as it was half expected. "They have a lot of mindsex and uh yeah, the Queen thing is really weird. It's like the Hive ship or outpost is an extension of her? And she can reproduce and then deposit the equivalent of Wraith larvae into cocoons to grow. "

"That's disgustingly like something the Goa'uld would do," Rodney murmured. "Bits. That just figures, the whole feeding hand as sex organ, that just... figures." There was motion, leg on leg, while Rodney stretched sleepily. "We could go downstairs and do bland, but home-made food.”

"That sounds good," John murmured. "Christmas Eve. I've gotta wrap presents." He didn't let go of Rodney though.

“Not at 6 am, you don't." They weren't really moving, not yet, but there was the suggestion of it. That they should, probably.

John shifted a little, up onto his side. "Rodney?" he murmured just for a moment want this all to himself. Just for a moment.

"Mmm?" Rodney half-heartedly half-sat up.

"Think I need some motivation here," he said leaning close, wanting to kiss, wanting just that one hoped for thing in the comparative quiet.

He could hear Rodney exhale and Rodney leaned up, leaned into him, a hand reaching for his shoulder. "I might be able to."

Just one kiss, just one to know if there was something worth trying for. A kiss, a touch of lips to lips and at first he felt nothing but warmth. But then, there it was, a reaction, a feeling burning like fire. He wanted to do it more often, wanted to feel Rodney's hand on the back of his neck again, wanted to feel Rodney rolling him onto his back more than just that once.

It was a goal when he felt he had nothing to aim for, a need and want of his own, not for duty or redemption or anything else. It was a kiss of five years and a whole lot of blood, sweat and what should've been tears if he hadn't been too emotionally repressed for that, in the making. Yes, he was desperate and needy and that wasn't who he wanted to be but right now, that was the John Sheppard who was allowed to kiss Rodney, so he was going for it.

Rodney pulled back, breathing unsteadily, hand sliding down to the back of John's shoulders. "That's been a long time in the waiting."

"Yeah," John closed his eyes. "Yeah. Sorry for waiting this long. Guess that answers a lot of questions."

It meant he had reasons to try, to push through the barriers ahead of him. A reality that could outstrip a fantasy.

It could be good, just the sex, just the kisses, it could be so good, John knew that, and he wanted more of it. Rodney quirked a smile and laid back on the bed for a moment, smiling. "What questions?"

Possibly answering what he had to live for might put a downer on the moment so instead John said. "Always thought with all that talking what you could do with that mouth had to be worth waiting for." And then he smirked just a little for the first time in a long time. "Let’s go see if Carson has survived the movie."

"If we'll survive it," Rodney said as he started to sit up. "It's a pretty long DVD. Also, Muppets."

"You ever think Ronon reminded you of that one that played the drums?" John pushed up and managed to get to his feet and had forgotten the stiff leg. Ronon would’ve loved that, after he was done punching John in the shoulder for saying it in the first place. "Give me a hand here, Rodney.”

"Just a little," Rodney agreed as he reached his hand out to pull John in closer, up to standing. "What do you want for breakfast?"

"I know what I want but, I better ask Carson what I can deal with," John answered, grabbing for a robe. "Don't want to be laid up for Christmas as well."

"Well, what do you want?" Rodney levered himself up standing and comfortable, pulling his sweatpants up at the back. "There might be a way to do it so you won’t get sick."

“Waffles," John grinned. "Pretty sure they'll be on the forbidden list for now. I'll settle for some weak coffee and toast. I can deal with toast."

It was amazing how much his mood had lifted just like that. One kiss and suddenly he was looking around for a future.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

It was pretty clear that when Jeannie, Caleb, Madison and Alex went outside with John, Rodney and Carson were left to make sure that 'Santa' had well wrapped gifts, which put them in the upstairs bedroom that he and Carson weren't sharing. They were sharing it, but they weren't, John had it and he and Carson were sleeping downstairs, and that had been uncomfortable because they'd started to have sleep-sex, sort of, that lazy early morning sort of thing that was good right up until they realized they were on Jeannie's sofa.

That put a bit of a crimp in things, especially the thought that Madison or Alex might sneak down because of Christmas, which knowing the spawn of the McKays was almost a certainty. Instead, Carson had opted for holding him and stroking him under the borrowed duvet.

Which was nice, except for the whole sleepy hot and bothered thing, and then he'd gone upstairs and lay with John for a while, and it was all… disconcerting, Rodney decided as he reached for the tape dispenser. Madison was getting Barbie and GI Joe, and a really nice colored pencil set, all wrapped in penguin wrap.

"Here's the label for that one," Carson said as he finished writing it out. "John seemed a lot brighter this evening," he commented, using what Rodney always considered to be his 'putting it out there' tone.

Caught. He was caught, so fucking caught, and there was nothing to even feel caught about. Torn, yeah, sure, but he hadn't hardly done anything. "Mmm. He wasn't queasy all day, which had to be a change."

"Aye, stomach problems are common with Combat stress, plus the fact he most likely hasn't had processed rich food for a long time,” Carson added. "Did you manage to talk to him at all?"

"For a while this morning. From where I went upstairs to when we came down." Rodney tried to press a crease in the paper. "Not really about much of anything. Just that... well, he likes Alex, which is good."

"And Alex has taken to him," Carson answered and paused a moment. "Rodney." He touched his arm to get his attention. "You're doing that thing where you don't want me to know about something but you want to talk about it. What is it?"

"I'm that obvious, aren't I?" Rodney held still under that touch. "John kissed me this morning. This is all more complicated than I'm used to having to navigate."

Carson didn't remove his hand. "A kiss? Well surely that's something you've been waiting for?"

He didn't appear to sound stressed by it, which was a turn around on Carson's initial reaction. Yes, but no. Rodney turned in towards Carson, trying to gauge his reaction by his facial expression. "Carson, that's, that's immaterial, I, I don't know what to do, I have you."

"Yes you do," Carson replied firmly. "And that isn't going to change. You gave me your word that you will love me no matter what, and it occurred to me that I had the choice of believing in you, or doubting you. And truth is Rodney, I find believing in you a lot easier. So don't you fret about that side of things. What is it you don't know what to do?"

"Balance this, this..." They were supposed to be wrapping gifts, but if it was out there just then there was no point in not talking about it while it was out there. "I don't want to interrupt _our_ life, but how does that mesh with working John into it? I don't want to be making decisions for you."

Carson chuckled a little. "We're not against the clock, Rodney, we can take time over this. And I've noticed you being perfectly happy making decisions for me before."

How could Carson be so laid back about it all? "Listen, I’m not going to say it won't change things because it will," Carson added a little more seriously. "But I don't think we'll lose anything for it. Gain more if I'm right about it."

"Some days I wonder about you," Rodney murmured, leaning into Carson to just embrace him, just feel him close. "I, is it all right if we just carry on and fit John in somehow?"

"No," Carson said almost shockingly and then held up a hand to stem any outburst. "No, we won't just be wedging John in somewhere around us, love. To do this right, we will have to change as well." He smiled a little. "Believe me, a relationship of three is nowhere near as complex as the Asgard forms of marriage, the randy little buggers."

That could have been part of a worse reaction, but it still surprised Rodney a little. "So, uh... What now?"

"First, we help John recover," Carson said decisively. "I'll need to get some proper readings but the only reason he's not in the Infirmary right now is because firstly, he has his own CMO on call, and secondly, this is exactly the sort of environment he needs. But it's not going to be easy on him, or us. I was bad enough after four months or more, John has been fighting for 5 years. He needs strength, and he needs support and to not be alone."

"We won't leave him alone. I won't, and I don't think you will."

"No, I wouldn't do that. I do care for him a lot," Carson answered, returning to holding him. "I don't know if I can say that I love him in the way I love you as yet, but that's because there is five years we have had that he hasn’t."

He exhaled and pressed his forehead down against Carson's shoulder. "I can't imagine not having you with me. You nearly gave me a heart attack when you asked if you should leave."

Carson looked embarrassed. "Well, it seemed logical," he said in a soft voice. "I'm not the natural father. I knew you've always loved John and I definitely knew John felt for you so when he comes back from the dead wanting to take that step, coming to you first from over a galaxy away, I thought that was the way things were heading. I was trying to make it easy for you."

"That's the exact opposite of it." He pulled back a little, watching Carson's face again. "And I meant it. I want to have another child, with you. Alex is the right age, there wouldn't be too much of an age gap."

"You do realize it was somewhat of a statistical anomaly that you got pregnant in the first place?" Carson said. "Rodney, though I would love that, you don't have to worry that I will leave if it doesn't happen. I believe you and I'm going to stay. Someone has to keep the lot of you in line."

Rodney laughed as he stroked a hand at Carson's shoulder. "I know it's an anomaly, but can't we just stop using condoms and see what happens?"

"If that's what you want, love, then I would be delighted to be of assistance," Carson murmured.

"I also want help wrapping the Lego sets 'Santa' got Alex," Rodney threw in to hopefully lighten the mood a little. "If you’re giving me lee-way to be demanding."

"Now let’s not push your luck," Carson teased and kissed him softly. "It'll work, Rodney. I've seen you make anything work."

"Machinery, sure. People, I'm lucky that you're tolerant. And that you love me." He pulled at Carson, keeping him close for a moment.

"Terribly, terribly lucky," Carson said, smiling. "I think we need to clear out our spare room for John when we get home."

"Right, do you mean clear out clear out, or clear out and make it livable, too? Because we can finally put in the wood floor, too, if you want."

"Well that would be nice. Really it's full of rubbish and we should get rid of some of it, though the buggys should go into storage, just in case," Carson answered even as he turned to write another label. "At least John is easy to buy for."

"Bed, mattress, general life things," Rodney agreed as he started back into the act of wrapping. "So you're sure we're all right? What else do we need to..."

"We need to decide about Alex and school at some point," Carson said concentrating. "I still believe he needs to learn the socializing as much as anything."

"We have another 6 months before we have to tell the school board what we're doing. And... yeah, but Kindergarten, Carson, would bore him to tears. We've seen what happens if he gets bored. He'd unscrew all the legs on the desks and wait for them to collapse." Rodney started to wrap Alex's presents.

"True. We do have the other options of moving him up, or the SGC run school. The more I think about that, the more I think it might be useful. The offspring of most people at the SGC are likely to be on the bright side." Carson mused. "And there's a fair few now. People are procreating left, right and center, not to mention the occasional refugee."

"I think that might be better than a private school," Rodney agreed. A lot of diversity, a lot more understanding if something happened with him and Carson when they were at work.

"They don't have that many there and I think they will work with him one to one if necessary," Carson added. "My only reservation was that it wouldn't exactly be the normal sort of interaction but then Alex is never going to function at that level."

"I think he'd be happier with some kind of peer group. He loves Madison and she's brilliant, in different ways, but they can communicate. When you're at a school and you're smarter than the rest of them, you either have to fake stupid or suffer the consequences. And putting him with kids drastically older with him is _also_ not that good of an idea because I did that and it." Rodney reached for the tape. "I'd rather not inflict that on him."

"Aye, my school days were not the most pleasant either," Carson admitted. "For all my brothers and sisters looked out for me where they could."

It sometimes still surprised Rodney to think of Carson that way, having the same problems he had faced. It shouldn't have surprised him. Carson was intelligent, brilliant, and any child that _they_ had was no doubt going to have the same problems in school that Alex was going to face. That he and Carson and hell, John had faced. "Then the SGC facility is probably the best."

"See now, that wasn't so hard was it? Two major life decisions in under half an hour," Carson replied glancing at him as he sealed up another present. "We're good at this."

"You're the voice of reason," Rodney agreed. "Sometimes I worry that I'm mowing you over, but you've really subtly turned me towards your point of view."

"You should know when it is something really important I could even get Ronon to stay still. Or John. Or even Jack O'Neill," Carson answered with a smile. "I'm nearly done with my pile here. Need help?"

"Just that one." It was in a round box, and he was half-tempted to tie it off like a candy instead of actually wrapping it. "And then there are the presents to Jeannie and..."

* * *

It wasn't the sudden thought of Santa that had John awake in the middle of the night on Christmas. It was a restlessness born from nightmares that wouldn't let him sleep. He'd slept a great deal over the time he'd been here and that was now starting to prickle at him.

The longer he stared into the darkness of the room, the more acute the compulsion. He didn't know if they were safe. They couldn't be safe if he didn't know, because that meant no one had checked. It was like some massive internal argument that was driving him insane. He _knew_ he didn't have to be worried but, his instincts clamored.

Most of the time it was best to satisfy those instincts, so he stood up quietly, searching for clothes, shoes, anything to go outside and just... check. Just to push the itch down.

He wasn't as stealthy as he usually was, still a little clumsier than he liked and he really couldn't wait to get that back to normal. He missed doing his morning sparring or bantos katas. They calmed him, got him focused and even Teyla had been pleased with his progress.

He slipped out of his room, padded down the stairs, grabbing a coat so he could just slip outside.

Just for a second, just long enough to wander the perimeter of the house and assure him that the windows were secured, that there was no advancing risk despite that there wasn't a single person outside standing watch.

There had been five years worth of conditioning that someone needed to be on watch, that he needed to be able to defend himself, the home, the planet at a moment’s notice. When he was injured, he came close to fretting himself sick over it because what if it happened then? What chance would anyone stand if he couldn't get to the Sweetheart?

He was on Earth now, it shouldn't be necessary but as he stepped outside into the cold, sharp night air, with the glow of snow light transforming the area, he felt his senses shift to hyper alert.

Searching, looking, listening, different from the muffled responses he gave in the house, when he was surrounded by the kids and Jeannie and Rodney and Carson and Caleb in the snow. It was him and the darkness, and John knew what hid in the darkness.

His fingers itched for a weapon. He stepped, trying to soften the crunch sound of his feet on frozen snow as he walked the perimeter, slowly and carefully. Staring into the darkness was dangerous. It shifted and swirled to shadowy shapes that twitched at his adrenaline, even as he tested windows and looked for tracks instinctively.

There was nothing out there but his imagination. Not a sound, not a sight, no Wraith lurking back there and pondering on what kind of feeding ground the household would provide.

His breath billowed in the cold and he tried to let the restless feeling drain out of him. As his head cleared, it started to fill with all the god-awful mistakes he’d been making. Coming here direct to Rodney and bypassing the SGC -- how the hell they hadn't come to pack him off he didn't know. Finding out he was a father. Agreeing to stay with Rodney and Carson where he might fuck everything up for them. Talking, he'd actually talked and that wasn't him. He was out of control and saying things before his internal censor kicked in.

He scanned the area with his eyes, ears and then moved to return to the house.

In and out, assured that everything was all right. He didn't know what he was going to do about Rodney and Carson, or the talking, or any of it, even when the SGC came for him and they eventually would.

What was really bothering him was the fact his mind and body seemed to not really be talking to each other properly. His mind would be perfectly aware that everything was fine, but his body would want to react as if in enemy territory. Or when his mind panicked, his body would fold up and become useless to him. He turned to the door quietly, not wanting to wake Carson or Rodney.

"John!" The faint whisper almost startled the sanity out of him as Alex tottered down the stairs in too many pairs of socks.

"Alex?" John whirled a moment. "What are you doing out here? It's freezing!"

"I heard noises and wanted to see Santa. Did you see him?" He was clinging to the handrail a little, as if he was _aware_ that it was freezing out, but he was also peering up at the sky.

Shit. He didn't want to lie to Alex. There was just something in him that didn't like lying to kids. Possibly because so much of his own childhood had been false one way or another.

"I came out to check it was safe," John said. "But I think Santa's already been. C'mon, let’s get you inside. We can peek under the tree, see if he's been there."

"Okay." He looked crestfallen, but turned, still clinging to the handrail, to head into the house. Alex was probably all tense with anticipation and it couldn't have been much past 2 am. If that. He scooped the boy...no, not a boy but his _son_ inside and reached to pick him up almost without thinking. "Wow, you got cold quickly," he murmured. "Your Dad will not be impressed with me if you got a cold for Christmas."

"Gift that keeps on giving…" Alex grinned, pulling at John's jacket. "…is snot!"

John found himself chuckling and marveling at his son. "Okay, now our mission is to get in the living room, sneak to the tree, check to see if Santa has been and sneak out without being detected by your Dad. You think you can do that?"

"Yeah!" It was an excited little whisper, and it made John grin because Alex was squirming like a cat to get down faster than John could put him down himself.

"The trick is slow and steady," John said. "Keep to the shadows." He put Alex down and okay, maybe the middle of the night wasn’t the best time to play with his son, but if he knew Christmas night excitement, Alex wouldn't be going to sleep just yet. He pushed open the door and then dropped to the floor, gesturing for Alex to do the same.

"Shadows, uhm-huhm." He crawled down, low onto his stomach and grinned brilliantly at John before he started to scoot towards the tree.

John grinned at him, moving awkwardly because his leg, though a lot better, was still not completely functional especially at crawling. He glanced over at the tangled covers on the couch and wondered how the pair of them were actually managing to sleep together. But then on the other hand, if you slept on the beds in Atlantis you learned to sleep on narrow and small. Alex was scuttling ahead of him, and he caught up with him at the tree where there were piles of presents.

He could see the back of Rodney's head and someone's pajama-sleeve, but mostly it was the two of them bundled up and almost threatening to fall off of the sofa. John crept a little lower, while Alex peered through the boxes, carefully plucking at tags.

"Santa been?" he asked in a low whisper, remembering when he and Dave had lead numerous stealth missions down their stairs to find out if Santa delivered presents.

"Yesss!" It was a quiet hiss and damn if there wasn't a muffled sound from the sofa.

"Shh," John said. "We need to hide!" Alex was so excited and there was nothing like doing this sort of thing when you were young. He beckoned his son to him.

Alex squirmed in closer, crawling determinedly across his Aunt Jeannie's living room floor, ready to follow John.

John hesitated a moment and then unhooked two bits of tinsel from the tree and then gestured to the couch. It couldn't really be a proper raid if they didn't manage to do something like slip a halo on Rodney and Carson in their sleep. Smirking a little he tied the bits into two circlets and sneaked closer.

Alex seemed delighted to just follow, quiet muffled giggles as he edged closer, bumping against John's side. It should have been quick and easy, an in and out job.

They managed to get a halo on Rodney - partly because he was sticking out a little more, but Carson was proving more difficult and Alex was beside himself at the simple little prank they were performing. John could imagine that Rodney and Carson were probably not encouraging their son in that sort of thing.

Well, he was going to have to be the one to do it. Alex's muffled giggles were reaching a feverish point as he tossed the halo like a ring toss at Carson and then moved to skitter away.

The pair of them ran, very quietly, away and it seemed totally natural to scoop Alex up and steal away up the stairs with him. Of course now he'd managed to get him all hyped up so he couldn't exactly just dump him in his room and expect him to sleep, so instead he snuck them into his room.

"Good job," he said as they flopped on the bed, Alex's giggles infectious and impossible to resist. "A successful mission."

"Oh, oh, they're going to wake up like that and and..." Alex's smile was threatening to split his face as he hopped on the bed, arms waving like he was about to clap with glee. "And Santa came!"

"He did!" John agreed and tickled him a little. "Even better at being stealthy than we are." He smirked a little at the thought of Black Ops Santa and his mood was so much better for that bit of fun he almost felt normal. "So you are going to manage to be able to sleep?"

"Nope!" Oh, hell, that was an awfully perky sound from Alex, too awake and too cheery. "Everybody should be up now that Santa came."

"Well, have to say, your Auntie Jeannie might not be happy if we wake them up so how about you and I be the awake ones, huh?" John suggested. "We're a good team." Kate Heightmeyer would have a field day with that but team and family were equivalent in his head and he couldn't fight that.

"Yes." That was easy, childish agreement, but Alex was quick to move to the suitcase of Things His Parents Had Packed, from whence the stuffed tiger that was shoved under John's pillow had come, to pull out a book. "We can be awake and read?"

"If that's what you want, you've got books there right?" John asked, already decided that they would need to be in bed because they had been outside and if he was cold, Alex would be colder.

Not letting his son die of cold was a good idea, generally. "Lots," Alex agreed as he moved to crawl up onto the bed with his newly claimed book.

"Okay then. I'm pretty cold so..." He got under the covers and waited until Alex got in next to him. There had been a time where that wouldn't have come naturally, but taking his downtime in Teyla's Athosian longhouse meant kids tucking themselves into a protective adults bed was more common than not. And as he had no reason to warn them off through having a partner, he often ended up with a few wanting to be protected from nightmares.

And in Pegasus, the nightmares were so real, so alive and present in day to day life. They could slide through the gate with no warning but the tingle of Teyla's better senses and intuition. "Do you want to read this one with me?"

"Sure," John answered, tucking Alex in against his side and settling them so that the book could prop up in front of him. "So, let’s see what do we have?"

"We have the New Way Things Work," Alex grinned. "And Pinocchio, in the suitcase."

"I can guess your dad gave you the way things work and Carson gave you Pinocchio?" John asked even as he opened the book. "How are you on reading? I had a book I was trying to read for ages, but usually something interrupted me."

"I like reading, but it has to be..." Alex looked like he was pulling for words out of his head while he leaned in to see what page John was on. Lots of diagrams. "Interesting. Show me lots of things, give me lots of things to think. Uncle Caleb says I'm not allowed to argue about, uhm, fairy tales."

"You like to question them?" John asked. "You know, your dads have seen things that make fairy tales look sensible. Sometimes, I've got to admit I'd sit there and think people were stupid in fairy tales. Okay, let’s see what chapter we've got here. You looked at this one on flying?"

"Yes." It was a happy kind of yes, and Alex pointed to the first picture. "That's the Wright brothers."

"Flying is the best thing," John said. "I used to fly a lot of helicopters. A very clever guy came up with the idea for helicopters way before they did planes. Someone a bit like you, Alex."

"I like planes?" Alex offered, looking slyly at John. "But I also like buildings. I have a book on Pyramids at home, and they're _awesome_."

"More awesome than you could imagine," John said. "Mind you, weird ideas about putting hearts in jars and their gods had animal heads."

You didn't make it through being a part of the SGC without knowing Egyptian mythology.

"Dad says that the Egyptian gods were really bad people pretending to be gods. That happens a lot," he said, as if he did halfway understand it.

"More than you would think," John agreed. "Me, I'm not sure why anyone would want to be in charge of stuff. It means less time to do fun things and what you want to do."

It made him uncomfortable that right now in Pegasus, it was entirely possible he was being made into some sort of saint or god in his absence.

It was the last thing that he wanted to have happen and it was probably the most likely. Hopefully there'd be no altars or shrines made to him, no-one doing anything stupid in his name. Teyla and Ronon would keep things calm. Teyla was a _born_ leader. "Yeah. I like doing fun stuffs. Were you in charge?"

"In a way. Didn't exactly want to be," John said. "You know, your Dad was on my team? Most of the time he was meant to do as I said but he, uh wasn't so good at that. And Carson..." John smiled a little. "I think we all tried to get around him when we were in the Infirmary and it never worked. Anyway, I wasn't meant to be in charge but it kinda happened and I had to look after everyone."

"Taking care of people is a good leader thing to do," Alex decided, peering over at the book.

"Yeah, pretty much what it's all about at the end of the day." John said. "So, you wanna explain this to me?" he asked gesturing to the next diagram. "As you've read it before."

"Oh! That's a pedal powered flier. It never really worked. I mean it works, except who wants to pedal for that long?" He leaned against John's arm and flipped to another page. "I'm tired and you know about planes. Explain them to me?"

"Well okay," John said, putting his arm around the small boy and smiling. "Planes are pretty cool, because no one is really sure how things work, but they do. Anyway, there are four basic things you have to have to fly or have to deal with. Thrust, drag, lift and weight. They work opposite each other and that pretty much controls the basic flying. So you have to have enough thrust to get around the drag to make you go forwards, and you have to have enough lift to make you rise up against your weight. That sort of thing. That's all aerodynamic forces. At the end of the day it all comes down to these simple principles."

"What ones have you flown?" Ah, he was a sneaky little kid, voice pitched low, trying to pull bits of John's life out of him.

"All the cool ones?" John said smiling. "Black Hawks, Apaches, Osprey, Thunder, sweet Raptor I got on with, Aurora. Helos and fighters. Something called a 302 and a 305 which most people don't know about, and Puddlejumpers and my Sweetheart, which is definitely a secret so no telling people okay?"

Even if he did, it wouldn’t be meaningful to anyone else.

"Is that the one you came here in? Why were you away so long? Dad told me you were dead and Carson's always been here."

John exhaled a little. "Yeah. Yeah, I came here in the Sweetheart and... It’s complicated. Did your dad tell you we were a long, long way away? Well, they thought I was dead, Alex. Something bad happened to me and I was separated from them for a long time. Months. And then something happened to them and they were sent home and I was left with no way to get back. And to find a way back, I had to fight a lot and then, at the end of it, I managed to find a way for me to come home. Does that answer your questions?"

Alex started to nod, but stopped himself. "No, not actually. But, it's like the why I have two daddies talk. I have two daddies. And a Carson. And dad's a daddy but also a mommy and there were diagrams and Carson turned all bright red a lot, and I got bored and decided to take apart the remote control."

John chuckled. "They probably made it complicated huh? You have two dads and Carson, but to be honest, I think Carson is a much better Mom to you than I would ever have been. You probably think of him as your...other dad or mom don't you?"

"Uh-huh. He likes being called Carson, but he's..." Alex grinned. "He's my Carson. And you're my _dad_ , so I have lots. More than Madison."

"That's pretty cool," John agreed, wondering if Carson was really dealing with this okay. He knew how he'd been after his mother had died and his father had remarried. He knew that Lisa had a constant insecurity about not being their real mother. "More presents for a start, huh?"

"Uh-huh! And more people to play with." Alex grinned.

"I'll always play with you," John promised. "Even when you get smarter than me - which won't be too much longer I reckon."

"Noooo, you're big and big people are almost, a lot smarter." Ah, that had to have been from Carson, somehow, a little attempt to reign in his budding ego. Alex yawned.

"C'mon kiddo, time for a bit of sleep, huh?" John encouraged. He didn't want to move and he was feeling a form of peaceful contentment that was nearly alien to him at having Alex there. "We’ll be up soon enough."

"Mmmhmph." Alex shifted, and slouched down in an inelegant sprawl before he pawed a hand at the light. "Cookies for breakfast 'morrow."

He probably couldn't eat those, which sucked but he'd survive. "I'll look forward to it." The light snicked off and he settled down in the dark even as he felt Alex shifting around to practically curl on him. It was Christmas and he had a son. And that was more of a Christmas miracle then he'd ever allowed himself to believe in.

* * *

It had been a good Christmas. There had been too much food, which he couldn't eat much of, but enough to try a little of everything. Alex and Madison had been over excited, half the living room was buried under wrapping paper and toys and John had decided that he was well enough to move to the sofa now so that Rodney and Carson got to spend a comfortable night together at least.

John could really only imagine how that had gone, but the sofa _was_ pretty comfy, even if it didn't distract him from thoughts of the sex that was probably happening back in the reclaimed bedroom.

Obviously he was getting some of his energy back as he was getting restless and exhaustion wasn't carrying him away in the same way. He had dozed a little and then stirred to hear someone walking around near him.

"Hey." It was nonchalant and sounded like Jeannie. "You awake?"

"Yeah," John sat up a little. "Thought you were going to leave the clearing up?"

He'd made up his mind that if he woke up in the middle of the night it would give him something useful to occupy himself.

"Yeah, well, it's just a little past midnight and I hate leaving dishes soaking. Also, I have a dishwasher for a reason, John, but I appreciate the offer." She smiled at him, watching him sort of get himself together, which John took as a hint that she wasn't just going away.

"You want some help?" he offered. "I don't sleep so well,"

"You can take the guest room back, you know. If you slept better there. Because Carson and Rodney sleep great down here like two dead logs," Jeannie offered.

"Didn't sleep that well there after my marathon trip to unconsciousness," John answered. "Spent a lot of last night roaming around and entertaining Alex."

"Alex probably enjoyed that." Jeannie smiled, and shifted some of John's blanket so she could sit on the sofa. "I'm glad you're getting on well with him."

"He's a great kid," John said, looking at her. "Kinda weird having a son just like that."

"You've missed a lot of the 'fun' bits," Jeannie advised. "Screaming, crying, the diapers. The sleepless nights that didn't happen because, really, he's been a psychotically good kid."

"Apparently I was a laid back baby," John said with a smile. "I somehow guess Rodney wasn't."

"When has he ever been?" Jeannie snorted. "I'm glad he came back. That you and Carson made it back. I bet the rest of your expedition is going to be surprised."

"I uh..." John blinked. He hadn't really thought about that. Truth was, after the end, after losing Ford completely and just everything unraveling he hadn't thought much about the consequences. He just knew he was empty and needed someone, desperately needed a last chance.

"I hadn't really thought about that," he admitted. "To be honest, I'm not entirely sure how, uh... sane I've been."

That was the bald honest truth right there.

Jeannie snorted. "Carson called it battle fatigue, and you've handled the holidays pretty well. If you let them, Carson and my brother will wrap you in cotton wool."

"Sounds comfortable," John answered. "Not really sure this is real yet. Can't quite get it." He shrugged a little half wondering why Jeannie had stopped for a chat.

"Right." Jeannie took a deep breath and seemed ready to go on with something. "Don't try running away or doing anything stupid. Rodney was really, really torn up over you for a long time."

"Jeannie, I pretty much broke every rule in the book to get here, to him. It dragged me from the other side of the universe, I don't think I could run away."

"Right, good." Jeannie smiled at him, but then she added, "I still don't want... Look, I know you're in a bad place mentally and physically. I know what little Rodney's told me you were doing out there, and I remember what Pegasus was like enough to have a creative imagination fill in the rest. Please let them help."

"I am!" John protested and then frowned. "I am aren't I?" He hoped so. "Look, I want to give this a go, no matter where it ends up. I guess I'm not really sure who I am."

"You're John Sheppard, Air Force, hot shit, all around good guy," Jeannie offered. "You know every time I've met people who were in the expedition, they talk about you. They remember you."

"Don't." He didn't know why that shook him but it did. There was something literally shocking about hearing he was remembered and he didn’t know why. Maybe because he had given up all hope it was easier to just not wonder anymore.

Not because he was afraid... okay, maybe he was afraid, but afraid of what he might become. He was too close to snapping, too damn close to it if he was in charge of weapons that could destroy planets. That scared the hell out of him.

"They didn't forget. It was just the, the Ori, and the new war that was the problem. I know Carson or Rodney haven't said anything. They're protective."

John huffed a weak laugh. "Time was that was my job." He looked down a moment. "I don't know if I can fight any more," he said in a low voice.

Not because he was afraid okay, maybe he was afraid, but afraid of what he might become. He was too close to snapping, to damn close to it if he was in charge of weapons that could destroy planets. That scared the hell out of him.

"You don't have to. Just like Rodney doesn't have to save the world."

"But he would. He would if he had to," John answered. "And I would try but I think it might be dangerous. I don't know if I'm totally in control."

"Don't, for a while. After the Asgard walked off with him, Carson took a sabbatical. Whatever was going on with the SGC, they left him the hell alone for those months. They found other people to do the work. Be selfish, John."

"I have been," John answered without thinking. "I've come here and interrupted everyone's lives. Without thinking." The more he looked back on that, the more screwed up it all seemed. He had thought he deserved a shot of happiness but what if it screwed up somebody else’s?

What was Carson thinking about it all? He'd been Alex's other father for all of Alex's life, and now John was back and interrupting things, making them harder.

Jeannie snorted, "I was waiting to hear that."

"What?" John looked at her, feeling a little hurt at the response, but trying to pull his mask of over his expression.

"That you interrupted everyone's lives," Jeannie answered. "Which you didn't. You startled us, but you're welcome here, John."

"Jeannie..." he started and hesitated. "I'm a complication, you can't deny that. Everyone's been pretty happy without me here."

"And you think that with you here, no-one can be happy anymore? Rodney's _delighted_. Your brother will fall over himself, which reminds me that you and Rodney need to get together on whatever he was told about the circumstances of your 'death'."

"I'm guessing they were given the old KIA speech," John replied. Dave might have missed him some, but he was pretty sure there was a reason he'd never got any mail or messages for years. "I'm pretty sure it wasn't a big deal for them."

"It was. It was… a really big deal for them, actually." Jeannie almost smiled, still watching him. "And I thought Rodney was a little stupid to do it, but I think we're all glad that your father met Alex before he died."

John was about to say something and his mind stuttered. "Wait, what?" His father died? How could his father be dead? "My father's...My father died?"

"I, shit, John, I'm sorry. I thought Rodney had told you, it's been a couple of years now."

"My father's dead?" John repeated and he blinked a little. His father had told him he never wanted to speak to him again, never wanted to hear from him if he couldn't see sense. Predicted he'd come crawling back to him on his knees because he couldn't do without. Blamed him being gay for the breakup of his marriage, blamed him for his mother’s death, and blamed him for every damn thing back to original sin. And that was how it had been left, and it was never going to change now. He was always going to be the worst son, the greatest disappointment.

Jeannie looked torn and contrite. "I'm sorry, John. I didn't know that you didn't know. I'd just assumed that Rodney had."

John looked down. It shouldn't hurt, because that pain had hit him years ago, the knowledge of a permanent loss because his father had made his return to the fold conditional on changing who he was and he couldn't do that, even if he wanted too. So he'd grieved then for never seeing them again, for being alone and it shouldn't hurt now. Really shouldn't.

But it did. More than he dreamed possible. His dad hadn't abused him or anything like that. No, he'd disappointed him, pretty much from the moment he became a teenager. Every day a new disappointment, criticism, not being perfect, not being able to be who his father wanted. He'd tried. He'd tried with Nancy and that had been doomed and every damn day it was a struggle to even be acknowledged. Black Ops was a piece of cake compared to getting his father’s love and approval.

He had a feeling he was in shock.

"John... John, I'm giving you thirty seconds and then I'm getting Carson and Rodney down here." Jeannie was leaning into his personal space, watching him, a hand on his shoulder.

"No," he said that instinctively. "No, don't. I'm fine." Breathing seemed to hurt for a moment. "I'm... okay. We weren't close."

"He's still your father. And your brother's going to be here in a few days," Jeannie cautioned. "Though, he's staying at a hotel, which is great because I've run out of rooms. You have nieces, too."

"Jesus." He felt dizzy for a moment and put his head in his hand. "I don't have a family. I haven't had one for a long time." Ten, fifteen years. "You don't get it. He disowned me."

"He would have re-owned you, John, if he'd thought you were alive." Jeannie was still petting at his shoulder. "I'm sorry. You have us, whether you want to or not."

He shook his head. Easy for them to say. When it came down to stop being gay and work in the company that you hate and then I'll love you again, there was no 're-owning'. Joining the military had at once been a rebellion and an appeasement - an attempt to convince himself he could change and be himself at the same time. Hey, Dad, can't be gay, I'm in the Air Force, but I'm still not working for you...

It was messy and complicated and his motivations were screwed up and he'd married Nancy and fucked that up too when she couldn't stand the black ops missions, the middle of the night rescues.

He'd made his teams into his family and lost them over and over.

He couldn't cry for his dad. What did that make him? He couldn't cry for the man who others liked and respected and thought they understood what had happened between them. Not even Davey understood.

"John." Jeannie stood up, probably moving to get Rodney and Carson.

"Don't, Jeannie," he said trying to forestall that, his voice dropping automatically into softer tones. "Don't spoil their Christmas. Please. "

She smiled a little as she turned back to him, but her facial expression was tense. "They're just up there knocking boots. They are, and I never expected this of my brother, but they're sentimental about the funniest things."

"Tell me about them," John said, aware of a hint of desperation in his voice. He didn't want to think about his family. He wanted to focus on a newer family, just to make it bearable.

She looked reluctant, but sat back down awkwardly. "I'm not sure what exactly to say."

"What're they sentimental about?" John asked. "What've they been doing for all this time?"

"Living together." The edge of Jeannie's mouth quirked up. "They both still work at the SGC. Rodney telecommutes most of the time. They're very domestic, actually. I think Carson's been trying to talk Rodney into getting therapy, but that's an uphill battle. Rodney wants to have another kid, and Carson was talking to Caleb about rings, and it's really, really hysterically domestic for Rodney."

John nodded a little and couldn't help but feel a bit of a sinking feeling at the mention of rings. "... That's good," he said eventually, and dammit, he could feel darkness and depression rising up around him. As far as pep talks went, this was having an opposite effect.

"It's..." Jeannie waved a hand slightly. "It started out that Carson loved Rodney and Rodney was alone, and he missed you and he was a mess because it had taken him long enough to get his gender straight for himself. He's always loved you. You're 'the one', but Carson's more than a consolation prize."

"He should be," John said automatically and focused on Jeannie again. "He should be Rodney's 'one'. He's good with emotions and feelings and I'm really not. "

There was a little spark there. Rodney had missed him, cared for him.

"They’re good for each other, and they do, no questions asked, love each other. But, they both care for you, and I really think they can make it work, John. You just need to let them try. You just need to... experience it for yourself for a few days. Carson's got Rodney drinking tea. And trying to not call people morons. And talking about emotions a little. He might work wonders on you, too."

He found himself shaking his head a little in disbelief, partly of those changes and that even Carson could help. "Jeannie, I'm not the John Sheppard any of you knew," he murmured. "I keep trying to tell you all that."

"And Rodney's not the Rodney you thought you knew, and Carson's not the same Carson you knew. They're not the same men I knew, and... it's still okay."

"They're not people who managed to kill two _species_ , Jeannie," John said wearily. He couldn't seem to get them to understand this simple fact.

"No, but Rodney still designs weaponry for the SGC, engines, the tools of genocide, and Carson was kidnapped by the Asgard. Rodney once took out a solar system, if I remember right."

"Four fifths," John corrected absently. "Uninhabited." He exhaled. There was no way he could explain it to any of them, what it felt like to be fighting so hard and so long. And the distraction was only partially working. He was still feeling the news about his father like a knife in the gut.

“Right. Look, you... Carson was just missing, doing that kind of schedule for months, just a few months, and it took a long time for him to spring back from that. You're going to need more than a few days, John, to start feeling like yourself again."

He just nodded at that. It wasn't worth going into. He'd gone a bit crazy after Afghanistan in a quiet understated way and he knew he was well on the other side of that now. So far gone he wasn't sure what he was meant to feel like. "I appreciate you putting up with me here, Jeannie."

"You're a good guy, John. It's not a problem at all. I wish I could do more to help." She probably meant that honestly, with no idea of how fucked up John was. Rodney probably had a better idea, and there'd been a lot of not-talking about it.

That was par for the course. He'd gotten used to not talking about things over the years. "This is already above and beyond. By rights, I should be at the SGC or somewhere being debriefed." Assessed, debriefed, interrogated.

"Carson and Rodney did most of the talking on that. And after the holidays, they're supposed to take you to the SGC for the full debriefing. General O'Neill figured that a few more days of rest would just mean a healthier you to ask questions."

That had to be some pretty fast talking to get them to agree to that, John considered. "Something to look forward too. You still want help clearing up?"

"I've got it all under control. You should get some rest, John. Or if you're awake, play some of Alex's games."

"I'll just... try and get back to sleep," John said.. But somehow he doubted he would be sleeping much at all, not with thoughts of his father, his family in his head. Time was, a conversation like that would've slid over his defenses, but every damn word hit close to home, shocked him somehow. If life was like that for most people he had no idea how they survived.

If all he had to handle was that, and he couldn't even roll with that, then how was he going to handle day to day living?

* * *

Carson had been half expecting it after Jeannie rather anxiously confessed she had accidentally told John his father was dead and then talked about his reaction. The fact there _was_ a reaction told him a lot. Even so, years of monitoring patients on night shifts had given him an unerring sense for these things. He knew when Alex needed someone, always had. He'd done it a few times this visit, just gone to John and when touching him on the arm wasn't enough, just got in beside him to hold on. It wasn't like he hadn't seen everyone break down at some point in the Infirmary, although John had been more stubborn than most.

So he was ready for the soft sounds of distress and it woke him to pad downstairs to go to John and steady his nightmares.

Under other circumstances, it would have made him feel strange. It would have made him feel like he was doing Rodney a disservice, but John was their friend and there was no line to be drawn at what they were willing to do for a good friend. Too much time in Atlantis had shown them that, all of them.

He expected John to be twisted up on the sofa, fists wrapped up tight in the bedding even as he tried to get it off of himself.

It took careful teasing out. John would flinch and shudder at a touch, but relax under it in a complete contradiction. It took a bit of time, but Carson slid in beside him because somehow that seemed to do the trick, as if John were fighting off loneliness as much as anything else.

When they got home, they could handle it as well as anything else. There he'd feel less strange about coaxing John to just join them in bed, just to sleep. As it was, sometimes he felt like he was already pressing the boundaries of Jeannie's good taste. Not that she was anything but open minded, and really a great sister to Rodney and a good family member, but... Maybe it was Carson's own restrictions on personal versus private space.

He was pretty sure John felt a little like that as well. The Colonel had always been hesitant about crossing boundaries and this was pushing a lot. Still, if Rodney meant what he said, John was going to have to get used to him.

"Shh John, it’s okay. You're safe now."

He heard the hitch of breath, the unsteadiness before anything actually happened, before John moved. It fell into stillness, like John was afraid he was being attacked. "Hnn."

"Shh, lad, it's only me," Carson murmured. "You were having a nightmare."

He made it sound fine that it was happening. Actually, he would've been worried if he didn't have nightmares. That would've been very concerning. But that didn't mean he liked to see John suffer like this.

Carson preferred for John to sleep well, but the nightmares meant that at least his subconscious was addressing matters, even if John consciously avoided them. He functioned mostly well day to day, played with Alex, talked casually with Rodney (and played with him, if Carson were honest, because sometimes the two of them reminded him of boys not much older than Alex, and it hadn't just been the little ones who'd been out there in the snow), and did everything that seemed normal.

And in this situation, that wasn't normal. Jeannie had said John had talked a little and she didn't know what a miracle that was. They had gone for _years_ in life and death situations and he'd never mentioned his family. Or anyone back home and the whole disowning thing. It had been there when they had met John's father but never exactly spelled out. It was Dave who said he wasn’t sure but he had a feeling that it had to do with being gay and going into the Air Force.

Which was an oxymoron, and if he'd wanted to ruin John's ambitions he could have mentioned the first part to the second part of the problem and solved at least the Air Force issue.

John was still now, still and quiet, and he was probably feigning sleep.

He stroked him gently, letting his arms rest loosely around him, keeping himself as close as he dared. "I know you're awake, John. It's okay, trust me. If you don't want me here, I’ll go."

"Shouldn't you be upstairs?"

A response. Well that was interesting. "Not when you need someone here. And Rodney no doubt would do it if he wasn't sleeping like a log," Carson murmured. "He does know, John, in case you think otherwise."

"You're a pair." John shifted, struggled with the bedding that he'd knotted himself up in, but he didn't push Carson away. It was a small couch and gravity itself could do the work there.

"A right pair as my ever sainted mother would say," Carson chuckled and then subsided a little. "John, you don't have to talk, you can just listen if you want but I think you need to know and understand a few things. About Rodney, about everything. I know you must be feeling out of place right now. We all felt like that to a certain extent when we came back, so I’m sure yours is worse. But Rodney, Rodney was lost without you. And I always felt like I was... stepping into a space for him, which is something he gets annoyed with me for thinking. I can't help it though. But he wants you to be a part of all of our lives and I certainly don't object as long as I don't lose Rodney or Alex. In fact, I think it's a wonderful idea because...well, we all know how easy it is to not be there when you desperately want to be."

"I don't want to take this from you. It feels like I've stepped into someone else's happy ending. Family, and shelter and--"

"That's my point, John, your happiness doesn't have to come at the expense of someone else’s, it is going to add to it," Carson said softly. "Perhaps you don't know how much we grieved for you. Probably you wouldn't believe it, but well, tears were definitely shed over you." He smiled a little. "Speaking for myself there."

In a strange way it was one of his strengths, the ability to make himself vulnerable like that. John shifted, eyes slit open. "Why?"

Why? Only John would ask why. "Because, because you're you, John. Someone special to all of us. Because you were the heart of Atlantis, the city, the community we made there. You don't think you could save us that many times and people at least not be grateful. In my case, I know you. I've seen you through some bad times You forgave me for the circumstances of our first meeting and I do love you, in my own way. I always have. In a different way to Rodney, but love never the less."

"There wasn't much to forgive. You just nearly took the general and I out, no big deal." John grinned a little, shifting the topic.

"Don't bloody well remind me," Carson answered, allowing the shift. He knew John, he'd mull on those words, chew them over. "You ready to see your brother?"

"I guess I am. Hiding in the backyard isn't an option."

"Seriously," Carson asked, practically murmuring into his ear. "If you don't think you can, all you have to do is say. We don't know exactly what the situation is."

Between him and Dave. John just shrugged his shoulders. "Somehow, I've always been at fault that he had to do our father's bidding. Because I didn't, it fell to him, when he could've rebelled like I did."

"So even after you fell out with your father you never...?" Carson left the question dangling. John's father had been a stubborn old man in a lot of ways and he had a feeling they had seen him at his best.

"No." That explained quite a bit, but Carson didn't want to say as much. John shifted, half moving to lie back down.

"Your father did regret things," Carson said after a moment where he settled. "I know that much. It was my fault. I probably made Rodney go with Alex because... because we wanted them to know there was something of you still with us."

"I bet they thought Rodney was crazy," John smiled.

"Oh, we were assumed gold diggers," Carson replied. "I have it on good authority that I gave them a good talking to. Also on how much you meant to us and how much we valued you. They had a slightly edited version of what happened."

"What did you tell them?" That caught his interest, that and anticipation of whatever their reaction might've been.

"We told them that on a mission you and Rodney had been captured and tortured and as a part of that, Alex had been conceived," Carson said. "And that you had got them out and in covering Rodney's escape, he saw you shot multiple times. That we thought you'd died giving your life for him." It amazed him how easy it was to have his throat tighten with remembered grief even though John was there.

"What did they say about that?" John leaned up a little, tiredly attentive. "And what did you tell Dave about me being back?"

"At first they blamed the being military thing," Carson said. "Then after a while they came around to the idea. Your dad was proud of you. Rodney hinted in the sort of way that Rodney does about how important you were to the whole mission and that turned him around. He liked Rodney, because...well you know Rodney, he fights for his corner."

"Loudly." John grinned, and nodded slightly, leaning back down. "Huh."

"What did you think they'd say?" Carson asked curiously even as he just rested there. This was as close to therapy as John was going to get. John had no idea how much out on a limb he'd gone to get the SGC to back off and trust them to his care and Rodney’s.

It had been worth it, though, to reintroduce John to normal life again, albeit faster than any professional would suggest. "Not sure. They never thought much of me joining up."

"I gathered that much. I wish we'd been able to tell your father the whole story but..." Carson looked down. "Right at the end, John, we went to him. When I saw him, I offered to sit with him that night because I've seen that look before. And I told him then. All of it, all of Atlantis and you saving worlds. Because I didn't want him to die not knowing that his greatest legacy hadn't been wealth, but you.""

He wasn't sure how lucid John's father had been, and he hadn't told Rodney that either. It was the right thing to do. It was hard to tell what that expression was on John's face, whether it was relief or some mixed sadness, but Carson wished he could get John to say as much. "I, shit, Carson. You didn't have to do that for me."

"Truth is, I'm not sure if I was doing it for you, me, your father or Rodney," Carson answered. "And I haven't told anyone else because I broke a hundred rules or more but..."

It had been important. He hoped the look in John's fathers eyes had been recognition and awe, but he couldn't be sure. "It was important."

It could have been the morphine.

"Carson... I, you..." John was at a loss for words. He looked down and shook his head in the darkened living room. "Dammit."

"What?" He really didn't understand why this was a big surprise to John. "Come on, lad, you know what I'm like. We've known each other long enough. "

Maybe John didn't know him that well. He thought of it as a common trait. Doing what was right even if it broke the rules. Different areas of moral decision making but they both did it. "Sometimes you still surprise me." John rubbed at his face. "I'm glad he heard it, even if he probably thought you were telling him fairy tales."

"Aye, most likely." Carson stroked at his hair just a little. "Are you going to go back to sleep now, John?

"Most likely," John agreed. "You should go back upstairs, keep Rodney company."

"I can stay here a while longer, John," Carson answered, willing John to accept help rather than have it forced upon him.

"Huh." John half-closed his eyes, but he was still facing in Carson's direction. "Rodney and you must have problems of your own to deal with."

"Not so much," Carson murmured. "We're reasonably good at communicating now." That was true enough. And John just needed to sleep.

"Nothing? You guys are all right?"

"We had a talk on Christmas Eve, put a few questions to rest there," Carson said. "I told Rodney we weren't going to just fit you in around us. We were going to work on something new if we were doing this. "

"New. I really don't want you guys disrupting your lives just to find a place for me."

"You've always had a place," Carson promised. "It's not that big a change. You've always been a part of this. How do you think Alex knows all about you?"

"Rodney wanted to make sure his ego could match up to his own?"

Carson chuckled. "Because we wanted your son to know about you," he answered. "And he does."

He watched John finally close his eyes and smile as he relaxed. "I'm okay. I'm going to sleep now and you should, too."

"I will, John," Carson promised. "I'll go as soon as you sleep."

He made an mmmhmm noise, and laid there for a few minutes before he fussed with the sheets. That was closer to actual sleep than that still, stiff laying there while he waited for Carson to leave. This time as Carson touched him, John did relax under his hands, and he didn't go until he heard his breathing change. Even then he lingered a while before finally returning to Rodney.

* * *

Snow. Snow snow snow. Snow snow snow. Alex was _singing_ it in an off-key chant of delight. Like he never saw snow any time but when they visited Jeannie over the holidays. Like Colorado never had snow, and hell, when he'd been three there hadn't even been snow. But he was prancing around, smashing snow down in crunchy sounds while John and he rolled a ball for the base of a snowman. Madison had long since abandoned them in favor of sanity and hot chocolate.

Carson had issued a warning, but he had been volunteered to cook dinner and was currently in the kitchen cooking a roast that would be delicious.

The warning was to come in before he lost any fingers or toes, and to not let Alex catch a cold -- as it was some kind of thing he could ward off by wrapping Alex in enough protective clothing. With their luck, Carson would be the one to come down with the cold first, from all of his worrying. "So, what're we going to use for a nose?"

"Snow! Snow snow -- I've got snow!"

"Me too," John said, scooping Alex up and half throwing him in the air in the process. For someone who had practically slept his way through a week, now John had some energy back. He was showing the fact that he was nothing but bone and muscle now. "We could get a carrot from Carson?"

"A carrot and something for eyes," Rodney decided as he nudged the second ball up onto the main body with his knee. "Alex, do you want to run in and get that?"

"Yes yes yes!" That was Alex, never using one word where three would do. He dashed off at speed the moment John put him down.

"Got a lot of energy," John commented, looking after him and when he looked back, his eyes were the green side of hazel.

It was hard for Rodney to not grin when he straightened up, looking for the next rough patch of snow to tackle for a head. "Tons of it. Carson and I spend a lot of time playing with him. Jeannie bought him a trampoline for his birthday."

"You're looking pretty good yourself," John commented with a grin. "Kids are better than Basic, huh?"

"Kid, Carson's love of healthy food, the controlled use of Cheetos for Alex's sake." He didn't think he was much different, but he was used to seeing himself every day.

He could hear Alex laughing as he headed back. "Da~ad! Uncle David's here! He's coming to see the snowman!" he yelled even as he flailed through the snow back to them.

Alex never did just _run_ \-- he either raced or flailed, and that was a moment of flailing just then. "Is he? It doesn't have a head, yet. It's a pretty Lecter-esque snowman right now," Rodney decided, glancing over at John.

John had stood almost at attention, stiff and the relaxed attitude of a moment before was gone. "Well, we can get a head on there for you, Alex," John promised even as he bent to gather snow.

Behind them, Rodney could make out the sounds of an adult coming nearer.

"Snow snow, I've got snow and a John and a snowman!" He ran up to the snowman, and smacked what Rodney hoped was a walnut against the middle part.

"John."

John finished shaping the snow and then turned and Rodney heard John's voice drop into the soft voice he used when he was struggling to contain strong emotions. "Hey, Dave."

"John." John, and then nothing, and Rodney was almost surprised that Dave embraced John hard the moment he was close enough. He looked out of place there in the backyard, with tromped on snow and big puffy coats, when he seemed so sleek and put together.

"You look grown up," John said with a hint of a smile as if he was afraid of trying it out.

Actually, Dave looked like the very affluent Utilities mogul he was.

Occasionally it made Rodney think that he was playing dress up, but he never said as much as he bent to heft Alex up. "C'mon, we need to get this head on straight, and then we can go inside. Did you bring your wife and the girls, Dave?"

"They're inside," Dave replied still looking at John. "Couldn't keep them away after the military informed us that John had been found."

John shrugged a little, as if it was no big deal.

"Fantastic." And Rodney really meant it, even as Alex cheered and waved his arms before patting them vigorously on the snowman's tiny head.

"I want to show them my gifts and games!" He was the only boy in a generation of women, and didn't have the slightest qualm about it, because thanks to Madison, he thought girls were the best playmates ever.

"I'm sure they'll be pleased to see them," Dave said. "And there might just be some presents from us there for you as well."

That was enough to have Alex wriggling to get down.

John pulled up a disarming smile and said with studied ease. "Hey, do I get one too?"

"I..." He laughed, still looking at John like he was entranced. Rodney knew that feeling well. "Things from home, actually. Some things from our mother I thought you'd want, just..."

"Things from home?" John looked surprised. "Didn't think there was much left behind."

"You'd be surprised. You were declared MIA, so a lot of your things went to Father, and I thought you'd want them back. Brought a trailer, actually." Dave stepped back, and then leaned to tap Alex gently on the nose. "Hey, that's blue. Are you sure you should still be out here?"

"Uh-huh! Just need to put nose and eyes in it, and I've got a snowman!"

"I just." John seemed to stop himself.

Rodney was pretty sure that John just thought he had literally nothing in the world. No things, no money, no prospects. And he was wrong.

"Let’s put that nose in and we can all go in and get warm," Dave suggested. "My brother and I have some catching up to do. There are embarrassing stories to tell."

It was hard not to smile when Dave said that. "Ah, that's fair play -- finally! Everyone's heard every embarrassing story that Jeannie ever had about me." He leaned in to the snowman, and carefully positioned the one eye. "Here, Alex, you want to get the other one?"

"Yes!" Alex stretched to try and put in the other eye and John leaned over to help him. "There. Best snowman ever," he declared and Rodney could tell John was deliberately not looking at Dave, using Alex as a shield of sorts.

That wouldn't last long, because as soon as Alex was in the house, he was going to _play_ , and harass Maddie and the house was going to be chaos. He just hoped the chaos wasn't too loud. "Wait wait -- the nose..."

"The nose!" Alex nearly flailed having just about forgotten. "Jo~ohn! Help me with the nose too."

John smiled. "Sure, kiddo," he murmured and lifted him for that as well.

"There. _Now_ it's done." Alex announced. "I want to go tell Maddie and the others!"

Rodney reached to take Alex, to help John put him down because physically. "Go on. I'll go inside, so uh..." Maybe they could have time to talk.

The look John gave him was a sudden almost desperate nonverbal plea for him to stay and Alex was already tearing back to the house even as John exhaled.

"Why don't you say what you want to get off your chest, Dave," John said, barely looking at his brother.

Not going inside, then. Rodney stood there awkwardly, watching Dave, watching Dave flinch. "Look, I don't know what you expect me to say, John."

"Really? I was pretty sure you bought into what Dad thought about me," John answered, his voice dropping quieter. "Say it, get it off your chest then we can go inside and pretend to be civil."

"I've had some time to think about things, John. I never wanted the family business, and neither did you."

"So why did you take it? I thought you were going to come with me - you didn't back me up on it and you know, it looked a lot like being hung out to dry from where I was standing," John said. "I remember thinking, hey, if he wanted the business, he didn't have to do that."

"You left first! You left first, and he ranted and raved and railed against you, and I couldn't just... leave him like that."

John stared at him. "So you believed him then? Or did he tell you I was a selfish bastard. He _disowned_ me, Davey. There's no room for misinterpretation there. He told me he never wanted to see me again, hear from me or even speak my name. Did I have any choice but to leave?"

"You joined the Air Force, John, and then they killed you! They wrote you off, even at a best ca--"

"No, no, I won't let you say that. We _never_ wrote him off. There are circumstances and wars going on that you can't hope to understand, and we thought he was _dead_ ," Rodney snapped. "I'm not going to just stand here and let the two of you tear into each other. Your father was an asshole, and I can say that as someone who's occasionally considered one myself. He was selfish, but he's dead, and that's no reason for the two of you to turn against each other."

John looked down. "I joined the Air Force to fly. You know that. I thought you understood that. For a while Dad even seemed to just give a little but that didn't last. He cut me off so I made my own family, and then I'd thought I'd lost that all over again."

"Rodney told us what happened," Dave offered, "And Dad didn't want to believe him, but I... did. It sounded right. It sounded like something that would happen to you."

"Which bit?" John sounded weary now. "Getting captured and tortured?"

That of all things was taking him close to the edge. Rodney couldn't seem to get John to accept he forgave him. To regret it was to regret Alex and sure, he would've liked better circumstances but the end result was the end result.

Life was as it was and when Dave scoffed, "Yeah," Rodney stepped towards him.

"You shouldn't focus on that. John did so much more that we just can't talk about."

John looked at him a moment and for a moment he seemed on the edge of something. "Godammit, I wish Ronon or Teyla were here. I really need to... work this off. Sparring would've been good."

"I know Tae Kwando," Dave offered after a moment.

"We should go inside before the kids decide that arguing is the new fun thing," Rodney pointed out.

"No offense, Davey," John said with a drawl. "I need someone who can knock me on my ass."

The implication was most definitely there that even with a bum leg John wouldn't find his brother even a remote challenge.

"Let me give it a try. I've never gone up against a, what were you? Black-ops?" Dave looked too clean cut in his clothes, and Rodney shook his head as he started towards the house.

John smiled just a little. "Once." They were just standing there like this was totally normal behavior, proposing to beat each other up. John was barely recovered, he had a leg with stitches in it and bruised from calf to shin, and this was normal?

"Right, he's still injured, so I'm not going to let you two do this." Rodney waved at them. "In the house, now."

"C'mon Rodney, I could take him," John protested but he seemed to be moving to follow his instructions.

Carson would kill _all_ of them if they did something so stupid.

"Yes, you could take him, and then _I’d_ have to take him to the emergency room!" He pointed a finger at Dave. "And you! Don't even say it. I've seen John snap people's necks like a bad horror flick!"

Dave smiled a little as if thinking Rodney was joking and then the smile wavered a little.

John looked at him. "Not like the movies, Davey," he said. "I found that out pretty quickly even when I was with Nancy. Didn't occur to any of you I could've used not being the bad guy then because of what I wasn't allowed to talk about and really needed to."

He shrugged a little and started back to the house.

Rodney lifted his eyebrows at Dave as he shadowed John into the house. "If you get it into your head that you two need to spar, Carson can stabilize a spine in _seconds_."

Rodney didn't count himself as particularly astute with knowing other people’s feelings, though five years of Carson training on a daily basis had had some effect, but he didn't need much to realize John and Dave had reason to fight. It was pretty much due to not knowing where the other one was coming from. Details were sketchy, but he knew in this situation, if it were him, Carson would sit him down and patiently go through it with him, weathering his occasional bluster. Maybe he should try and get that to happen here. Ask Carson to take them aside for one to one chats.

* * *

Carson counted to ten. Then tried it backwards, adding each number to the next and then finally tried again. "Shall we try this again, this time without the mental age of twelve overriding common sense?" he asked the two brothers. Rodney was going to owe him a big favor for volunteering him to sort out the problems between John and Dave. "What part of listening without interrupting did you not understand? Let’s try _again_. Dave. Let’s hear your problems, and John, just... try and be quiet."

"Look, I don't even know what there is to discuss. I mean that," Dave offered. "John and I have uh, I mean, we were brothers and he went and did his own thing, so..."

"So you didn't talk to him for what? Ten years?" Carson asked. "And you John, why didn't you speak to your brother when you'd argued with your dad?"

"I told you why. He disowned me. He threw me out of the family," John answered.

"You weren't _really_ disowned. It was just a..." Dave waved a hand. "A threat, maybe a promise."

"Is that what he told you?" John folded his arms. "He didn't leave any room for misinterpretation. Didn't want me contaminating the house... you...with what I was. I did tell him it didn't work like that."

Carson watched the two of them argue the same ground again and for the life of him couldn't actually work out what the argument was specifically about. They didn't seem to be at cross purposes, but they were still arguing.

Semantics, maybe. Either way, it was giving him a damn headache. "Okay, and what could I do about it?"

"Sent a letter maybe? Picked up a phone? Tried an email? I might not have got it straight away, but I would've got it some time," John replied.

"Okay, so I’m still trying to work out why you two are actually arguing," Carson said after a pause. "Basically it’s because neither of you bothered to contact the other?"

Dave looked sideways and then back to Carson, but not at John, not this time. "Yeah."

"Okay." Carson looked at the two of them. "Well, I guess in the end it boils down to this. Either you _keep_ doing that, or you don't. You can both sit there with your ideas that the other one should've contacted you first, or you can get on with actually doing the contact thing now. You're both as stubborn as the other, both taking after your father in that respect. Don't bloody well live to regret it like he did."

John cleared his throat. "If, look, Carson, I appreciate the help, but I think that's it."

"That's what? You're going to start talking or carry on ignoring each other," Carson asked, raising his eyebrows a little. "We thought you were _dead,_ , John. You thought you were never getting back here. Surely it's time to start fresh?"

John's expression was hard to read, and he looked at Dave with a tense shrug. "I don't know what's left to start with."

"How about the fact you now have families?" Carson suggested. "You've got kids. Nieces and nephews. You can start there. You're brothers. Lord knows my brothers and sisters haven't always gotten on, but when it comes down to it family is someone whose got your back no matter what. John if Dave were in trouble what would you do?"

Dave exhaled, while John apparently dug for an answer. "I'd, I'd do what I could, but Dave's not a guy to get into trouble."

"And if you knew John was in trouble?" Carson prompted Dave. It was like getting blood out of a stone.

"Sure, but John gets into things that're... I mean, I could help with back taxes or something, but John's black-ops."

Carson felt like beating his head against a wall. "I think I see the problem," he said dryly. "You're both idiots. Listen. Dave, John needs help right now, and it's not something that requires black-ops training. He needs help getting his life back. You brought his stuff up which is great but there are other things that only you can give him. Family stuff from his childhood. Roots. John, Dave can help you with this okay? And you can do whatever passes for communication in your family. Bond over a game a golf. "

"You still play?" Dave sounded surprised, and Carson was sure that he was going to need the Motrin when it was all over.

"Best I could. But, uh..." John gave a half smile. "I'll be about five years rusty at least."

There it was, finally, just a little crack in John's defenses.

"I'm two or three, but we might be able to find a course and rent some clubs around here," Dave offered. Golf in snow. Lord, why not?

"I'm sure Jeannie might be able to help you out where to go," Carson encouraged and smiled at them, and sat back. "Why don't you two just discuss that while I... go answer a call of nature?"

And take the biggest headache pill known to man.

He left them be, wandered towards the other rooms, looking for Rodney, looking for Jeannie, really, anything to clear his head a little. Rodney and Alex cross-legged in front of the TV was familiar, almost like home.

"Where does Jeannie keep her Motrin, do you know? I can't be bothered to go upstairs," Carson said, contemplating collapsing on the sofa.

"Bathroom down here. Hold on a second, I'm losing a racing game, first, then I'll go find it," Rodney offered, eyes still on the screen. Alex was driving Mario.

"No, it's okay." Carson could manage that far. He wandered down to the bathroom, had an interesting rummage in the medicine cabinet and then returned to flop down, dry swallowing the pill.

"Rodney, next time you volunteer me for mediation, give me something easy like the Middle East to sort out."

It got a snort as Rodney passed his controller off to Alex. "That's it, you, you're too good at this. Wait here, I'll find Maddie and the two of you can compete. Here."

"You suck at racing games," Alex gloated.

"Ah ah, suck is not a word you can say," Rodney reminded as he started towards Carson.

"For once it wasn't me that taught him that," Carson replied absently, reaching to touch Rodney.

It was a miracle that Rodney was as comfortable with touch as he was. He smirked, rubbing at Carson's shoulder as he started to walk him towards the bathroom. "It's a pretty tame word."

"Aye well, comparatively. I'll blame Madison for that then." Carson said, wondering if he could sneak a kiss. "Oh, and apparently sport is a unifying factor among warring factions. Well, golf is."

"Golf? Really?" Rodney made a quiet 'huh' noise as he coddled Carson for just a moment. It was laughable, almost, except Rodney seemed relaxed. "Well, whatever works."

"Wish I thought of that at the start of it, mind," Carson answered. "Instead of spending over an hour trying to get them to do more than emotionally repress at each other." He exhaled.

"It'll take time. Jeannie and I hadn't spoken for four years, and it was maybe easier, but..." Rodney shrugged. "We were close when we were kids. And I was willing to grovel a sufficient amount."

"Yeah, groveling isn't really happening there," Carson said with a little bit of a long suffering sigh. "But, we will be getting a lot of John's stuff sent back to Colorado and we need to think about arrangements for home."

Rodney finally weaseled him into the bathroom, which it seemed was the best place to have a semi-private conversation in Jeannie's house, either the one upstairs or the one downstairs. "Arrangements?"

"With John," Carson said. "He still doesn't really believe it you know. That he's got a home with us. He's sort of viewing it more as a place to crash until we get tired of him."

"He'll need a bed," Rodney decided. "Just, knowing John. He'll want the space even if he doesn't use it."

"Well, there are often times when one or other of us is working late," Carson agreed. " The bed in the spare room is not brilliant but it will do. That could be John's room. His own space until we find a means of luring him in."

"Luring him in." Rodney gave a quiet laugh. "That sounds really filthy, coming from you, Carson."

"I am secretly filthy, you know that," Carson answered, smiling and then kissing him gently just because he could. "And I don't want to shock John too much."

He could feel the smile against his lips before Rodney relaxed against him, pressing the kiss harder. "Mmmhm, no shocking John."

"But we do want him in _with_ us, yes?" Carson asked outright. It had been implicit but never explicit in what they had said.

"Yes, I'd thought that was the plan?" Rodney leaned back a little, watching Carson's eyes carefully, obviously watching him for any change of mind.

"There's wanting him with us and wanting him in our bed having hot threesome sex _with_ us," Carson pointed out. "I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.

"Well, I want both, and one's not mutually exclusive of the other. With us and _with_ us." He liked it when Rodney argued semantics in his vaguely pedantic way.

"Good. I'll call a few people and they can sort out the room for John in the next few days before we go home," Carson suggested. "Thank goodness we left the place tidy."

"If this is some sly plan to get me to clean my office out..."

"How well you know me," Carson murmured and kissed Rodney again. Somewhere in the other room, John and his brother were taking awkward steps towards being a family again and Alex was terrorizing the place with his cousins. All in all, as holidays went it had been very eventful and he knew things would be difficult to adjust to, but at the end of the day, Rodney and John were worth the effort.

Always, always worth the effort.

* * *

It was pretty weird to find he had a room, a bed, a _place_ at Carson and Rodney's place. Carson made a rambling sort of explanation about John having his own space because Rodney technically had his study, if he ever bothered to use it, and he had a workroom, which had metamorphosed into Alex's playroom, but the point was that they were meant to have a room for their own things each so he should as well.

He still felt like some bizarre form of house guest trying not to disrupt daily routines. Neither Rodney nor Carson got up early if they could help it. He did. He found himself awake and twitching with energy so he'd take himself out into the yard and very carefully work on an Athosian kata sequence as he couldn't go running yet. That was assuming he had slept. A few nights recently, he hadn't been able to sleep and paced the perimeter of the house then ended up in the living room, peering absently at what Rodney had been working on.

And then leaving it with penciled math in the margins, because he missed that.

He'd missed math and thinking. It had only been a few days so far, but his attempts to find a routine were haphazard. Rodney worked at home a lot, which meant that he'd randomly stop working to play with Alex, and make lunch, and then sometimes he'd work clean through the night.

It reminded him of his unsettled schedule, sometimes fighting for days in the Sweetheart without a break and relying on direct energy transfer to survive, to keep going. Rodney had always done that.

This morning though, he had insomnia. And this particular thing Rodney had left out had him actually thinking. Stretching his brain a little, working with what they had done with the puddlejumper and his hyperspace crystal and the configurations.

It was for a power stepper, trying to boost the output of the sources they had, and some kind of, some kind of... John wanted to say a generator, but it could have been a ZPM because all it was _math_ , equations and sketches in that rough, ugly way Rodney had of drawing.

He doodled a ZPM in the margin and then one of the internal structures of the hyperspace crystal and then paused. No wait, Rodney wouldn't have missed that?

But Rodney had never _seen_ an Ancient hyperspace crystal because it did unique things, folding space on itself and ...and there were structural similarities but if folding it right over you had a pocket universe and you could drain it of zero point energy and...

He had to see Rodney now.

His excitement was enough to send him _into_ Rodney and Carson's bedroom even at this comparatively early hour of the morning.

It was only after he opened the door that he realized that maybe, maybe, he was going to walk in on the two of them having sex. They weren't, though John supposed that he was lucky that he hadn't had his brilliant idea a few minutes later because they were definitely both awake. But he could see Rodney's bare chest, and stomach, and he could see Carson creeping over the top of Rodney, stopping to look towards the door.

Oh, awkward.

"Oh...uh..." Stupid, stupid, stupid thing to do. He looked at them, the thought of that sort of comfort enough to twist him inside a little. "Sorry," he mumbled and tried to back out of the door.

"Hey, whoa, wait," Rodney's voice was a quiet hiss of noise as he slipped out of the bed. He had boxers on, but they were half askew, and as he got out of bed he pulled the sheets up with one hand to cover Carson. "Is something wrong?"

"I wanted to talk to you about..." He waved a piece of paper uselessly. "I didn't realize the time. It can wait."

"Don't be daft, lad, it won't wait now," Carson said with good humor. "It's not like Alex doesn't come wake us up at this time often enough."

"Oh, god. Jumps on the bed, too." Rodney rubbed at his face as he sat on the edge of the bed. "Knees in all the wrong places. Sit down, and if you close the door he might stay asleep for a little while longer."

For a brief moment, John felt like bouncing on the bed just to prove a point. He did close the door though. He felt awkward as he sat on the bed and Carson seemed to have no qualms about moving so he had no choice but to be between them.

"I uh, couldn't sleep and I was looking at Rodney’s stuff and..." It was a stupid idea. Just a thought, a wild one with subconscious prompting from technology. "Um." He pushed the paper over to Rodney, even as Carson clicked on a side light and grinned at John with his mussed hair doing wild and frankly unnatural things.

John tried to not stare, while Rodney blearily looked at the paper, making 'huh' noises while he did it. "You, you came up with this in a fit of insomnia?"

"It's..." John hesitated. He didn't know how it would work, just the shape of it seemed to work in his head and he used to blame this sort of leap on the Ancient technology of the Sweetheart prompting him but he couldn't do that here. "I don't know. You never saw the hyperdrive crystal I had for a puddlejumper. I mean, they weren't as stable as the big ones for the... uh, the Aurora class ships. Different shape, structure and they kinda collapsed and folded more and I just thought..."

There was no real math to back it up yet.

"Wait, what?" Carson asked, trying not to yawn. "What has John worked out?"

"Do you, is that puddle jumper in SGC hands right now, or?" There was a murky gleam in Rodney's eyes while he asked that.

John shook his head. "No, that was the one Ford..." He cut himself off. "The Sweetheart has one though."

He didn't want to think about Ford, not about Ford thanking him as he went off to die in his place.

Rodney rubbed at his face. "I, John, this is brilliant. What research were you doing when you were in Pegasus?"

"Research?" John blinked at him a little. "I wasn’t doing research. I was just..." He gestured a little helplessly. "Trying to be you. As well as me."

He could see Carson's confused look and tried to clarify. "Look, out there, there wasn't anyone in our alliance that approached our level of technology except Larrin's group who you didn't meet and even they struggled. I ...Jesus, it frustrated the hell out of me, taking days to do things I _knew_ you could do in minutes or hours."

"Yes, but you realize that most people could never do what I do, even in their wildest most egotistically driven dreams, because it's _hard_ and it takes a certain base intelligence level to even learn and comprehend it, and..." And Rodney was turning towards him, still sneaking glances at the paper in the dimly lit room. "And you did it. That you made this connection was amazing."

"There's no math to back it up. It's just a drawing..." John trailed off because he was suddenly conscious that Rodney was _there_ and so was Carson and this was their room, their bed and what was he thinking?

"John?" Carson's hand planted on him. "What's wrong?"

He really wasn't sure. "I, I don't belong here," he half blurted out.

"What?" It caught him Rodney's full, almost startled attention. "No, what do you mean, you don't belong here?"

"Here, in your room," John said, not wanting to go as far as saying 'in this house, on this planet'. "This is your place."

"John... John, look," Carson had a grip on him then. "Don't you realize that we would've invited you in to bed the first night if we didn't think it might scare you off? This is your place."

Rodney shifted, put a hand on his own knee and seemed to be gathering himself to say… say things that maybe John might not want to hear. "John. Sheppard. We want you to stay here and eventually feel like it's your place."

He wasn't sure if he could do that. He'd spent five years not belonging, getting used to being an outsider and now he was being offered something impossible.

"Oh for god's sake, Rodney, kiss him so he can tell I don't mind," Carson said. "Then I'll have a go."

"See, that takes the spontaneity out of it," Rodney protested, even as he started to lean into John, closer. "Do you mind if I?" He was a little stunned at the suggestion. They'd kissed before but it had been a little secretive and though Rodney had told Carson, he didn't know that. He just nodded mutely starting to feel very surreal.

Rodney carefully pushed the paper towards Carson across the bed, just to get it moving out of the way, and then he leaned into John, reaching with one hand to caress his jaw.

He knew his eyes darted to Carson even as he couldn't stop himself from kissing Rodney, gently to start with. More tentative now he was more in control of his thoughts and feelings. And there was Carson _smiling_ at him. Watching with no hint of reserve - if anything, more than a hint of interest.

He didn’t know what to do with that interest, as Rodney lingered close against him, fingers still stroking along his jaw while he kissed John again, gentler this time. It still felt good. There was still the connection that he had felt in those desperate moments at Jeannie's house, more solid than before. He couldn't help but respond to it. He needed that contact so damn much it overwhelmed his doubts and he found his hands reaching for Rodney to pull him closer.

He could still feel the frisson of want when Rodney reached back for him, fingers moving to John's back, and John was pulling him in comfortably close, and god, god he'd missed that kind of contact.

He almost missed the touch of another hand, other fingers on his back which was saying something considering how hair trigger he was, but he drew back just a little to flick a glance sideways and see that yes, it was Carson. Carson with a look in his eyes he hadn't seen before. He had a deeper blue to them than Rodney did and they were vivid with an intense expression that surprised him.

Rodney pulled back a little, exhaling quietly against John's mouth. "See, you belong here."

John looked at Carson, who smiled. "Would you like to try that with me, John?"

It was a strange question for him to ask, but Rodney was smiling, letting his hands linger down to John's waist. "Go on. Carson kisses fantastically."

He leaned in to Carson to show willingness, because Carson was and he was completely unprepared for what the touch of lips to lip became. Rodney was right, Carson _did_ kiss fantastically. Differently, but with a responsiveness that followed his every shift and move, that warmed him all the way through.

By the time he surfaced, he was practically gasping.

"You _do_ belong here, John," Rodney reiterated, pressed close against John's back, enough to feel his warmth.

"You know, maybe we were too cautious," Carson said smiling. "Maybe we should've invited you in from the word go. We just thought..."

"I couldn't take it?" John asked.

Rodney snorted, and John could feel the tip of Rodney's nose against the nape of his own neck. "No, that you needed space."

"I had space," John answered softly. "That's all I’ve had. Just, me and a whole lot of space." It sounded a bit pathetic when he said it like that but things had changed. Teyla hadn't been his teammate any more, nor Ronon. He was the stranger.

"Well, now you have us," Carson said. "Why don't you come and lie down here and let Rodney get excited over what you came up with when you should've been sleeping."

"Bed's big enough," Rodney coaxed, shifting to lie down under the sheets again. "And still warm."

He was still so stunned by the kiss from Carson he didn't disobey, just shifted up a little so he could carry on feeling that closeness, even as Carson yawned a little. "So, what is this brilliant work then?" he asked.

"If this drawing is accurate, and I don't know why someone would go to this much effort to not be accurate at all, let alone John, then we might have a way to _create_ ZPMs based on this..." Rodney laid back, head on a pillow, the piece of paper John had scratched on stretched out over his head so he could see it in the dim room.

Carson looked a little stunned. "So let me get this straight..." he said slowly, "John has just doodled ‘How to make a ZPM’ in the margin of your work."

"Well, there's no math, just the idea. I mean, it might not work," John said.

"No, maybe it won't, but it's a better step towards a pocket universe than some of the other sometimes, admittedly, occasionally absurd things I've tried in my research."

John smiled a little. "You wait until you get to know the Sweetheart," he murmured. "Then you'll get it. She'll probably help you if you ask nicely."

"It's a little disconcerting to hear you call a ship that," Carson said.

"Like I said, you haven't met her," John replied, settling down, feeling warmth on his side.

"Seriously, sweetheart, though," Rodney sighed, laying the sheet of paper down on his own chest. All three of them in a row like that, with John in the middle was a pretty nice feeling. "All I can think of is the company that makes these little drinking cups."

"It wasn't intentional," John protested. "I called her a sweetheart of a fighter, and the Athosians picked up on it because they don't use the term and thought it was her name."

It got a quiet snort from Carson. "In ten years, you'll find out that you've taught them all a new word and that it's taken on a whole new meaning," Rodney snipped.

"I think they think it means something like brave heart or ultimate warrior," John said, smiling a little. He felt tension seep out of him even as he felt two people close to him, warmth around him.

Rodney fussed with the sheets a little, pulling them up, making sure that John was covered because the heat in the house was turned down at night and it was pretty chilly outside. He was only aware of how cold it had been out of bed when he had the contrast of sheets pulled up over him. "They're going to start calling you that."

"John Sweetheart Sheppard," Carson murmured in a soft voice, his lips twitching. "I think I might take to calling you sweetheart."

"Hmm?" John wasn't paying that much attention. "You have a great bed."

"Mattress is fantastic," Rodney agreed, shifting just a little closer. He could feel Rodney against him, closer than through layers and layers of clothes, and on his other side, Carson was stretched out, just as close and still mostly naked beneath the sheets. "Get some sleep."

He wasn't going to argue. Suddenly being up all night was too much and he felt like he needed sleep now. There was someone there watching his back, he could relax and trust them. He closed his eyes.

There was a vague awareness that Carson and Rodney were still talking quietly, but it wasn’t anything important, and Rodney was still staring at his doodle in wonder.

It was just something stupid and as far as he was concerned the really amazing thing was that it had got him in there, with them and there had been those kisses and everything Rodney had said seemed to be real. And if that were the case then maybe this was somewhere he belonged after all.

* * *

He wasn't comfortable with John being debriefed.

He didn't like the idea, just on the basis that debriefing five years of your life could, one, take a while, and two, dredge up memories that Rodney preferred John not have to deal with. Rodney knew there were things that he personally didn't want to deal with, but the SGC had deemed that John had had enough time to get himself together pre-briefing.

He wasn't sure about that. John had improved a great deal since they’d lured him into their room. Although nothing as such had happened because right now all he did when he got there was sleep and relax properly which Carson claimed was more than half the battle. But sometimes they’d both woke up to find him gone and he had somehow carved out two bantos sticks from some piece of wood he and Alex had found. The more disturbing thing was the two mini sticks that he appeared to be carving as well.

Alex being taught Bantos moves was a scary as hell thought for Rodney, but he wasn't going to say anything until he got whacked in the shin with them, and knowing Alex, well, it was just a matter of when, not if.

That still didn't mean that John was ready to be disassembled by someone who dabbled in psych-ops, but Rodney wasn't allowed a say so. He was hoping they would let him out for lunch. Sam wanted to speak to him. O’Neill wanted him to show them the Sweetheart and it was all hurry up and wait.

"Dr. McKay?" a familiar voice spoke behind him. "Rodney? Is it true?" Major Lorne, no, Lt. Colonel Lorne now, had popped up out of nowhere. Some secret Marine training, he guessed.

"Is what true?" Rodney knew what the question was, but he preferred to ask, to drag it out if Lorne was going to be looking at him _that_ way.

"Sheppard. Cam said that Sam had told him that over Christmas Sheppard had turned up..." Lorne sounded hopeful and restless with the need to know. "I mean. I don't know _how_ because he died, but this is the SGC, so..."

He shrugged his shoulders a little.

"Yeah. Yeah, he did. Crash-landed in my sister's back yard. He's been staying with Carson and I. They're debriefing him now."

Lorne looked as if he had been shocked, literally. The expression was almost comical on his face. "You're kidding. Seriously? Sheppard? _Our_ Sheppard? Is he... a clone? Or something?"

"No, he's really, really John. You'll get to hear the full story, but the Wraith that we'd thought killed him tried to be helpful and took him to a sect of Wraith worshippers."

"Wow. Seriously?" Lorne looked suddenly boyish again and beamed. "And he's okay? How did he get back here? He didn't come through the SGC, I know that much."

"No, he didn't." Rodney shook his head a little, and it was hard to imagine that he'd been denied the right to put a lock on the inside of his lab to keep people out. "He flew Atlantis home, and don't you people talk to each other, or do things really just fall to hell over the holidays?"

"Some of us had holidays," Lorne answered. "And come on, if you heard it but no one could confirm it, would you believe? I have to tell the guys. Do the others know?"

Rodney shrugged his shoulders. "I'm not sure. They might. We were trying to keep it quiet until John had healed up some."

"You should let Elizabeth and Radek know at least," Lorne said. "When is he coming out? I want to see him."

"When-ever they finish debriefing, and Sam wants to see him too." Rodney rubbed at his face. Radek, well, he'd call him but Carson would have to handle Elizabeth.

“Goddamn." Lorne looked a little like the time his gate team had gotten into some pretty strong local equivalent of pot.

"Rodney?" And that was John's voice behind him and how the hell he managed to move that silently, Rodney would never know and it even startled Lorne.

"Colonel?"

John looked tired and startled at seeing a familiar face but smiled. "Hey. How's it going?"

He turned around all the way, and started to stand up, careful to save his work before he took his eyes entirely off of the screen. "I think we're going to have to tour you around the facility, since word of your arrival has... arrived."

John raised his eyebrows a little. "Word has arrived? Makes it sound like a big deal."

"Are you kidding, sir?" Lorne said. "We thought you were dead for five years and here you are. I've seen you look better, but...damn sight better than dead!"

"That's not that hard Ma- oh, Colonel now, huh? Congratulations," John said. "Look, I was pretty up for finding a coffee. Colonel Carter wants to see Rodney and I and meet the General at the Sweetheart."

"The Sweetheart?" Lorne threw him a wild look, one eyebrow going up. "Is it a candy car or something?"

"Ship." Rodney grinned. "Really fantastic ship."

He had only John's description of it and a brief glance but knew enough that John had practically defended their shaky alliance single handedly in it.

"Wraith and Replicator ass-kicking Ancient fighter," John said with a grin that made him look like his old self. "If you know where Cam is, I think I might want to rub his nose in it some. Just for the remarks he made about Puddlejumpers looking ugly. She's a beauty, and Rodney thinks she might have things in there that might really help with his research."

"I wish I could snip at you about which part of my vast research areas, but it might help in all of them," Rodney shrugged, watching Lorne's eyes light up so brightly.

"C'mon, coffee," John asked and it looked to Rodney like he was holding himself just a little more like he had before. Less closed in on himself, even as Lorne clapped him on the shoulder and grinned.

"Way to go on not being dead, sir," he said.

"We are the same rank, Lorne," John reminded him.

"No, sir," Evan denied. "You'll always be the CO."

"Of the city he brought back with him," Rodney agreed. "John, I think Colonel Carter wanted to see you."

"Yeah, I know... hey, can I steal your coffee? I'm a bit dry from all that talking," John answered. "And the stupid questions."

"Do I have to beat anyone up for the stupid questions?" Rodney asked, passing his mug over to John. After all, there was coffee galore on earth, and Rodney had shaken off the better part of his hoarding tendencies in the last couple of years. Mostly.

"Nah." John took a slurp from it. "Stupidly obvious questions like 'why did you decide to concentrate on fighting the Wraith and Replicators instead of getting home?’ That sort of thing. Okay, let’s head to see the others."

"It's hard to go home when you're dead," Rodney answered with a shrug, glancing over at Lorne, and god, he was still all lit up and bright looking, and Rodney couldn't remember the last time Lorne had looked that happy.

"Tag along if you want," John said to Lorne and then smirked. A proper John Sheppard smirk. "Hey, Rodney, where are we meeting them?"

"Down a few flights." Rodney waved at him, and moved past the two Colonels to lead the way. "So it went well?"

“I kept telling them I'm not going to remember everything all at once except the big stuff," John said, following him. "The Sweetheart recorded missions I flew so they are probably more accurate than my memory. Other things I'll just have to work on. Teyla didn't demand paperwork. Things tended to be made into stories."

"Teyla? Ronon? They’re still..." Lorne asked hopefully.

"Alive and procreating," John replied with a smile. "Ronon has a daughter named Melina and Teyla was pregnant when I left."

"Together or -- what happened?" Lorne smiled brightly at him when he asked that.

"Nah, Teyla was with Kaanan, an Athosian, and Ronon got friendly with a local as well," John explained. He glanced at him. "We hooked up with Ford again, but... lost him right at the end."

You didn't need to be a John Sheppard expert to hear the pain there.

He'd wanted so badly to find Ford, to find and _help_ him, bring him home. To have come so close and to have lost him. Rodney knew that was going to leave John hurting for a long time. He smirked while the two of them talked, just listening to the way John sounded.

The drawl was back, the sly humor. It was strange, but in an obscure way, John wasn't showing his vulnerability anywhere else except with him and Carson. That was a compliment, he guessed.

"Shit," Lorne said succinctly. "You found him though."

"Yeah. Met him while we took in a Genii strike force to take out the weapon that took out the Ancients. A Wraith clone factory. Stole their ZPM as well," John said as they headed down a couple of levels.

"And he was..." Lorne made a vague gesture towards his temple that Rodney hoped meant 'sane' but, he wasn't sure. Lorne hadn't known Ford the way they had, even if all of that time felt like a distant, strange memory. Seven years missing, almost, just to end up a confirmed KIA.

"I got him through withdrawal," John replied. "He didn't like me much for a bit but..." He shrugged. "I got him back. He took my place delivering the weapon that finished the Replicators in the end."

Because he'd always respected and followed John, but Rodney could almost hear the added 'and I don't know why' tacked onto the end of the sentence. "Because he wanted to," Rodney reminded while he stepped into the elevator.

"He told me to come home," John said in a low voice. "Thought that might be good advice."

He was quiet for the elevator ride downwards , even when they walked along the corridor to where the Ancient fighter was being scrutinized in a hanger. When they got in, there was a small crowd around the sleek shape of the uncloaked fighter, practically salivating, and John just beamed a little. "There she is."

Sweetheart. It didn't _look_ like a sweetheart to Rodney -- it looked more like an Ancient version of a dart -- cleaner lines, less organic in nature, but with that same long leading edge line as if friction was really an issue in the vacuum of space.

And of course, the ship had a hard on for John, because it practically glowed when he came in.

"Sheppard," Jack O'Neill turned around noticing him. "Hey, looking less like a walking undead, good going. I think Cam wants to have sex with your ship here."

"I'd have her babies," Cam said fervently.

That made John snort a little and glance at Rodney. "Sorry, think she's an ATA kinda gal."

"Ooo, shut down by yet another hot piece of tech. Sorry about that, Mitchell." Rodney started towards the ship, and caught sight of Radek looking backwards at them all from right up near one of the panels.

"Colonel Sheppard?" It was ridiculous, Radek had to have known, but even so he was acting as if he couldn't believe his eyes. Rodney wasn’t entirely sure who was more surprised when Radek approached John and gave him a rough embrace.

"Uh hi?"

"You were much missed, Colonel. Much. If not for Carson, Rodney would have been unbearable."

Rodney snorted, and stepped back to give them the space. He'd heard, sure, but there was hearing and seeing, and Radek was the surprise bear hug sort of guy. "I'll grab Carter. I think she's on the other side."

"What I want to know," Jack drawled, "is why the ship sounds so much like McKay?"

And John was blushing a bit. "It adapts to someone your mind finds compatible with the way you work." He said. "After a while of flying, I bet she would shift to a different voice for you, sir."

"Yeah, if I could get past the fact that the ship calls me 'moron'. I don't have to be flying a ship to get that kind of attitude around here, you know." Jack glanced over to McKay. "No offense."

"It's the truth. Carter, I've brought him down," Rodney called out, waving vaguely at her.

"I can see that, Rodney," Sam said. "Colonel Sheppard, good to see you again. Rodney filled us in on your idea and we'd like to get the hyperdrive crystal out and look at it, but your ship is being a bit reluctant. And it won't let us do a data download."

"She's sulking," Jack replied. "Whined a lot too." He looked over at Rodney.

"Sorry, I didn't really get chance to talk things over with her," John replied. "You want me to get in?" If he got one more piece of innuendo, Rodney was going to snap someone off at the knees.

"Please. Talk your ship into liking us," Jack bade.

"It's uh... hold on." John moved over to the ship and then clambered up her in a way that bespoke extreme familiarity, before being completely engulfed in the inside. Almost immediately instruments spiked readings and John's voice issued over their coms.

"She's a little unhappy, but pleased to see me. Rodney, she says she'll talk to you and Sam through the computer there and she'll only let me borrow the hyperdrive crystal if I promise to take her out to visit the planet a little more."

This was probably the strongest sense of an AI they'd ever met.

"Wheeling and dealing with sentient ships. All right, that sounds good enough for a start, John," Rodney agreed, glancing towards Sam.

The link was already there, but even so it was disturbing to see words appear on his screen.

~John says that I won't need to tell you off for being idiots as much as I do him,~ it wrote. ~Of course, he’s an idiot and deserves being told off. What are you wanting to do with my hyperdrive crystal? You do know it is crucial, right? Here I am, the only thing that stands between you and enemies that want to kill you all in horrible ways, and you want to effectively break my wings. I hope you all understand how _important_ my continued ability to function is."

Sam looked vaguely offended, but as far as Rodney could tell, if the ship was mimicking him, and it had Ancient knowledge backing it up, then it was something he could communicate with. He started to type back to the ship with quick motions on the pad. "We know. But we also need ZPMs to power the city and the weapons station, and we have a theory that we could use your hyperdrive crystal to recharge our drained ones."

~Oh really? Do you know how difficult that procedure is?~ the Sweetheart replied. ~If you crack the crystals it's not like I have a lot of spare. It might take me a long time to grow another. That won't help you if we're attacked in the meantime.~

"But John is right, there is a way to do it?” Sam cut in

~Well, yes, yes it's not exactly the most elegant way of doing things. A little like banging sticks together to make fire but I _suppose_ if the end result is what it is all about, then yes it can be done. Realistically you should have a quantum core crystal which allows multiple folds in a complex sequence, but a hyperdrive crystal can be used if you are feeling barbaric.~

"Sweetheart, stop being a snob,” John warned her.

~But John, really, you know how hard we had to work to preserve that crystal and it's not like we have the other one from the puddlejumper anymore.~

That was definitely a whine.

"We also don't have the basis to make a quantum core crystal," Rodney pointed out to Sweetheart. "Of course, if you want to help with creating a quantum core crystal..."

~That takes a lot of energy to create, it's not like they grow on trees!~ the AI of the Sweetheart replied. ~If it were _that_ easy to do, don't you think I might've had John make one. He's not a complete idiot, just, well mostly an idiot.~

Carter was obviously trying not to laugh, and John just looked like he was used to it.

"I’m not suggesting that it's easy to make one -- only that you could, possibly, help us if you're that concerned about the hyperdrive crystal."

"Sweetheart, just tell Rodney what needs to be done to get us some ZPM's," John said from inside the ship. "They might let us go flying when they have some defense power from a few of those."

~Fine~. The computer screen started filling with code and a constructed schematic that seemed to be evolving as they watched. He could see it. Not quite the same as what John had talked about, the flaws he had considered straight off being present, but the work around was...fantastic. John just described things spatially in motion and that was how it worked, with a constantly adapting set of algorithms that danced a fold and curve in space into existence. It would work, they could make it work.

With that a panel opened and a crystal glittered visibly inside the ship.

"Tell me you got all of that in the data feed, Sam," Rodney called, pulling away from the screen to reach for the crystal.

"We've got it," She said and she was beaming. "Do you know what this means? It means we stand a chance, we have… we have a chance. We need to get all those empties and see about refilling them and..."

She was overwhelmed, at a loss for words, even as O'Neill knocked on the side of the Sweetheart. "Can you let John out to play now? We've got some more talking to do."

~Hah, talking, that's all you do. Talk and talk while we do the fighting. John doesn't want to fight any more, neither does Atlantis, but _she_ at least knows what’s coming,~ the AI sent the message to them.

It made Rodney stand up slightly taller, his attention caught. "What's coming, exactly?"

~Your enemy of course. Oh yes, your sensors are nowhere near as efficient as those on Atlantis but I would've thought they were not blind.~

Radek started swearing under his breath and around him SG-1 straightened up, moving into alert mode.

"Okay, we need to know more about this. Sam?" O'Neill prompted.

"We're on it, Jack," Carter promised.

"Right. Can we get some kind of visualization of what threat you're talking about?" Rodney asked, even as he tried to tap into Sweetheart again.

~It would be easier if you just went up to Atlantis, although I suppose I _could_ work on a way to get her sensor data routed down here if John helps me out.~

Rodney turned, looked towards O'Neill. "Well, General?"

"Well, boys and girls, anyone feel like a day trip to the not so lost city of Atlantis?" He said, looking around. "Yes, I know, Daniel, you want to have its babies, and I think I know how you will be voting. Foregone conclusion then. Let’s see if we can persuade Caldwell and his merry band to give us a lift."

And just like that his day at the SGC was getting a lot more exotic.

* * *

The irony of human nature was that during periods of time when they really had no time to lose, they insisted on wasting it in meetings.

Carson noticed the various senior members of the SGC around him looking disheveled and anxious. Atlantis had proven that the AI of the Sweetheart was correct. There was an Ori fleet on the way to Earth and not a lot was standing in their way.

"It's not like we have much of a choice," O'Neill said. "Fight or die are pretty familiar odds. We can get the Asgard backing us, but even so, our main resource is going to be Antarctica and Atlantis, and the Swee- the fighter plane. Problem is..."

Carson was way ahead of him on the problem. Natural Gene holders were really needed for that level of interaction.

And while there were plenty of non-natural gene holders, few of them were fluent in the systems. There was Rodney, of course, but if something had batteries and wires, Rodney was well past ready to master it.

"We just don't have enough people to go around who can work those systems. I can take one, Sheppard can take one, but..."

“You shouldn't be asking John to do anything," Carson said frowning, glancing over at John. He'd admitted being scared of having to fight but in this meeting had been all but silent, resigned even.

"How many people do we have who have successfully used a command chair?" Sam asked.

O’Neill raised his hand in a little wave, John followed suit and with a sigh, Carson raised his hand. He hadn't wanted to, but he had controlled Atlantis.

From the looks everyone gave him, they had all forgotten about that. He complained about it and looked ready to crap himself but he did do it. Rodney cocked an eyebrow at him. "I've used the command chair, too, but not in a wartime situation, so..." Rodney waved at them. "There's three of you and three seats to be filled, and we have incoming in ten hours."

"Don't suppose your fighter would adapt to me?" Jack asked, looking at John and Carson knew that the fact he called it 'your fighter' probably answered the question.

John shrugged. "Probably not"

"Dammit." O’Neill answered and glanced at Carson. "You've both used Atlantis before? Your aim from Antarctica sucked Dr. Beckett," he said finally. "So, that answers it. You get Atlantis, Sheppard gets the ...Sweetheart and I'll take Antarctica. At least I have experience with that and McKay can make it do whatever it can. Cam, you up to taking the fighters out of the Daedalus?"

"Sure." The other pilot glanced at John, obviously unnerved by his lack of reaction.

"Do that. Sam, up to you where you think you are best suited, and Teal'c, any of the Jaffa you've got tucked up your sleeve would be really useful to find right about now."

"I will speak to the other Jaffa, O'Neill."

"Wait, where am I going?" Rodney asked, sitting up a little straighter, looking sideways at Carson as if he was only just now doing the math.

"Atlantis with Doctor Beckett. You stand the best chance of getting heavy duty weaponry going," O’Neill said.

Hell. They'd always tried to not be in the same off world location together, because if something went wrong, well, Alex. But it was the Ori and that meant the whole world…

"Fine, yes. Anything else we can discuss to wrap this meeting up, or can we move on?"

"Consider yourself dismissed." Jack said, getting up. "We'll beam you up when they get close enough." Asgard technology could be useful at least. Thank goodness they still had them around.

Rodney rubbed at his face, watching Carson and John, glancing back in forth between them, but it wasn't as if they could _do_ anything more than try to figure out what to do with Alex.

Carson sighed a little as the others left the room. "Are you all okay?" he said in a low voice until he was sure everyone had gone. "John? I haven't heard you say hardly anything."

John glanced at him as well, and then Rodney. "I, I've never been like this. Not sure if I can do it."

It seemed normal for Rodney to reach a hand out to him, holding his shoulder for a moment. "You can, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart and not the part of me who's afraid of dying. You're a pilot, John."

John shook his head. "It's not that. Not the flying. It's..."

Carson could see John was finding this hard and had heard him express concerns before.

"I think if I do this, I'm gonna lose it. Completely. If something happens to any of you,I don't have that stop button handy anymore."

"Nothing's going to happen to us." Rodney cleared his throat, and added, "If we fight, the worst case is the same as if we don't fight."

"The main question is, what about Alex? Logically, he ought to be with Jeannie," Carson said, looking at them both. "The only way to get him there is to have him beamed there or Jeannie beamed here. Would they send Jeannie to an Alpha site?”

"They might. I can call her, see if she's been contacted about that or to call me if she is, and I have no idea what to do with Alex, because this is..." Big, bad, all of the above. Rodney reached for the phone in his pocket.

"He's got to be safe," John murmured, looking up at them both and Carson knew then they all felt exactly the same way. He was putting his fear of using weapons systems and actually fighting to one side because of his family. Rodney no doubt would do the same.

"Are we doing Alpha site evacs now?" Rodney asked, tilting his head. "Was the school on the list for that to start with?"

Carson cleared his throat. "You know, Rodney's probably right. I think that the school is part of the evac list. It would be hard to get SGC people to leave Earth without their children. But I'm not sure about Jeannie." And there wasn't a lot of other choice in the matter about who they could contact and get to in ten hours.

"Calling her now," Rodney said, waving them off and pacing a little away from John and Carson.

"We're all going up," John noted, looking tense.

"Aye well, I'm a little worried that I'm not going to be up to the task either," Carson murmured. "Seriously, I know you coached me through basic Chair protocols and flying a puddlejumper, but that's it. I'm not a fighter, John."

"I thought I'd get some more rest before I had to go it again." John shrugged, watching Rodney's back while Rodney made his call to Jeannie. "I forgot that the SGC doesn't care how ready you are."

"We care," Carson said seriously and rested a soothing hand on John's shoulders. He was tight, and twitchy and Carson started to get a bad feeling about what they were doing. "John, if you can't then, don't. The Asgard owe me favors, maybe we could find some sort of sanctuary there."

"On another planet." John lifted his chin, and was already starting to shake his head. "I can't just walk away from a fight this big, but I'm allowed to not want to be here."

He had to admit that it wasn't like the John he knew, the one he remembered. He had been the first at the front of the fighting. But, that John hadn't experienced the battle fatigue of 5 hard years fighting a war with no support from a close family. Actually that was doing Teyla and Ronon a disservice, but the state of John when he had returned not even a month before told him John had become intensely focused on everything apart from himself.

"John..." Carson touched his neck and hair in a way that had become easy from the times they lured him in to sleep with them.

"No, no, it'll be fine. I'll… Go up in Sweetheart and do what I can. She's a good ship. And you and Rodney will go to Atlantis..."

"And do what I can," Carson said. "You're going to come back to us, and Rodney's going to keep us all alive, because that's what Rodney does, understand. And then we can be a family as we planned. Get a bigger bed."

"Shhh." John cast a glance over his shoulder towards the door. "I'm still waiting for DADT to kick in, and now wouldn't be the best time."

Carson chuckled. "Unofficially, that's not a big problem at the SGC anymore. Now that General O'Neill is basically dictating policy."

It wasn't like everyone knew about him and Jackson, and his team. And then there was the matter of their allies thinking them dangerously backwards in limiting their acceptance to male-female only. The Asgard were strongly backing multiple partners in all combinations now that they had their reproductive drive back.

It was hard to be so sternly one way without accidentally offending people, so there was a good chance that John could keep just being himself. Wondering where Alex was and if he was all right and worrying about all of them, as long as they all survived.

"She's on the list," Rodney confirmed as he came over to them.

"Thank god," Carson felt a surge of relief. They could trust Jeannie with Alex at least and he cared for all of his extended family. "What say we all go and explain things to Alex? Then make sure we are all ready to go?"

"Right. I'd rather do that than sit around here and mope and plot and get talked at." Rodney was moving decisively, worry tucked away better than Carson had really expected.

It was risk or death, either way, and Carson hated that they were going to have to explain that to Alex, along with what was going on and where he was going.

Putting him in the school linked to the SGC had been a good idea.

* * *

This was crazy. It felt familiar, this building towards battle, but the fear wasn't normal. It felt all consuming, like if it went on and on, dying would be a merciful way to stop it. He'd always had what he felt was a healthy level of fear before any sort of action; kept you busy, kept you sharp and alive, but this was something choking and terrible.

And it was only the stronger fear of losing Rodney, losing Carson and Alex that was pushing him forward.

Alex was picking up on the anxiety in the SGC as the kids were brought down to be prepared for evacuation.

It was hard to say goodbye to him, and he was clearly distressed, even if he and Rodney and Carson were shuffling Alex off to the side to talk to him, to try to reassure him. They had the time to waste for that, but there was no chance for Alex to go home and pack himself a bag. They just had to _go_.

"I, I, where are we _going_?"

"Alex, love," Carson murmured, crouching down next to his son. "You are going with your Auntie Jeannie okay? You won't be alone. You are going to a very special, different place and hopefully it will only be for a short while.

"She'll be right there with you. And Madison and Uncle Kaleb, too, all right? Like a big family vacation, except, uh..." Rodney faltered, and leaned in to ruffle Alex's hair. "Well, when you come back we'll all be here waiting for you, is the difference."

Alex was looking at him, and John could _see_ the moment where he worked things out. "You're not coming with me?" he asked his voice wobbling as he decided that clinging to Rodney's leg was the way to go. "I want you to come with me! You, and Carson and John. I want _you_.

"I know, I know, but we have to do things for work, and it's very important. More important than we can talk about, but you'll be back soon and..." And Rodney shifted, looking at Carson and then Alex, as if he was trying to work out a way to pry Alex off of him so he could get down to his level, too.

"Alex," Carson crouched, reaching to touch him and Alex turned and limpeted onto him instead, obviously trying not to cry.

"You told me work was never more important than me," Alex managed, combining tearfulness with a stubborn set to his expression. "So I want you to come!"

Rodney leaned in, rubbing at Alex's back, and helping Carson to stand up with Alex still clinging to him. "No, no, it's not more important than you, Alex, but this is life or death. John has to go fly his ship, and we do, too."

John had a feeling he might actually know more about this than Carson or Rodney, which seemed strange. He'd lost his ex-wife due to not being able to explain enough and he wasn't going to lose Alex to that or put Rodney and Carson through a lot of anxiety. "Can Alex and I talk a moment?"

Rodney glanced at him, and then patted at Alex's back, reaching to hand him over from Carson for a handover to John. "Sure. We'll just be uh, over here. Jeannie and them are coming soon, so we'll just find them, and uh..."

John nodded as Carson kissed Alex and passed him over. Alex seemed just as keen to cling to him as he was to his other two dads. He picked him up then, and sat down.

"Alex, I'm gonna talk to you man to man about this, okay?" he said. "Because your dads are protecting you, and I've got more experience in being in this position. I'm going to tell you the truth about things as best I can because that's what's best at the end of the day."

The Athosian kids were never spared the details. No one pretended to them that their parents would always be there. What they promised was that their _family_ would always be there, which was one reason why Teyla's family ties had been so complicated. John sincerely doubted that there would ever be a true orphan among the Athosians.

Not as long as there were Athosians and Athosian allies.

Alex sniffed, but he held onto John like the world was ending, even as John sat with him on the floor in the corner. "Okay..."

"Believe me when I tell you none of us want to leave you,” John murmured. "Not your Dad, Carson or me. But, here's the thing. Your Dad is the best at what he does, so is Carson, and I guess they need me as well because there is something about us that allows us to do things no one else can. You understand that?"

It was actually helping him settle some things in his own head.

"But _why_ and where are we going? Why can't I stay with you?" Because Rodney wouldn't be able to concentrate if Alex was on the city with them. Because there was no room in the Sweetheart, and it was way too dangerous.

"Because we need to know you are safe so we can keep everyone safe, Alex," John replied. "That's what we do. We try and save lives, each of us in different ways. If you were here, we would be worrying about whether you were safe and that would make it difficult to concentrate. We've got to protect you, all your friends, their families, everyone out there. This is a big serious thing, and they know that if we thought you were in danger, the three of us...well, you know how worried your dads get. So they are sending you somewhere secret, out of the way. I don't know exactly where because... well they don't tell the people staying behind just in case..."

Just in case they were captured and tortured. They just knew it as the Alpha site.

One of the many. It was a safety thing. "But if you don't know where I am, how will you know how to get me home?" There was a drawn out whine on the word home, Alex grasping at straws of questions.

"When everything is safe here, we will know, and the people there with you will know how to come home," John answered. "Alex, look, it's going to be hard on all of us, but you have your Auntie Jeannie and there are some kids there who won't have anyone. I want you to be brave for them, okay? Brave like your Dad is brave and Carson. It's hard, but it will make it easier for them and when they come back they will be so proud of you."

John wasn't sure how Alex was going to react. He was smart, sure, but he was also reactive and fairly emotional, which John guessed was normal for a four year old, genius or not. He still wasn't really expecting the mixed reaction that he got. "I don't want to go, but I will, but you _have_ to come get me, I don't want to be brave, I want to be home."

John looked at him and with an almost terrifying rush, realized that summed up his own emotions perfectly. He knew he shouldn't promise. He knew it was dangerous to promise something like that because the odds were things weren't going to work out for all of them. But he looked at Alex and nodded. "I promise, Alex. For you, I promise."

And if he was wrong, Alex was probably going to hate him forever. John guessed that he had Rodney's ability to nurse a grudge. But Alex leaned in, hugged him tightly again, and John felt a hand loose on his shoulder. "Alex, they want you to go through now. Aunt Jeannie's here."

The feeling of his _son_ against him lingered even as Alex let himself be taken by Carson and hugged him, as well, saving a special nearly tearful hug for Rodney.

John didn't want to watch Rodney become so emotional, but he couldn't help it. He'd stayed alive for five years so he could come home to Rodney and now, only now when he was about to lose everything again was he realizing they were offering everything and more of what he had hoped for.

No pressure, no requests, no demands, no nothing except that he be himself. "Okay, here we go," Rodney mumbled against his hair. "And this carrying you thing, this is special circumstances, you understand, because you're far too big a boy to be carried, but... Be good, all right? Listen to your Aunt Jeannie and you'll be back home with us in no time at all."

He couldn't hear if Alex said anything but he was willing to bet it was along the lines of "I love you, Dad," and he watched as Rodney carried him, held him for as long as he could despite his talk of it being special circumstances, before Jeannie came, gave her brother a kiss, and Carson and then to John's surprise him as well, murmuring fiercely, "You bring them all home, and you, too, John," in his ear before pulling away.

If she could get him from beyond the grave, John was willing to bet that she would.

There was no chance to answer, to reassure her, but John knew she wouldn't have appreciated it. He barely caught sight of the wonder on Alex's face while they approached the gate, and he wished he could have seen his face instead of the back of his head when they stepped through.

"Are you alright, John?" Carson murmured, resting a hand on his shoulder, even as he corralled Rodney with his other arm to pull him in. "Thank you for talking with, Alex."

He shrugged a little. "Figured I had more experience with that sort of thing. The Athosians had to do that sort of thing all the time."

"I don't ever want to do that again," Rodney muttered, leaning in to Carson. "That was why I never wanted a family, because _that_ part of things is hell. But the Alpha site, it's best."

"They'll be safe there," John answered. "Safer than anywhere on Earth. If the invasion gets close, there is no way that this, our whole lives are going to not come out." That was the bright side if they survived.

"Aye, well I think they are hoping to head them off. We'll have to go soon," Carson said, looking at him. "John..."

Crap, he recognized that look. It was Carson's 'Don't do anything stupid' look.

He might have a point, in a maybe kind of way, but John started to shake his head, trying to cut Carson off before Rodney spoke up. "Be safe. Don't go up there and do any of your impossible things to get yourself killed."

"Just a day for impossible promises, huh?" John answered, trying to make it light but that didn't exactly work.

Carson turned to him, stepped close and said with an intensity that nearly shocked him "You are going to come back and then we're going to _show_ you with practical demonstrations exactly how we love you. If you bloody well get yourself killed, between Rodney, Alex and myself, we will find a way to damn well bring you back! Understand?"

"If I have to rig a time travel device to keep Alex from being traumatized, John Sheppard, I will." Rodney's comment could've been light or he could've meant it seriously, and he wasn't blinking.

"Hey, I've made it so far," John replied defensively. "Don't I get credit for that?"

Carson smiled a little. "Okay, _some_ credit."

"Besides, you're the guys flying a CITY. Bigger target. I'm going to be covering you," John deflected.

"Shields," Rodney pointed out. "You said the city has how many ZPMs?"

"Full complement from the Replicators. They fuelled her up for us, before I got her back," John said and smiled a little. "I'm pretty sure between the two of you, you can do something with that advantage."

He was sure they would. He just hoped the Sweetheart would be as effective against the Ori as it had been against the Wraith and the Replicators.

From the smile that crossed Rodney's mouth at that news, John had a good bet that maybe at least the city could.

* * *

He kept fighting a disorientating sense of déjà vu as the Sweetheart swept through space. John guessed his one and only level of slack given to him was that they were the last line of defense. Himself, O'Neill, Carson and Rodney. The Asgard, the Tok'ra, all those who had been fighting the pernicious effects of Origin and the unstoppable force of the Orici had surged to meet their enemy as far as they could away from Earth.

Things were not going well. Despite everything they were still coming. Despite the Sangraal, despite the destruction of all bar Adria, they were throwing everything they had at them as if converting or finishing Earth was the key to the galaxy.

He felt the proximity of their forces and twitched a little inwardly. Once he started he might not be able to stop. They thought he was afraid of fighting. He was, but because he didn't trust himself to know the limits any more.

"Okay, kids," O’Neill’s voice drawled over the communications channel. "Looks like we're up. Hope to hell you all remember how to shoot straight."

"Says the eldery paper pusher," Rodney muttered. John could hear the faint sounds of Atlantis on the background noise of the com, hums and undercurrents that made John's blood hum.

"Aye, well, I'll be trying not to shoot you, John," he heard Carson say. "Although if the Asgard can't get through them I don't know..."

"Carson, you haven't seen what this beauty can do," John replied twisting and spinning in space as the Ori fleet appeared. It would take learning their weak points fast, but the Sweetheart was a prototype. Advanced even by Ancient standards.

"Rodney says a fully charged Atlantis has a few tricks up her sleeves as well."

"Less chit-chat, more saving the universe," Jack cut in.

"Unlike perhaps you, I can talk _and_ work at the same time." John could hear the irritation. "Okay, we're working on the weapons devices here, the drones can be tweaked with a 'bore' setting, Zelenka, are you getting that?"

"Yes, Yes. I am modifying the general's drones now, Rodney," Radek replied and that was somehow comforting because John had just seen exactly how many ships were heading his way.

"Shit! Incoming!" And just like that he kicked it into gear, the Sweetheart blazing around him with all of Rodney's brilliance and his own stupid recklessness.

And he cut through their fighters like a hot knife through butter.

* * *

Too much to do and not enough time to do it while Carson struggled to steer the ship towards their rendezvous point, just towards the edge of the solar system.

"How's he doing?" Carson asked again, still with his eyes closed. He was perspiring already and Rodney could only think that this battle better not go on too long.

Carson was prepping up drones to fire in swarms, he could see that much from the read out even as they drew close to the fighting. It was funny how much of it was waiting, just waiting for the opportunity to fire all of the weapons he'd set up. "He's doing well, from the readings. The city's got a tight tracking on the ship."

"We're nearly in range," Carson answered, and he could tell Carson didn't want to do this, any of this but he knew him. He'd do it if he had to, and right now they had no choice. "Here we go."

And the first salvo of drones were away, Carson mentally guiding them to their targets and immediately the first readings started coming back from his tweaked drones.

Not all of the readings were good, but Rodney could work with that. "Radek, I'm changing the drone's settings, these aren't the most effective things we could be using. Half of them were absorbed by shields, okay, okay, next set going through..."

"There are many of them. Many more than we thought," Radek answered. "Where are our allies?"

There was the Daedalus, falling back, the Apollo. There were the Asgard mother ships, one of them failing rapidly. There were the Tok’ra ha'taks, and as he watched one exploded. It was a pitiful handful of those that had set out.

Swarms of golden drones rose up from the Earth beneath them as the first Ori cruisers made a rush for them.

"Rodney! Watch your back, tell Carson he's being flanked," John practically snapped through the comm link. "You're in _space_ , the attack vector is three dimensional!"

"Carson, beside you! Open the sensors out all the way!" He snapped it, even as he tried to facilitate that with the input through the laptop.

"Holy Mother of..." Atlantis flinched even as Carson did and suddenly the sensors were pouring in information which he really didn't like. "Fuck! We're surrounded, Rodney!"

There was a hint of panic in his tone even as he launched the drones to swarm around them like a deadly golden shield.

"Bad tactic, bad tactic, Carson, Carson, here..." Rodney expanded the shields in a surge, smashing out at the nearest ships before they compressed to where they'd been.

"Oh my god, oh my god..." Carson was shaking. "I nearly killed us! This...this is why I hate using weapons!"

But he was sending those drones outwards now, even as he looked like he was going pale with shock.

"Good move," John’s voice said calmly enough. "You got a couple of cruisers."

"Just target the nearest ship to us first," Rodney advised as calmly as he could. "And I'll work on the defenses here."

"Right...Right," Carson settled down a little, rattled by that close call and started doing as Rodney instructed.

"He's doing good," John's voice murmured in his ear, as if he couldn't see the intricate flying he was doing on the screens. "It's not easy to orientate yourself like that in space the first time. You guys can exploit that as well as they can you know."

"You're doing good, too, out there," Rodney muttered back, glancing down at his screen. "Okay, Carson, flank them that way, and..."

"It's not easy steering this thing..." Carson protested but he followed Rodney's projected line and started firing in a more organized fashion.

"That's it doc," O’Neill’s voice commented. "We're getting some of the cruisers down at least."

"Need a few more than some," John answered and he could just be at home sitting on the couch for all the inflection in his voice.

Rodney knew that was a horrible, dirty lie, but he let it slide, let John get away with it "Working on it. The shielding they have is fantastic, if we could just knock two of them into each other somehow..."

"You wanna try that?" John asked. "All I need is one weakness in those shields and we'll have them."

"Speak for yourself," Carson muttered, eyes still closed. "Okay, look... there, what do I have that will force them over? Weapons, I need something with ...punch."

Abruptly in response to his request, an array of different options were popping up. Different armaments he had never seen before. Bigger weapons, heavier duty, heavier payload than he'd seen before.

"Wow, that's..." Not something he had seen before. Atlantis wasn't the type of city to take a walk in space unprotected obviously.

"This feels like a big gun," Carson said. "Do I fire? I mean..." He sounded hesitant.

"Pick a target, a cruiser, lock on and try it," John answered. "It works."

Carson's face screwed up in concentration as what appeared to be a cannon, charged. He looked almost in pain from the kickback of the weapon discharge that even he felt. Carson was panting as if he lifted a car singlehandedly, but...

"That's a helluva peashooter you've got there, Atlantis," O’Neill commented as the blast cracked a shield and ripped through a cruiser. "Could've used that from the start."

"That has a kick to it," Carson panted.

Rodney checked his read outs. The big cannon had a time delay of a few minutes to recharge. He had no idea how long it was going take to recharge Carson.

"Data from cruiser destruction," Zelenka spoke up from Antarctica. "Patterns analysis. Uploading now."

There was the data and he heard John's soft huff. "Sweetheart and I are recalibrating to exploit that information. Thanks Dr. Z."

Time had been when it had been him doing those recalibrations.

But John had learned, had to learn to act as if he was the only person fighting, only one out there capable of making things happen and Rodney was worried that he would do something stupid and reckless and archetypal John Sheppard because he lost himself in the role of martyr.

"You're ready for another super cannon shot," he told Carson.

"Bloody hell..." His partner nevertheless focused again, and with the same intensity, loosed another devastating shot that left him gasping and wheezing once more.

"Great," Rodney mutter. Only another hundred plus of those and they'd have this battle licked.

It was going to be a long hard fight.

* * *

O'Neill's cussing was growing louder and louder, astonishingly so. Radek did not think he'd heard such sharp words from the man before, and O'Neill was an officer known for his command of the more vulgar aspects of English. And a little German.

That still did not make it Radek's fault that the Drones were the only weapon available to Atlantus.

"Doc, I'm running low here, and there's nothing I hate more than running out of ammunition half-way through a battle," the General said directly to him.

Half way? They had been fighting for hours already and for all their hits, Colonel Sheppard, Dr. Becket and Rodney's efforts, they were being swamped by sheer numbers. Especially since the Ori were trying to take out that 'super cannon' with everything they had.

Thankfully a city with three ZPMs could at least hold its own in terms of shields, but Rodney suggested that they had 48 hours at the most and that he'd pass out before that happened, so they needed some kind of victory _before_ they all died.

"I cannot build more!"

"There's got to be something else here!" O’Neill said twisting his head to look at him. "Drones can't be it. Seriously."

"Mine did not activate until I thought about it," Carson's voice sounded like he was exhausted and that was bad news as well. "Wait...picking up something on sensors."

Radek started pulling down what data he could from Atlantis's sensors, transferring them to Atlantus. "Do you hear that, General? Think harder!"

"Not the most helpful suggestion," O’Neill said and he was concentrating so hard, the muscles on his neck stood out taut and cord lean.

"McKay?" Colonel Sheppard's voice sounded tighter than it had, and Radek had no idea how it was he had done what he had managed to do in all that flying, hour after hour, death at every turn. "What the hell is that thing and where did it come from?"

"Hyperspace. Seemed it was a little heavier than the rest of the equipment, and what I'd do for a nuke or twelve right now. O'Neill, any help there?"

"Nearly out of drones here, and...there's something here but not sure if it's going to function in time," O’Neill replied and swore again. The Ori Mother ship was firing on Atlantis and he could see the hit.

"Fall back!" John shouted over the comm. "Dammit, Carson, Rodney fall back towards the planet."

"Fall back with what? It's a _ship_ , and if I touch the Pacific at any speed at all, people drown!"

“I've.. .I've got a charge ready." Carson managed over the increasing babble on the radios.

Radek could hear him strain and the shot was fired and...

Direct hit, but not a dent in the shields.

"Goddamit!" O'Neill said and a swarm of drones rose up trying to target the Mothership.

And now it was going to fire, and there was nothing they could do to stop it.

Whether in sheer luck or surprising skill, Atlantis wheeled and slid away from the beam, clipping it on the shield just a little, and the shot piercing Earth's atmosphere to impact on the planet below - fortunately in the middle of the Pacific.

But still, still, and the City moved to put itself between the planet and the mothership and Radek could hear Rodney cussing and Carson straining and it was all going to hell.

Earth was going to fall.

* * *

All his experience, all his worry and it was going to end like this. The Ori mothership fired again and again hitting Earth or hitting Atlantis and he needed to find a way to take it out.

Atlantis took another bad hit and he saw part of the shield fail and fear and adrenalin kicked in. "Rodney? Carson! Respond!"

"Working on the shields here, can't push back right now," Rodney snapped through the comm. "We need to crack that shield, I'm trying a different frequency..."

He tried to give them cover, he blew cruisers out of the skies one after another. He saw the Daedalus limp past and try its nukes, only to have them detonate in space. It wasn't working, none of it was working and they had to take it out.

And there it was, he knew how to do it. The Sweetheart could pierce the shield like he had back on Atlantis. Push through and detonate and he...

No, he'd promised Alex. He'd promised Alex he’d come back for him. Carson and Rodney too. It wasn't so simple any more.

~You know, I'm not without my perks,~ the Sweetheart said. ~There is such a thing as an escape pod on board.~

For some reason that surprised him. ~Really? But what about you?~

~Well obviously for me as well. You've have to build a new body which might take time, but I'm not self-destructive as a rule, thank you very much.~

~Is it an escape pod that will stand an explosion of that thing?~ John asked.

~Well... difficult to say. Hopefully. It's more of a force field bubble as much as anything else. I cannot guarantee we will be unscathed,~ the Sweetheart replied. ~ You want to try it?~

He could hear Rodney and Carson getting more and more frantic, and he was sure he heard one of them make a noise of pain after the last hit.

~Yes.~ Yes, because he needed to be there, needed to get through it, needed to see who was hurt and how badly and what had happened, and if the mission ever went public and a thousand other things and _save Earth_.

It was try it or dying in a suicidal move anyway. Maybe living or guaranteed death.

The Sweetheart began the calculations, flashing through his mind until he knew exactly where to hit, how fast to hit.

"Rodney, you got that shield up?" He asked, wanting to say So long, Rodney, I love you, Rodney, Tell Alex I love him too, but he couldn't. Couldn't because that would make this suicide and it wasn't that. "You're going to need it."

They swooped outwards in an arc to reorient on the Mothership.

"It's up again, it's, no, no, no, no, what the hell are you doing, John, John, we can't, I am _not_ going to your funeral if you do this. Carson, fire these drones at the Ori ship, they might work this time, John just..."

No goodbyes and maybe Rodney would understand that it meant he was going to try to survive. He was going to purge out this restless uncontrolled feeling in him and do what he had to do right here and now before more lives were lost.

He saw the hail of drones and they did just what he needed, set the shield to fluctuating and then he kicked it into high gear and set the Sweetheart on a collision course with the Ori Mother Ship.

So fast, too fast and he had to pray that the Sweetheart had been right because to him it was a blur of light, a shout in his comm link and then nothing but white, white light through closed eyes.

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

Gone.

The Ori Mothership or whatever the hell the official term the Ori had for it (and it probably involved some use of the word 'Ori'. Oriship, or something). And the cruisers were turning, slowly... Away.

The explosion had taken out a fair proportion of those that had been clustered around it, and between all of the defenders of Earth, they had knocked a substantial hole in the substantial fleet.

Maybe with the death of the Orici, the spell had been broken. Gone.

John was gone. He'd finally fucking well done it.

"Carson. Hey..." He turned his attention to Carson even as he tapped rapidly on the tablet he was working off of to see what else was close and threatening.

Carson wasn't really focusing that well. Rodney wasn't entirely sure how much energy it took out of someone flying a city around, or firing Ancient weapons, but from the look of Carson it was a lot. And Carson wasn't unaware of what had happened either. Even as he lay in the chair, practically gasping for breath like a terminal pneumonia patient, Rodney could see the damp around his eyes.

"John?" he managed, as it was a short syllable and Carson always tried to hope for the best.

"Sweetheart got through the shielding," Rodney murmured, still tapping away at the tablet. "You're wiped out -- here, let me take the chair so we have a hope in hell of, I don't know, he didn't say goodbye."

"What?" Carson opened his eyes which were bloodshot with burst capillaries. "Hope in hell of...what?"

"I don't know. Just get up, get up." He waved at Carson, frowning. "You're exhausted and you need to rest and I need to see if I can expand the sensors, because he should have at least said 'goodbye'."

When he'd done this sort of thing before, there had always been 'So long, Rodney,' or something...

But this time nothing, and that wasn't normal John Sheppard. Maybe he'd lost it like he had worried about or maybe something else had happened.

Carson slid, almost literally from the chair. His legs didn't support him and he fell heavy against Rodney, slumping to the floor.

"Atlantis, what happened up there?" O'Neill asked. "We've got a retreat going on from the looks of it."

"Sweetheart plummeted through the shield and took out the Mothership," Rodney offered snappishly, still holding Carson up, trying to at least ease him down. "We could use some backup. Are we leaving the city out here at the Lagrange point, or?"

"Park it wherever you want. We've blown secrecy out of the water," Jack answered. "I've been fighting those damn things that got past you guys over cities. No way we're going to shrug that one off." There was a pause. "Sheppard flying that fighter?"

Carson batted at him. "If you think…think there's a chance just get in the chair, Rodney..." he wheezed.

He started to ease Carson down onto the floor. "Right, right. If I park it in the ocean, we're going to cause a water displacement issue and can we just figure the sort of rights and property shit before we park a giant _city_ somewhere?" Even as he snapped at O’Neill, he got into the chair.

"Fine, leave Atlantis in orbit. I think what's left of the Daedalus is going to be trying to dock," O’Neill said.

There was more power in this Atlantis, even after the battle. He could feel the areas of damage and the systems already starting to repair. It was nearly overwhelming in comparison to the data it had given them before it had been repaired.

Sensors, sensors... Forget everything and everyone except sensors. There. All he had to do was sweep the area.

"I'm just saying that the IOA is going to want to argue it to death and they have a long list of things to argue first. Docking Daedalus, and..."

There was a ding, a life sign, maybe a pod, a piece of something surviving in the debris. "Does the Daedalus have teleportation still?"

"We can beam, Dr. McKay," Caldwell's voice sounded roughed and cracked somehow. The Daedalus had experienced a tough battle. "Something out there to beam?"

"Life sign. I'm sending you the coordinates now, I want you to take it in. May or may not be a threat, so..." Rodney leaned his head back in the chair, trying to guide the ship to that point where it could safely hang in orbit.

"Locking on."

The life sign abruptly stopped spinning in space and dissapeared.

"Atlantis, it's Colonel Sheppard," Caldwell said after what seemed like a pause forever. "He's a...he's in a force field bubble of some kind. Can't see what sort of condition he's in but he's not responding -- and we can't deactivate the shield."

"Have you tried talking to it?" Rodney had to struggle to not surge out of the chair. "Can you beam it here, because I can't get there."

"We can. We'll send over some of the medical staff as well. In your own time, Hermiod..."

After a pause, there was a shimmer of light and it appeared in front of them, like an energy version of a hamster ball with John half curled inside. It looked like he'd been bounced around a fair amount.

Son of a bitch. Rodney leaned up, trying to reach for the ball with his mind. "Carson? You still there?

"Aye..." Carson was pulling himself up. "Are you having any luck? I think I can see him breathing."

Nothing. He wasn't even sure he was reaching for the right thing, trying to get the 'ball' to react. There had to be a better term for it than a ball. Escape pod, maybe, but that still wasn't going to be anything that the Ancients had called it. Maybe the approximation would work.

"Right, I think you need a bit of the natural gene to help you along," Carson said. "Can I get on there with you?"

It was obviously taking him a lot of effort to just stand. Rodney left the ship navigating on its own, and he stood up as quickly as he could to help Carson up. "After this, I think we all deserve a nap."

"I think I might pass out for a week," Carson said, half falling against him. "Right, I've got the gene, you've got the expertise, so if this works, I'll try and keep my thoughts passive so you can work on it. Get us into the chair, love."

"Us?" Rodney held him tight, as close as he could, and shifted to haul Carson and himself into the chair. It wouldn't activate like usual, probably, but it was worth a try.

"I haven't got a brain in my head right now to focus on anything." Carson said as they lowered down. "But, I figure it should work..."

And the chair activated, and amazingly it did seem to work. He could feel more of the functions, he could feel Carson there, feel his mind wrapped around him and it was indescribable.

It was fascinating, and he wished he could wallow in it, explore the usefulness of it as he tried to reach out towards the energy ball one more time.

This time it was different. More information flooding though to him tinted with the solid presence of Carson, his bright, intense relief and love for him. It was a little distracting, but Rodney was able to use the information to create a "key" to unlock the shield.

It wasn't a naturally compatible system, but the Sweetheart had been a prototype, and there was no telling if it was attached to Atlantis or one of the other outpost cities that existed in Pegasus. He could feel when the shield fell away and let John out.

His air must've been getting a little low in there because he looked pale and still, but the influx of fresh air saw John inhale and then cough, and cough again loudly.

Carson was trying to move again, to get to him, even though medical staff were being beamed over.

Rodney stood up, trying to help Carson to stand again, moving faster than the chair could. "Hey, John, John, you, we thought you'd killed yourself."

"Ow..." John groaned and rolled a little. "...promised Alex I'd come back," he managed.

"Just stay there, they're probably going to want to stabilize your back and..." Rodney waved a hand, concentrating on keeping Carson on his feet. "Can we call the backup crew in to handle this stuff now? I know Lorne has the gene, has anyone seen him?"

"We'll get someone there," Caldwell said. "You let them take you to the Infirmary. We'll do mop up."

"Sure," O’Neill’s voice broke in. "Congratulations, kids, you saved the world, possibly two galaxies. Sheppard, you're making that a habit."

"If I say 'tada', am I disqualified from any medals?" John moved in a way that looked painful, and Rodney was just waiting for someone to take them to the infirmary, because standing there and holding onto Carson was about his limit.

"I'll give you my own personal award for undue sarcasm under fire," O’Neill replied. "Now, for cryin' out loud just go to the Infirmary will you?"

"Once I can move," John agreed, and he lifted one hand to get his earpiece off.

Just when the medical team arrived.

Thank God, they could rest now. And soon, they could go home and see Alex and in defiance of all the odds, it would be all of them going home this time.

* * *

The fact was that John hadn't been exactly sure how things had worked out like this. Somewhere in proceedings he'd floated in space with only a force field around him, tossed around so he was battered and bruised, ended up on Atlantis, ended up in the Infirmary. Somewhere in there sleeping had happened even while people were moving him around.

Carson had been completely wiped out. Rodney had been ignoring a few injuries and it had all caught up with all of them.

Eventually though, they got sent home because the base was under siege by reporters.

It was easier to get out. Get out and take Jeannie and Caleb and Madison and Alex home. Rodney had driven, against all odds and sanity, and the car had been packed. John was pretty sure that neither of the kids had been seat belted in, held close on laps for the duration of the ride home, with Rodney muttering about needing a party van if they were going to keep doing that.

Unsurprisingly Alex had been a clingy, a lot clingy in fact. Worried enough and upset even though everyone was all right, that Carson had given in and doled out a mild sedative to help Alex rest. Jeannie, Caleb and Madison had gone to a hotel this time and John was pretty sure that was to give them time alone. Not that they were being very productive with it. Just sort've sprawled together in a heap.

With Rodney worrying about Alex, even though Alex was upstairs in his bedroom. The crying had been pretty harrowing, and the talk talk talk talking, and it had reminded John of Rodney when he was on the edge. Only, Alex was a child and smacking him upside the head wasn't feasible.

Not that it stopped Rodney from sitting on the edge of the sofa, looking fretful.

"Rodney, he's asleep," Carson said, slouched back with his eyes closed. "I told you, he won't be waking up for at least eight hours, more like ten. I know we don't like to use sedatives, but in this instance."

“He was getting a little wound up," John added.

"He'd panic himself out," Rodney scowled, shooting Carson a glance. Yeah, after six or seven hours, and Jeannie had already attested that he'd been inconsolable for the last 24. "We need to eat, shower and sleep and I have no idea in what order or how to even start."

"Can we all fit in the shower at the same time?" Carson said, unfazed by Rodney's behavior.

John blinked a couple of times. "What?"

"The question is, can we all fit in the shower at the same time, while I try to eat a hot pocket." Rodney shifted, hands planted on his knees while he stood up wobbly. "Jesus. I can't guess how you two feel."

"Much like I did after the Asgard had me," Carson said. "Okay, go to the shower, I'll find something in the kitchen and then meet you there. I did say to John that we were going to show him what we meant."

"Right. Right." Rodney moved, started up the stairs and John watched, moving to sort of try to get up himself, help Carson up. Rodney was probably going to loom in Alex's room for a few minutes before he got anywhere, anyway.

John managed to get up and headed to the bathroom. He was bruised in what felt like everywhere. Rodney had muttered something about the concussion wave and him being lucky that his internal organs hadn't spontaneously exploded. Whatever the reason, a bit of heat to get the stiffness out was more appealing than food.

He was the first in the shower, after all.

Rodney wandered in like a human zombie not a minute later, pulling his clothes off and leaving them in a pile on top of the toilet seat, and it all sort of came rushing into John's head, his and Rodney's last encounter, because things had been pretty low key between the three of them sex wise. More comfort and just interaction than...

Naked skin against naked skin and dammit, even with the tiredness he couldn't not react to that. It had been a long time since sex for him and he wasn't sure that was where they were going with this for all Carson's words before they set off for battle.

He couldn't not react to Rodney stepping into the shower, reaching for soap. "We need a shower head with a, just a huge spray."

"We'll sort that out," John drawled, looking over Rodney in detail, reaching to touch some of the minor cuts Rodney had received on Atlantis. They had touched in bed but this seemed different somehow.

Less furtive. "Huh." Rodney agreed or something to what he was saying, reaching out a hand to slide it down John's back, while John let his eyes wander a little. He could see the almost t-shaped mark in the middle of Rodney's chest, but there was hair over that scar, and Rodney was looking at his feeding scar, so hell.

It wasn't like it was the only one he had. He had a new collection of marks from five years of playing too close to the mark. "Touch it if you want to," he murmured.

He half expected Rodney to reach out and palm it, but he touched with fingertips instead and leaned into John. "The water heater is a 50 gallon tank, so we can stand here and enjoy this for a while."

"Mmm. You know, it was good hearing you on the comm out there," John murmured, dipping his head a little towards Rodney.

It was close enough for a kiss, and he wasn't all that surprised when Rodney took that opportunity, leaned into John and kissed him. His mouth was familiar, warm, the kiss a little desperate and water wet. At least shampoo and soap hadn't gotten involved.

Every time he kissed Rodney, it turned into something more, something more intense. He shivered despite the hot water, delving into Rodney's mouth with a desperation of his own.

"Rodney..." he murmured.

"Yeah?" Rodney let his hands wander, thumb sliding over his left nipple.

"Is this…" It seemed stupid to ask if he was dreaming but it felt like it. Only never in a million years would he have imagined Rodney with stretch marks. His hand trailed over Rodney's stomach.

"Alex's fault." Rodney's voice was a good natured sounding grouse, and he lifted an eyebrow at John. Little scar-like marks of no coloration to either side of Rodney's stomach, all arrowed vaguely towards his belly button. He had to have been a sight to see, pregnant with Alex, and John felt a twinge of sadness that he'd missed that. He'd missed that, but he could have everything else now. "Is Carson coming up?"

"How long does it take to make a sandwich?" John replied nuzzling in at Rodney's neck with the realization he could _do_ that.

He could do that and Rodney was more than okay with it. He was fantastic about it. It was all just starting to sink in. "Depends on how perfect the sandwich is."

"It's a bloody marvelous sandwich," a voice came in from the outer room. "And I'm not bringing it in there to get soggy."

"Oh, cruel!" Rodney pulled back from John, and looked up at the water, getting a faceful for a moment.

"I know, I'm a complete bastard," Carson said and then he appeared in the bathroom, slipping into the shower with them, making it a tight squeeze.

"Hello, sweetheart," Carson murmured, with a hint of a wicked grin.

"You left the food outside?" Rodney twisted, finally reaching for the soap. "I was just bragging to John about the water heater."

"Your sandwich is safe and sound," Carson answered and then John could see him press up behind Rodney. "And I think we have a better sandwich right here."

Carson had deeper blue eyes than Rodney and they were looking right at him.

"If I make a meaty filling joke, can I get away with blaming exhaustion?" Rodney offered John the soap first, shifting just a little closer to him.

"Mmm. Just about." John smiled as the soap gave him the perfect excuse to touch Rodney all over.

Carson smirked and joined in.

He'd never done a three-way like that. Not under running water, not more than caring Athosians trying to make him feel more welcome, and if he was honest, Halling was more into communal hugging than anything else. This was caressing, and Rodney pushing him back against the wall and Carson crowding in behind Rodney, and then one of Rodney's hands sliding down to grasp onto his dick.

He wanted it, he wanted the touch and despite his fatigue he reacted hard. Literally hard. "God,Rodney..."

"You'll give him ideas, John," Carson said and was massaging Rodney's hair.

"I already have ideas. It's taking them away from me that's the hard part." Rodney seemed torn between relaxing back against Carson and stroking John, but somehow John's dick ended up abandoned for _soap_ , so he could be considered 'washed'.

It was good to feel this sort of clean, with all the tactile sensation involved that he had missed. And the strange thing was there was no strange thing. He wasn't freaking out any more about Carson being there - he was pretty sure that was more Carson's doing than his own. Carson was associated with something comforting and intimate in his mind from all those nights when his nightmares had drawn the doctor to comfort him.

There wasn't anything to freak out about. There was just Rodney dumping shampoo on his head and rubbing it in through his hair. "We should get a really big tub installed."

That felt great, felt like bliss. He liked people touching his hair in an intimate situation, it was almost inevitable somehow. He lost time to it and the glittering water, steaming and bright with sensations. Carson's soft brogue murmuring endearments to them both, praising him.

He wasn't sure what he wanted more – hard, fast, desperate, eager sex, or to wallow in that relaxing comfort. Maybe he could do both.

Somewhere in the process they got cleaned off, washed suds free, then the spilled over into the bathroom and mutual toweling. In a bizarre way they seemed to not want to lose contact with each other even for a moment. His bruises were sensitive more than anything, his fingers exploring even as they somehow tumbled towards the bed.

"We should do sex in the shower sometime," Rodney offered as he stretched out on his back. There were a few sickening cracks while he straightened out his spine, before he turned his head to look over to Carson. "Hey, wasn't there food somewhere?"

"On the side there," Carson indicated as he patted John and drew him to lie on the bed. "I've had one. Enough for you and John. I think our John is a wee bit touch starved. He might start purring."

John snorted, and lay down beside Carson while Rodney rolled off of the bed to grab the plate. "If you keep moving your hands like that, I might have to."

Carson definitely had skillful hands, able to know where it would hurt, where it would feel good, even as Rodney was eating a sandwich.

"Well, let’s see about that. You know Rodney has some rather wonderful sexual advantages."

"Hell of a way to phrase it," Rodney murmured around his mouthful. He handed John the other part of the maybe over the top sandwich.

"And what are those?" John asked languidly even as he took a bite. It was good.

Nice, crispy, soft bread, and it was just good to catalogue those feelings while he chewed. They'd saved the world today. He could relish any sensation he wanted, from the sandwich in his mouth to Carson's hand idling over his inner thigh.

"I always thought that multiple orgasms were an advantage for _me_ ," Rodney mumbled around the last quarter of his own sandwich.

"They tend to mean he is much less likely to want to roll over and go to sleep after one orgasm," Carson answered.

John knew he probably looked a bit startled by that revelation, glancing over at Rodney for confirmation. "On a good day," Rodney agreed. "When I've slept in the two days in a non passing-out manner." That was sort of surprising, and John wasn't really sure why.

"It'll be something to look forward to," Carson said. "Now then, do we have any preferences before we get into this? I know it stifles some of the spontaneity but I think it helps. Me, Rodney says I'm a pleaser. Sometimes that means bottom, sometimes top depending, so I've not got any qualms. John?"

Communication about sex? John felt a little wild around the eyes at that. "I...uh..." He was trying to think what he did want. "Anything, really?"

"You're creeping him out," Rodney grinned, finishing off the last of his sandwich. "It just, uh, it's something we started doing to keep me from reacting to anything, but I'm all for tackling you if that's what you want."

It was definitely an interesting thought, but Rodney had said something about sleep and he'd rather save that until everyone was up to the experience. "When you've got your strength up," John answered, deliberately drawling. "I'm not creeped out by sex anyway. "

"No, but talking about it might just do it," Carson teased. "John, we don't even know how experienced you are. You didn't come to me in the Infirmary on Atlantis."

It was a point. They didn't know. "I'm experienced uh... there was this whole sort've fuck buddy arrangement with Ronon for a while."

"Huh." Rodney put his eyebrows up a little, even as he shifted back closer to John, reaching out to at least touch him again. "That's good to know."

"Until he settled down and had a kid," John added. "Obviously then..."

Obviously then he'd been too damn exhausted to really do much. He found he didn't remember large sections of those years after finding Ford and being with the Sweetheart, fighting, fighting fighting all the time.

"Top or bottom?" Carson asked practically and John blinked.

"I did both. Me, being his Taskmaster, bottoming for him was apparently a big deal. I liked that," John answered, relaxing as Rodney started to touch him seriously.

"You could do both at once." It was a bland sort of suggestion from Rodney while he stretched out on his side, fingers sliding over John's stomach lazily.

That was enough to get a twitch from his cock. "Really?" he asked.

"Mm, like I said, certain sexual advantages," Carson murmured. “You could have Rodney, and I could have you. Or you could have me and Rodney could have you. Or I could have Rodney and... well, you get the idea."

"I do better on sleep," Rodney reminded as he traced a thumb along one of John's visible abdominal muscles.

"I'll take option number one then," John said with a smile. This was surreal, very surreal but it felt good.

"I think I might be getting the best out of this," Carson said with a smirk. "Mmm. Of course we should start Rodney off considering. It's only polite."

"We could start John off, too. Finding the lube's a good idea no matter what, so..." So Rodney moved again, fingers sliding off of John because he was standing up to rummage through the drawer beside the bed. It was an interesting view -- tight ass, just, just nice, his dick hanging down. No balls, the suggestion something behind it, and it was enough that Rodney had gotten un-caught in communal post-mission gone to hell showers for years.

"There are three of us, I'm sure we can manage a little oral stimulation for you and maybe something for his ass," Carson said contentedly.

That sounded very good, and John turned on his side, anticipating moving in some way.

The side was a good position, John figured, because Carson sidled up behind him comfortably, pressing bodily against him. John could feel Carson's hard dick against his ass, just pressed against one cheek, just there, while Carson reached around him and tweaked a nipple. It would have been a lot better feeling if he hadn't been bruised near to that, hell, bruised everywhere. Even the bruises felt good, in their own way.

He was alive, and Rodney was kneeling on the bed with a tube of lube in hand.

"Just what the doctor ordered," Carson said cheerfully. "Now then, enough chatter and more action don't you think?"

He started teasing him with a little more than idle intent, even as John looked at Rodney.

"We move a little slowly most times." Yeah, he could imagine that. Slow, languid sex -- he'd walked in on the two of them ramping up to it, that one time. Rodney shifted to lie down in front of John, passing the lube over John to Carson, and shifted to kiss John again.

He almost didn't notice the first touches of slick lube as he fell into kissing Rodney and the whole disorientation of feeling that seemed to come over him when he did that. The more they kissed, the more he wanted to kiss, to taste Rodney's skin and body. He started tasting him on the neck, his eyes closed and finding his way over Rodney's body by taste and feel.

Rodney exhaled hard, just once, fingers sliding over and up John's sides. He was comfortable against John, shifting to slide one leg over John's legs while John moved.

As much as he could move, up and down the bed, with Carson behind him, teasing him with fingers and hands, stroking lube over his dick. John didn't expect the whisper of, "I'm not distracting you, am I?" in his ear, from Carson.

"No," he murmured half against Rodney's skin. "No...I'm good."

"Better than good if the expression on Rodney's face is anything to go by," Carson said. "I'm going to be putting my fingers in you shortly just so you know and Rodney...well, I think he'd like to be eaten out. He has that look."

John glanced up and there was a sort of 'wanting' look to Rodney so he moved to do that, hesitating just a moment.

"Best to think of it as a combination penis and clitoris," Carson murmured to him. "Do you know, I once made him actually scream just from spending an inordinately long time licking it."

"Because you're a sadist." It made for some awkward shifting on the bed, but John figured that was why they had a king-sized bed. It was maybe a king plus, but John wasn't sure if they existed. Whatever it was, it was big enough that Carson effortlessly followed him when he moved, and Rodney flopped onto his back, legs akimbo. "If this bothers you, John, just..." Say so, he guessed.

"I just don't want to do anything that might hurt." Considering the only other time they had had sex it had pretty much been rape. Okay rape on both sides, he could acknowledge that now. Still it wasn't like he hadn't done this with a woman before, or sucked cock with a man. He could handle it.

He gave an experimental lick or two and Rodney tasted clean and wonderful.

Slick, too, which John knew meant that hey, Rodney was kind of ready and raring to go. He heard Rodney exhale again, quiet, and felt Rodney's hands shift to touch his neck and shoulders. Just when Carson started to trace a finger against the center of his anus. There was something to be said for bedding a doctor, because Carson knew exactly how to slip a finger in there and teased. Teased even as he teased Rodney with a lick and a tentative suck.

The flex of fingers on his shoulders assured him that he was doing it right, and there was a quiet groan of "Oh, hell, yes." It was a little distracting, no, scattering was maybe the better word, to feel Carson sliding that finger in and out.

The man was expert, knowing exactly how much to move, where to move, when to add another finger and stretch. It spurred him on somehow with Rodney and eased him over that initial strangeness until all he was thinking about was the taste and feeling. He braced his arm against the mattress, and with his other hand, started to stroke Rodney's dick. It was easier, when Rodney stretched one leg sideways, to get in closer, sliding his tongue up into Rodney. "Oh, hell, you're, just like that, yeah...."

"God, that looks fantastic," Carson murmured sounding rough, the fingers still moving, pushing. "That feels good doesn't it?"

His cock was hard, pushing against the cheek of his ass.

Pushing and serving as a promise that it was going to feel just as good as Carson's fingers sliding in and out, in and out, slow and steady. "Feels great," Rodney sighed, shifting his hips up just a little, like he was asking for more. "Hmnnh."

"Fuck..." John managed arching a little and groaning as everything ached.

"A good idea. I think we're ready to move on," Carson said. He gently encouraged him to lie out.

On his side again, and Rodney seemed to be following the motion, even as he moved to lie on his side facing John. "Oh, this should be good. This, I'm already on edge."

"Ready, John?" Carson murmured, nudging at him.

"Very," John replied and he moved to slide into Rodney. It was easy, and Rodney was moving just right to help him, sliding a leg over John's legs again. He kissed John when his cock started to slide in. Hot warmth around him. Intense burn pushing into him. Stretching him and it felt good. Felt fantastic to move like that.

Rodney shifted, pushed his hips until he had John all the way in, his dick trapped between them. Vagina and ass were just different _sensations_ , and the motion Rodney wanted seemed more around and grinding than the in and out and in and out that John was expecting and wanting. Carson kissed at his neck as he worked his way in.

"That's it...that's it," Carson crooned. "Mmm, that feels good. You feel tight, John. Just. Move like that."

He moved that way, moved with Rodney, the way he wanted to go, finding a rhythm that made him gasp.

It was hard to get a rhythm at first, but Rodney started to move counterpoint to him, just a little after Carson thrust, so with every thrust Carson made, he thrust into Rodney and Rodney pushed back against him.

It felt so good, so fucking good. All heat and strength, burn and brightness. It stretched and pushed and went on endlessly. It hurt on his skin but that made the feel of pleasure sweeter.

Slow and languid, and John just wanted it to last forever. He felt Rodney spasm around him, once, twice, again, and Rodney's pace slowed, but he kept pushing back to John.

Multiple…yeah, multiple if he could hold on and he wanted to. Carson rather surprisingly seemed to have a lot of stamina and a lot of control. The pace dropped but kept moving in a flowing movement just the same. He was safe and comfortable here.

He was rocked, held, kissed and touched despite the intensity of the actual sex, Rodney's hands sliding restlessly over his back, against Carson's front, and one occasionally sliding between them. "John, you, oh, fuck this is good, so damn good..."

His own hands had been around Rodney's back and he then slid his other to tangle with Rodney's own between them, following his lead, smoothing and rubbing. Eventually though, it was Carson who groaned. "I'm sorry, I canna...I've got to move."

As if he was scared to let go. He wasn't fragile. "Go, go, I'm not breakable,” he managed.

He just felt close to it, close to coming in Rodney, and Rodney didn't seem to have a problem with it. He was pushing against John harder, fingers tangling over John's.

Carson was really going for it now and he was moving as well and it struck him in the heat and movement that he could have this all the time. This was what his life was going to be and if it meant giving up being in the Air Force, he'd find another way to fly. All that mattered was this, his family.

And after an endless moment, he came hard and with a release of tension he had not realized that he had.

It felt good, and it kept feeling good, with Rodney sagged against him and Carson still hugging onto him from behind, someone's lazy hand petting against his shoulder. "Mnhm."

"Oh bloody hell," Carson exhaled. “I need to be fitter."

John just lay there panting , his muscles all loose.

"Next time we get a chance to do this, I want both of you at once," Rodney sighed, shifting restlessly off of John. "Oh, jesus that felt good."

"We'll take it in turns," Carson said. "How're you feeling, John?"

"Great," he answered truthfully, not wanting to lose contact with Rodney. "Not sure how real things are but if they’re not I don't want to know."

"No, this is real. And I need to get up and clean up, which means it's real. Fantasy means it magically takes care of itself." Rodney started to move, finally.

"True," Carson replied. "When I can move, I'll follow suit."

John wasn't even sure he could move ever again. He was pretty content to just lay there in the middle of the bed and think about sleepy. He'd managed to kick ass, and make it out alive, keep a promise and get a family. As far as a day’s work went, that was pretty much everything he could expect.

* * *

He didn't agree with how the SGC was doing things.

It was the American Way, he supposed, and for Rodney that usually entailed a certain degree of unbelievable jackassery. There'd been a few press conferences, explaining what had happened to the world. There'd been memos, there'd been reports, and there had been the damn media swarming Colorado Springs with more fury than when one of the fundamentalist mega churches had been shot up. So of course General O’Neill’s answer to that was to do what all American politicians seemed to do.

Booked them on a talk show, when the last thing Rodney wanted was to give the tabloids and 24/7 news networks of insanity more fodder. He just wanted them to go away so he could get back to the important work of charging ZPMs. Building his own -- hell, growing the correct types of crystals to make it possible.

He was meant to be doing that based on some admittedly brilliant developments of John's basic idea. Well, not so basic idea. John did seem to have a way of looking at things that seemed simplistic but intuitively worked. And he wanted to see if they were regrowing the Sweetheart correctly because Area 51 really, really wouldn't know 'urgent' if it slapped them around the face.

Still, John did look good, and Carson and even Alex was dressed up.

Suits and ties all around, with O'Neill standing there, looking at Rodney with raised eyebrows. "This, this is _all_ your idea. Just what the hell were you thinking when you decided 'Hey, let's skip the stalking and just put it all out there?' "

"I was thinking on... skipping the stalking and getting it all out there," O’Neill said even as Daniel fiddled with his tie. "Too many rumors going around and people doing stupid things and the NID stirring things up. This way, we get to expose everything before they start trying to shut us down again. They've already started."

"Aye, I saw a few things in the papers," Carson added. "Alex, lovey, come over here, we're on in a bit. Are you sure you don't want to sit in the audience with Auntie Jeannie?"

"What are we exposing that hasn't already been exposed?" Rodney snapped. "There's been press conferences. People know about aliens now."

"Look, everyone loves a hero," Jack answered. "And believe it or not, because we very publicly saved the world, we are the designated heroes this time out. It pisses me off, but that's the way it goes."

John glanced over at Rodney and smirked. "I think he's saying no one could be more surprised than he is that we're the ones in that role."

"I'm coming with you!" Alex declared. "I know more about talk shows than any of you."

"Sad to say he's probably right," Carson added. "He's certainly less nervous than I am."

Part of Rodney didn't want to exploit Alex, and the other part of him said that small cute, excitable son was a good distraction from them all. "You've been the Hero before. Hey, you were down there running Atlantus. Why didn't you drag Radek out here?" Radek was probably in hiding, that smart bastard.

"Dr. Zelenka is on the international tour with Sam, Mitchell, Dr. Weir and Vala when they can keep her out of jail," O’Neill said. "Along with some other multinationals from Atlantis and the SGC. Everyone's got to pucker up for the cameras."

"They give us any idea what they are going to ask?" John said, glancing towards the door. Any time now, they were all going to be smiling and making nice."

Rodney didn't want to make nice. "So we're here for the North American tour. Of daytime talk shows."

"Right, and, oh, Jack, your tie's crooked." Daniel couldn't have been any more accidentally gay, and Rodney wanted to hide in a corner when the makeup people swooped in on them again.

"Okay, everyone, on stage in five minutes!"

There was powdering and people muttering about hair and Alex announcing he could see right up one of the make-up artist’s nose and then having a fit of the giggles and setting Carson off as well.

As they were being ushered down, John was walking next to him and leaned over. "Hey, Rodney, just pretend it's an away mission."

"Into hell." Rodney tried to not fold his arms over his chest, tried to stay with their little cluster of a group. "Why aren't we armed?"

"We are. We brought Alex," John answered with a smirk. "Just look intelligent and we'll tell them how lucky we are to have you to save their butts repeatedly."

They paused at the edge of the stage, half hearing their hosts do their introductions to a completely ridiculous amount of applause. People were idiots, and they still hadn't grasped the fact that there were _space aliens_ out there bent on their destruction, and subjugation. "Okay." Inhale, exhale, and there was their cue.

Alex practically led them on stage tugging at Carson, and the doctor gave them such a terrified look over his shoulder that he had to go on behind them for moral support. John of course looked like he was a model on a catwalk, and O’Neill and Daniel didn't seem too bothered. It took them a little while to get through the applause and the normal pleasantries as they all settled down. Alex had opted for Carson's lap rather than his own chair, which probably meant he was nervous after all. Everyone ended up with Carson when they needed emotional steadying and comfort. He'd even noticed that with John, even if he was sure John hadn't noticed it himself.

Carson was good for that, though. He sat to one side of Carson and John to the other, and O'Neill and Jackson closer to the host, which was good for Rodney. They were closer to the exit than those two.

He couldn't really see the audience because of the lights and he was ignoring the blahblahblah which was presumably the hosts going over again how they had saved the world like everyone didn't know already and like it was the only time it had happened. He drifted off a little up to the point John rather pointedly cleared his throat. Apparently questions were beginning.

"We know a lot about things you have done, but people don't know that much about you on a personal level," the overly stylish male chat host said. "So, we've collected some questions from our studio audience of things they would be interested in knowing, as I'm sure that you've had the same questions over and over again for the media. So who wants to go first?"

They all looked at each other reluctantly but were forestalled by Alex sticking up his hand and smiling brightly. Rodney swore he could hear ovaries exploding all over the country even as the audience applauded and melted into a heap. Alex was definitely a genius.

He leaned an elbow on the arm of his chair, and looked over to Alex and Carson, and caught sight of John looking at them, too, eyebrows up a little. That was their little show stealer, right there.

"Alex, is it? Okay then, Alex... why don't you tell me about your family?" Jeff, the host asked with a pleasant smile.

For most people an ordinary question but for them, liable to get right to the heart of problems.

"I have three daddies, and they’re all really, really smart and I have an Aunt Jeannie and a cousin Madison, and Daddy wants to have another me, only a girl, which is good because I don't want a brother, and I can teach them all the math I know, and I know a lot, and HI AUNT JEANNIE! HI!" He squirmed, tried to stand up right there on Carson's lap to wave to Jeannie. Rodney could see her laughing and covering her face, and Rodney slouched down into his chair.

"Whoa, lad," Carson said getting him to sit down. "He's a wee bit excited," he said to the host.

"I can tell." Jeff leaned closer to Alex. "Three daddies hmm? Most people only have one?"

"Daddy's actually my mom, too, and Carson has always been here, always, and then John came home, and he's my other daddy. I have a _great_ family." He settled down, and Rodney tried to not note that Carson's arms were locked tight around Alex's waist to hold him still. "I have Aunt Jeannie and Uncle Kaleb and Cousin Maddie, too, and we were all in a safe place when Carson and John and Dad were all killing the, the Ori."

"I bet you're proud of them for doing that," Jeff said. "For saving everyone."

Rodney was sure that they were going to pick up on the Daddy is actually my mom thing and he could see John slightly stiffen about it. Hell, Rodney had more reason to freak out over Alex saying that, but he wasn't _going_ to. Not on TV.

Not when he'd oh so carefully tried to teach Alex to not lie, and look where it got him. "Uh-huh, but I think they're great if they're saving people or not. It's their jobs."

"Right. So your daddy is your mommy, too? How does that work out?" the host said and ironically it was O'Neill who stepped in to deflect that one.

"I'm pretty sure the mechanics of it aren't that interesting. Let’s just say when you work for the SGC you have to be prepared for anything," he said, shrugging a little. "Being a guy and having a baby is pretty normal compared to say... turning into a bug or having a snake crawl inside your head."

"Which happens. The snake is another species, one of the first that the SGC came into contact with," Rodney spoke up, glancing over to O'Neill because Rodney didn't want the truth out there. It was a little less strange than the stuff the SGC ran into, but he didn't need people declaring him a role model or a spokesperson for the transgendered, intersexed community. Or an activist. He wanted to be left _alone_

"And the turning into a bug thing?" the host asked, his eyebrows raised up.

John raised a hand with a half-smile. "Yeah, that was me," he said, as if admitting to an embarrassing personal problem. From the reaction of the audience they had been deflected. "Turned blue and chitonous for a while there."

"I think Teal'c nearly managed it once as well," Daniel put in helpfully.

"Teal'c," O'Neill offered, "is a longtime friend of both Stargate Command and the United States. He's also an alien, and he's worked with us for, oh, what’s it been, Daniel? A good eleven years now? Great guy. Looks mostly just like you and me."

"Aside from the stomach pouch thing," Daniel said, gesturing at his own stomach. "He's a Jaffa, they are a warrior people with a fascinating culture and..."

"Daniel." Jack cut him off. "We'd be here all night on that if he got started. I'd wait for the movie, though, if I were you. You want to do your next question?"

"Okay, uh. John Sheppard, it's been noted that your military record isn't perfect, but after you transferred into the then not public SGC, you apparently improved in performance. What was it that the SGC offered that the Air Force by itself didn't?"

John appeared to consider it a moment. "I reckon the SGC values some traits that in the mainstream military are possibly not looked on very favorably. The ability to challenge orders or go that extra bit further for your team or people in it... that's what is needed out there where things get pretty strange sometimes. Here, following orders to the letter is necessary. Out there, not using initiative can get you killed."

"Okay. Here's a lighter question for you, Colonel Sheppard. One of our audience members wants to know how you do your hair."

There was general laughter at that, and if John was embarrassed he didn't show it. "Well you know, I use this highly technical Ancient device... Okay, no, seriously it just does it on its own. I can't even get it to stay flat with industrial strength polymers. I had a buzz cut once when I was young and pretty keen and I looked patchy. Like a dog had chewed on my head. So, sorry, no hair tips here."

More laughter, and that was good, Rodney supposed. He could spend the rest of the hour sitting and giving vaguely angry looks at people. Daniel smiled tight at him, which was better than Daniel looking dazedly at O'Neill.

"Okay, here's one for all of you. Which person here do you each think has made the most difference and why?" Jeff the host asked.

"Most difference where? This program's been around for... over a decade," Rodney interrupted. "It's a patently false question. If anyone in the program had made a huge mistake along the way, we'd all be dead right now."

"That seems a bit of an extreme statement, Dr. McKay," the host said and looked about to launch in on him when Carson cut in.

"I think what Rodney is getting at is that it's a little difficult to separate out incidences. SG-1," he gestured to O'Neill and Daniel, "Have been saving the world long before we came on the scene. It's difficult to get across the sheer scale of the advancements that have been made. Rodney is going to need a whole new section of Nobel prizes, just for him. Radek... Dr. Zelenka, probably needs something similar. All of the scientists working at the SGC have been quietly making developments that will completely change the world. That's the truth of it. I have literally lost count of the times that Rodney has saved a planet, or John. There are safes full of medals out there waiting on declassification, which thank goodness is hurrying along now. The sheer scale of extraordinary things and extraordinary people is difficult to comprehend let alone narrow down."

"Carson's treated diseases that no-one knew existed, and repaired people with genetic defects in ways that will change the face of medicine through retroviruses. O'Neill and Sheppard have led military missions that liberated planets that you don't know exist, and saved whole species and groups of people, _nevermind_ all of the times we’ve prevented calamity on this planet. Jackson’s made negotiations with aliens that you can’t even comprehend the existence of, and put himself past death to do it. Everyone in the program has made a _huge_ difference, every day. Some of our best people never made it back," Rodney cut back in, glancing over to John. And some of them did.

"My Dad's still made the biggest difference though," Alex announced in the slight hush that followed their pronouncements. "Because he's a genius and he's my dad."

That proclamation was enough to get them laughing again and it was just good to know Alex's faith in him was so absolute. Alex's faith in all of them. Rodney shook his head a little, and looked back to the host, who was saying that they'd be back after a commercial break.

O’Neill leaned over to Alex and said. "You know kid, you really are a genius."

Alex nodded. "Yes," he said proudly and Carson grinned a little at him over Alex's head.

"Hey, we're getting off pretty lightly at the moment," John said leaning in.

"I never want to do this again," Rodney sighed, slouching again. "This isn't going to just go away, is it?"

"Nope," O’Neill, said. "The good news is if it gets really bad we can take vacation on another planet."

"They're going to bring up the gay thing at some point," Daniel said. "It's challenging something familiar."

"Great," John said shortly.

"Like space aliens who claim to be god isn't a bigger deal," Rodney shrugged. Jesus, people were small-minded. "There goes DADT."

"Kinda hard to hide the fact," Carson said. "Bloody ridiculous rule anyway."

"And we're back in three ... two ...one...on air," a technician called out and there was well choreographed applause.

"Welcome back to our extra special show with the heroes of the SGC! I'd like to continue on with some more questions. Dr. McKay..." The man looked down at his pile of question cards. "Someone in the audience wants to know... When you are going to admit that sisters are obviously more intelligent and better looking than their siblings?"

"When she actually steps past theory and tries soldering something while being shot at," Rodney smirked.

That brought laughter as well which was a bit of a rush. Laughing with him not at him.

"Did that happen often?" he was asked.

"Mm." John nodded. "Pretty much all the time.

There was a nod from Carson. "It's an active battlefield out there. Even the best of missions, where we say hello to old allies, could go wrong."

"We got the hang of it," John said and grinned. "You know, I used to just order Rodney to come up with a solution. He'd say it was impossible so I'd order it a bit louder. It seemed to work most of the time."

"Very solid command strategy," Jack added.

"SG-1 worked pretty much the same," Daniel shrugged. "Sometimes there weren't answers, and we couldn't impose ourselves on other cultures, but we did what we could."

"Sounds like dealing with the military could be a bit of a handful, Dr. McKay?" their host asked, looking between the scientists and then Jack and John.

"It's the military. They have their mindset and the civilians have theirs. It's good to have both viewpoints, and Sam Carter was both a scientist and military, albeit some of her theories have been improved on since they debuted."

"Speaking of military mindsets..." Jeff said smoothly. "I'd say, well, about 50% of these questions have something to say about the whole being gay and saving the world issue. Particularly in view of the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy... Colonel Sheppard?"

How John managed to look like the question didn't even ruffle his feathers Rodney didn't know. "I never contravened a military policy when I was commander of Atlantis," he said.

"I'm pretty sure you stole a puddlejumper once or twice, Sheppard," Jack put in.

"Aside from that policy. There was a whole saving life thing going on."

"So you're saying that you're not gay?" the host pushed, obviously trying to catch him out.

"I'm not homosexual, I'm… whatever," John said.

"Pansexual I'd say, on reading some of your mission reports," Jack put in, causing even more laughter.

"There's a species called the Ancients whose form looks most like a glowing squid when they've reached their ultimate evolutionary point. And." Rodney cleared his throat. "Well."

"Hey, she looked human enough before!" John protested over the rising clamor of hilarity.

"Rodney used to call him Kirk," Carson added.

"I've got better hair," John replied.

"Yeah, but you had the chief's daughter or the high priestess of every planet falling all over you," Rodney scoffed.

"Yeah, that usually doesn't end well," Daniel pointed out. "Fascinating fact, you'd be amazed at how many ceremonies and rituals you have to do as part of a first contact team. Sometimes it was a battle, or a trust ceremony, or just having a meal. Occasionally it required sleeping with people. I think we got painted purple on at least two occasions that I can recall."

Carson shot a look at John and Rodney and tried not to snicker too much. Obviously he was remembering some of the ludicrous things that they had been through.

"Harvest festivals," Rodney offered. "And rituals to prove we weren't evil. And rituals to prove we weren't there to steal their technology."

"Yeah, that one sometimes back fired," Jack answered. "Problem was, you never really knew what was going to happen. Hard to say no to the innocuous strange drink when someone has a weapon on you and your team. Unlike some people who practically invited them, _Daniel_."

Daniel smiled a little. "I kept telling you, hesitation sends the wrong message."

"Let’s just say alien mushrooms have their moments sometimes. And if you couldn't deal with...well, waking up in compromising situations, then you'd never survive," Jack said.

Wait, wait... had O’Neill just outed himself?

Rodney sensed Caron's stillness, and _looked_ at O'Neill again, waiting for him to go on. "What? I'm just putting that out there."

"So, you're saying that all of you have slept with men?" the host said, looking boggled.

"Over 60% of personnel on gate teams have experienced a same sex encounter on a mission," O’Neill said, answering the question evasively. Wow, that was pretty impressive. Even he hadn't thought it was that high. He caught sight of Carson nodding slightly in agreement. Of course the Infirmary would know.

"So the rumors that Colonel Sheppard is being discharged from the military?" the host pressed.

"On what grounds?" Jack shrugged. “He saved the world, he saved the entire Pegasus galaxy. I can't exactly fire him for incompetence."

Thank god. Congress and the rest of the military might have words, but they might have to reform things due to the SGC. Rodney had hope. "Okay, uh, does this mean there's going to be an official change in military policy, then?"

Jack shrugged a little. "That's gonna depend on people higher up," he said. "I made the recommendation a long time ago. Guess it's down to politicians and public opinion."

That was when it clicked. That was why O’Neill was pushing the public, appealing to the masses side of disclosure. He'd just made it pretty much impossible for them to _not_ repeal DADT because everyone knew now which side of the fence he was on, and they couldn't just give John the push even with an honorable discharge because the public would suspect a conspiracy against one of those heroes.

It caught Rodney's attention. "Okay, you heard the man, then. Uh, I think we're almost out of time. General O'Neill, is there anything else you want to say to our viewing audience?"

"We've been out there a while now, and the humans from Earth have made a bit of a splash," O’Neill said. "We've done things, fought and won battles you'll hear about as details come out. We've got enemies out there, yes, like the Ori, but we made a load of powerful friends too." He glanced at Carson a moment. "Dr. Beckett, who has been overly modest tonight, managed to solve a problem that an advanced race has been working on for longer than we've been out of the ice age. He literally saved a species of very powerful aliens. Sheppard has a whole damn galaxy. Daniel... Daniel communes with godlike aliens on a daily basis, and Dr. McKay will most likely have solved the theory of everything before he finishes dinner tonight. My point is, as a planet and a people the Taur'i -- that's what they call us out there -- we've done pretty good. You should all know that."

"All right, everyone. We have friends and enemies out there in the universe, and these are some of the people who've protected us out there. Please give them a round of applause!" And that was the end of the show, Rodney guessed.

The end of the show, and the start of a hell of a lot more.

Alex immediately bounded over to him, grabbing hold of his hand. "They didn't say _anything_ about Atlantis," he said. "I wanted to hear about the battle again!"

Rodney stood up, grabbing Alex's hand tightly. "Well, it's not out there yet, but it will be. You can hear all about it at home," Rodney promised.

"I want to hear everything!" Alex said. He looked up at Rodney. "Did I say the right things?"

"You were very good at saying the right things, Alex," John told him.

"You said all the right things," Rodney agreed, leaning down to heft Alex up. "And hey, I didn't know you were that excited about the idea of a sibling. Today was just full of surprises."

"I want a sister. Maddie says she's going to get one, and that all the best families have them," Alex said.

"Heh." Rodney started to follow after John and Carson towards the backstage, milling as he carried Alex. "I'm glad that you're competitive."

"Can't imagine where he got that from," John said with a smile. "General? That was a pretty sneaky maneuver you did back there. Media Black Ops huh?"

"Hey, it was only a matter of time, and I'd rather be out than be outed in a magazine rack," O'Neill smiled, reaching out to punch John's shoulder lightly.

"Well, we appreciate it," Rodney told him. "I appreciate it. Not the dragging me out on national TV, but the..."

"I still think I should've just kissed you," Daniel said. "That would've made the point. Uh, kissed Jack I mean. Not you, Dr. McKay."

"The statistics are true though. An even higher percentage than that have a psych profile of bisexual," Jack replied. "Of course, some of us have a psych profile of 'crazy'. That includes you Sheppard."

"I'm flattered." It made Rodney smirk a little as he rounded in closer to John and Carson.

"Crazy isn't an official diagnostic term, General, and you know it."

"Gotta be, seen it on my psych profile and Daniel's a few times," Jack replied. "Mind you, he had a dozen or so personalities in his head at the time. Look, here's the deal. If they start pushing too much media wise, you can move to the base. You're pretty close as it is. If they get in there...well, when Atlantis has repaired herself, they're talking about moving in there again. Only this time the commute wouldn't be so bad."

Back to the city. Rodney exhaled. "There's a problem there," he said, jostling Alex a little. "He kind of has to go with us."

"Yeah, well that might be an option. There's a lot of scientists with families and we might even park Atlantis on Earth near the mountain," Jack shrugged. "Daniel wants to move in. I think it would be unhealthy to move in alone."

"He'd get trapped in a transporter and starve to death," Rodney scoffed. "It might be 'repaired', but it's always had failures that need to be fixed and tweaked, like any city. Which is all the more reason to put a larger group in than one or two people wandering free."

"Bigger quarters," John said lighting up at the thought. "Thought locking rooms..." He glanced at Alex and grinned. "If you get the ZPM recharge thing working we might be able to go see Teyla and Ronon, or invite them back for a visit."

"I'd love to see them again," Carson said with a smile. "I’ve missed them a lot."

"I want to meet Teyla! She's the, the friend with the stick fighting?" Alex made his hands into fists and mimicked one of the positions John had shown him. "She sounds _cool_."

"Cooler than cool. And Ronon is too. When we met him, he captured me, caught your dad in a trap and then made Carson operate on him in a cave," John said with a grin. "Then we took him home and he joined our team."

"And he was great," Rodney agreed. "We had a lot of cool friends out there, and a lot of danger, and now we can go back with at least... less danger." It was hard to not smile when he said that.

"Whee! When can we go?!"

"Not just yet, kiddo," John said. "Hey, there's your Auntie Jeannie and Maddie. Why don't you go see what they thought of you being on TV?"

"Put me down!" Alex started to squirm, and Rodney was more than happy to oblige so Alex could get his feet on the ground and race over towards them.

"They probably thought he was the show spoiler. Cute kid, by the way, Sheppard. Sickeningly cute."

"I think he probably takes after Carson in that, sir," John answered.

"Rating a sir now, am I?" Jack looked at him.

"Well, now it looks like I'm not automatically being kicked out," John answered. "I was going to say I'd turn scientist with Rodney or something if it was going to get nasty. Or work as a human lightswitch."

"That's really lucrative work, I've heard," Jack smirked. "Go on, go home, rest. Next week we do New York."

"I vote we go for the kick ass stories for New York," John replied smiling and putting an arm around Rodney and Carson.

In public. He could see Carson's surprise even as O'Neill headed off with Daniel.

John had changed in his five years away from them. He'd changed even more in the last few weeks where he'd dragged himself back from a breakdown. But here he was publicly acknowledging them both as his.

Rodney smirked, while Alex backed into his legs. "Oof! Can we go home now? Is Aunt Jeannie coming to dinner?"

"I think so," Carson replied. "I think we can manage that."

And Carson there too, solid and god, he loved him as well because he could pick up the pieces to any of them and make it better. He needed him, and he needed John and somehow he'd reached a situation where he could have them both, and a family, and everything else he'd always wanted.

As futures went, that was going to take some beating.


End file.
